"Well sommbitchy! Here I come, a-snortin and a-fussin!"
AFC North
Pittsburgh - I long for the days when this team sucks the tit of this division. But until we see evidence of that day...fuck off Steelers and you're the pick to win.
Baltimore - Any defense that starts Tom Zbikowski doesn't get my pick to win the division. The fewer Notre Dame pussies on your roster the better. Be happy with the wildcard and losing in the first round of the playoffs again.
Cleveland - Whatever good thing I say here will be labeled as homerism. So I offer this instead. Staring into Colt McCoy's eyes is as beautiful as spraying canned cheese into your open mouth. And the Bengals are still in this division.
Cincinnati - As long as Mike Brown continues to sabotage his own team and Marvin Lewis coaches here you can last place the Bengals in stone every year. Brown is the worst owner in sports. Period.
AFC South
Indianapolis - Because everyone else is picking the Texans.
Houston - Because the Colts still have that robot named Manning.
Tennessee - I'm assuming Chris Johnson plays and Matt Hasselbeck is a 22 year old whipper snapper compared to Kerry Collins and his liver spotted corpse.
Jacksonville - Because they refuse to believe they were wrong about David Garrard...for the last 5 years. It's over. Bury the mistake and never talk about it again.
AFC East
New England - Brady.
New York Jets - I've never known any Mexican quarterbacks in the NFL. Especially any Mexican quarterbacks that have done anything worth mentioning. Unless you count Ron Mexico...and I do.
Buffalo - He went to Harvard, guys. There's gotta be some sort of equation Fitzpatrick can come up with to get them at least 3rd. Plus there's..........
Miami - Brandon Marshall talks to sewer drains like there's people in there listening to him and Chad Henne has half a brain. I didn't even mention that Jason Taylor is back on the team...at 87 years old.
AFC West
Oakland - Because this division is up for grabs and everyone knows that as soon as the Raiders win it Skeletor Davis will finally give up his battle with living in misery.
San Diego - Norv Turner will find a way to fuck this up. He always does.
Kansas City - Cassel is a fraud and every team knows he only throws to his girlfriend, Bowe. Plus that smug fuck Haley refuses to use the best player on his team the way he should be used.
Denver - Tim Tebow almost started. And Brady Quinn is the backup. Teams have given up when a Notre Dame QB is one injury away from throwing 5 picks a game.
NFC North
Green Bay - Who else is gonna win it?
Detroit - Yes. It's time. No playoffs but I'm calling over .500 at 9-7.
Chicago - Cutler is a born loser. And a snot nosed fuck face.
Minnesota - I liked this team more when they were raping strippers on boats.
NFC South
Tampa Bay - Because it's boring to pick Atlanta like everyone else.
Atlanta - They'll probably win it but if Tampa Bay pulls it off I can say I called it.
New Orleans - Because no one cares now that we've forgotten Katrina happened.
Carolina - Newton or Clausen? Lube or dry fuck?
NFC East
New York Giants - Haven't you heard? Eli Manning is an elite quarterback. Hold on...I have to take this call from Commissioner Gordon real quick. I'll be right back...
Philadelphia - Too much chatter in the off season and Vince Young's fat turkey neck will be taking snaps at some point this season.
Dallas - Tony Romo...great fantasy quarterback, lousy real quarterback. And I say week 8 is finally when Dez Bryant gets pinched for mashing hookers in the face with garbage bags full of cocaine.
Washington - Shit gets weird when Rex Grossman tries to suck his own dick in the huddle.
AFC West /flips coin
St. Louis - Because St. Louis was tails.
Arizona - Because St. Louis was tails.
San Francisco - Alex Smith is better than Tarvaris Whitehurst. But barely.
Seattle - Because they are the worst fucking team in football.
There it is. Predictions you can take to the bank. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this: a few weeks ago marked the second full year in a row I've been boring everyone with my mindless chatter. So, happy anniversary and stuff...to me. Here's to another shitty year.
For the first time ever I think I agree with a lot here. But, AFC West. Oakland....Seriously??
ReplyDeleteNFC South is tough, but I can't see Tampa doing it this year, maybe a year or 2 away. It'll be between the Saints and the Falcons and it will come down to the wire.
The Colts success will dpend on what week Peyton Manning decides to come back. Anything after week 2 is gonna be too big of a hole to dig out of.
Al Davis is the worst owner in sports, Brown is second.
Congrats on 2 years, and thank you for giving me something to disagree with on a week to week basis during that time.
You gave the Browns 4 sentences. I demand a refund.
ReplyDeleteThe Giants are going to be terrible since no one on their team has 4 working limbs. I wouldn't be shocked if they battled the Skins for last...in the NFC.
Why not Oakland? They were only 2 games out last year and that division is a lot worse than people want to believe. If Matt Cassel can win that division then so can Jason Campbell. Plus their schedule isn't terrible.
ReplyDeleteI think I was a little generous with Tampa winning the division since their schedule last year was fuckin hilarious...hence 10-6. But I think they have enough talent there to compete...assuming Jaaaash Freeman can continue improving. I think the Saints are done.
Come and get your refund, G$. I keep all refunds tucked safely under my ballsack.
-Iceman
Congratulations on two years!
ReplyDeleteAt your present rate of posting, you should hit your 100th post just in time for the Seahawks Super Bowl win.
Andrew
What is done about the Saints exactly? This ought to be good.
ReplyDelete