The Triumphant Return

So, forty seven years later and the NBA finals have just started. I know I promised basketball blogs during basketball season but something much more important has unearthed itself. So I will quickly give the Lakers my patented kiss of death and proclaim them as winners of the 2010 NBA title. I just think they're too big (that's what she said). Also, in a last ditch effort to reap some of the benefits of my reverse jinxing power I will say there is no possible way Lebron leaves Cleveland and if he does I really can't see him wanting to play for the Detroit Pistons for the rest of his career...while convincing Chris Bosh or Dwyane Wade to follow him there. There's also no way 100 naked female supermodels will walk through my door tonight shooting bags of money at me from their vaginas. No possible way any of that happens...none. So two days ago, I'm minding my own business at work while doing my daily routine of trying to set people on fire with my mind and I get a text message from my brother Justin. I open the text to discover its a picture message. Knowing that Justin isn't the type of mega taint that will forward on every lame ass picture he gets of fat hairy guys eating some Asian chick's creamy shit out of a pint glass, I thought "This has potential...". I was handsomely rewarded as I opened the text to reveal the cover of a fantasy football magazine he found in a store. It made my nipples hard. The minute I was off work I had a copy to call my very own. I would have written this last night but I was in the bathroom most of the evening beating off to the player rankings then selfishly wanted one romantic night of cuddling before I shared it with the world. A few things I noticed...(let's get nutty and do a 10 list...I'll do my best to keep it short) 10. If any running back goes off the board before Christ Johnson the person responsible for that pick should immediately be kicked out of your league. No excuses...and yes, you saw that right. I called Johnson Christ because if Jesus played football it would look a lot like the product CJ give us on Sunday. Also, both Johnson and Jesus do most of their ass kicking on the Holy day of worship. Sunday. I'm 99% sure Johnson is legally allowed to baptize infants and have it be a legit ticket to heaven. He's that good. 9. Treat the Washington Redskin back field like a girl that you know for certain is HIV positive. Fucking around with this nightmare will surely lead you to an early grave and will no doubt be morbidly painful every step of the way. I think Mike Shanahan gets boners from the idea of killing fantasy football owners every week. Man, it was so nice having a vacation from that choad last year. 8. Know this...if you have your choice between Matt Leinart or Derek Anderson, take Anderson. At least Anderson was a Pro Bowl quarterback at one point when he was throwing the ball to a guy whose mouth is bigger than his desire to play the game and another guy who has canoe oars for hands. What's Leinart done with Fitzgerald and Boldin as targets besides show the universe he's more useless than an eye watering, breath taking fart while driving alone? Exactly. Even if he starts the season Leinart will be benched in a hurry and you'll be glad you listened to me when DA tears it up. 7. Take Matthew Stafford higher than you normally would because at the spot you think you're gonna get him, he won't be there. Stafford has testicles the size of basketballs and is throwing to one of the most gifted receivers in the league. Plus, he's not as inaccurate as the masses would have you believe. Considering most D-lineman at the snap of the ball were close enough to braid Stafford's butthole hair last year, he was impressively accurate in my book and I think he'll only get better this year. 6. Ricky Williams is ranked 23rd among running backs after rushing for over 1,100 yards and double digit scores last year. Ronnie Brown? Another season cut short by a lacerated vagina. Let's also not forget that Ronnie Brown is still hobbling around like a drunk teenager at his first college party from last year's labia strain. This is what makes no sense to me...Ronnie Brown ranked 22nd, Ricky ranked 23rd. The birth certificate says Ricky is 33 but he lost 3 years of football when he went bananas & creeped out anyone who came into contact with him. Ronnie's says he's 28 but with his injury history is probably closer to 88. My money is on Ricky...and his 37 personalities. 5. There are two guys I feel horrible for and coincidentally happen to play the same position and are on the exact same team. Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles. Fuck me dude...what more do these guys need to do to get some respect? All Jones did was have career years the past two seasons at an age where most backs wither into 90 year old hags that get off on farting on children's Halloween candy. Meanwhile, Charles rushed for almost 1,000 yards in only 8 games when Larry Johnson decided degrading women was a better long term career goal than starting NFL running back. How do these guys get rewarded? By getting to gladiator battle each other for the spot light on a team that paid a backup quarterback rapper money two years ago. If someone puts their dick to your face and says "You have to draft a Kansas City running back or suck this until I brick in your mouth.", then you have go for Charles. He's got the youth. If that scenario never presents itself I highly suggest avoiding both backs...and don't suck any ones dick either. 4. If you draft any Cleveland Brown not named Joshua Cribbs, make sure it's Jerome Harrison. As a Browns fan I can tell you that this guy is legit and the increase in his carries last year is something all Cleveland fans have been screaming for since...forever. He's not a big guy but he's great at doing the most with what he's given which has usually been scraps. I'm telling you right now. You heard it here first...and no I'm not drunk or high...don't be surprised if he tops 1,000 rushing yards this year. He's rated 26th overall as a running back and most people will pass on him. Draft him and flick the buttholes of your opponents as you prance to the championship game. Flick hard or it's not worth it because if you're really getting that close to another man's butthole you better make it count. 3. I'm blowing the lid off this even though it could come back to haunt me in the same way downing 4 shots of tequila in 15 minutes would. Don't be afraid to take any one of the top 5 tight ends when the top 5 WRs are off the board...especially in leagues where TE isn't a required position to start. Not one of those TEs had fewer than 76 receptions and all had at least 6 TD catches. Last year someone in a league I'm in drafted Clark, Gates and Gonzalez as their WRs and every last person in the league laughed hysterically. The cackles turned to self inflicted ball punches when these 3 TEs would blast through defenses every week putting up sick numbers for even the WR position. I'm highly considering this strategy this year. 2. This has nothing to do with fantasy production but I just have to say something about this. Matt Schaub looks horrible for 29. I would have guessed he's minimum 47...and a high school janitor. Or maybe a floor manager at a soup canning plant...or a corn dog vendor at the county fair...or a vintage Poke'mon card collector. You get the idea. I just don't see fantasy stud quarterback...which is what he is. Side note: Really excited this year for a new edition of "let's get a close up on Phillip Rivers when he's pissed so we can see the angriest non-swear words come out of a grown man who happens to be a fiery competitor's mouth". This has the ability to be epic. 1. The number one thing I noticed about this magazine is that I have a serious problem that needs loads of medical attention. Believe me when I tell you that I am not making this next part up. As I was driving home after purchasing this magazine I noticed halfway through that I had busted out into the Cher song "If I could turn back time", except I had changed the words "turn back" to "fast forward". When I noticed what was happening I actually began cackling out loud like a homicidal maniac and screamed out loud "GOD, I FUCKIN LOVE FANTASY FOOTBALL!!!" When I emerged from my momentary state of lunacy I just stared out the front windshield while whistling the same Cher tune until I pulled into my driveway. Crazy? Maybe. Awesome? Definitely. It's gonna be a great year.