My Brain vs. The World

PERFECTION!

2011-12-17T05:58:00.001-05:00

Smells like Don Shula's asshole...

As I find myself getting older, I have noticed I'm becoming increasingly more crotchety. The little things are really starting to fry my fucking nerves. To be honest, I'm starting to feel like this guy. But that's good, I guess. It gives me more to rant about when I get pissed at things I have no control over...like the cat digging through the trash like a fucking hobo. Or the dog rolling around in his own shit like a newborn. Age also brings wisdom, I think. Not wisdom about things that will keep me old, miserable and alive at 120. But wisdom about shit few people care about...like why the Packers should try for a perfect season this year. Why yes....yes I do have a list of reasons. In no particular order.

-For the fame
Bitch, please. Don't nut on my back and tell me it's microwaved yogurt. These guys play just as much for a legacy as they do for the love. Every last fucker out there has an ego the size of Uncle Sam's nipples and wants to be remembered for something great. What better way to mushroom stamp the brain of football lovers than to be a member of an undefeated NFL team. If nothing else it would give us a reason to stop talking about.....

-The '72 Dolphins
No one likes these smug assholes. Not even their own families. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I've heard enough about Mercury Morris and Don Shula renting out Econolodge rooms to buttfuck each other with champagne bottles after the last undefeated goes down every year. Not to mention these guys are old. Their dicks don't work anymore, they all probably wear diapers because their prostates are shot...this is literally the only thing these fucking losers have left to look forward to every year. Taking this away from them would probably kill at least half of them from the disappointment alone. That, in its own, should be enough for McCarthy to pull the trigger on a perfect season.

-Fuck injuries
I can't stand it when shit for brains announcers like Merrrrrl Hoge talk about putting the players in an unnecessary risk with games that "don't matter". Just because Hoge can't do math without concussing himself doesn't mean that anyone on the Packers has a body made out of spongy vaginal tissue like Merrrrrl does. People get hurt every single day doing dumb shit. Christ...a month ago I threw out my back getting off the fucking toilet. Another guy I know tore his ACL playing Silver Strike Bowling. It was awesome. I know another guy who partially tore a neck muscle sneezing. FUCKING SNEEZING! Not to mention that football is a violent sport and people get hurt. Would you sit your important guys in weeks 1-4 because you need them to be healthy at the end of the year? Fuck no you wouldn't. You fucking play them. When you have a team that is crushing every week like Green Bay is, you ride that shit until the wheels come off. You don't risk the dreaded playoff rust by sitting the best players. If the team is good enough, they'll have the beef to plug in off the bench if a few key guys get dinged up along the way.

-Make a statement
This is your chance to show the rest of the league that you aren't a pussy. You give zero fucks about anything and are looking to pulverize everyone no matter what week it is and no matter what you have "locked up". As a team your goal should be to win every game. So go fucking win every game. It's kinda what New England does to people when they're up by 30 in the 4th and keep passing the ball with Tom Brady in the game. People fucking HATE it when Belichick does that. I'll be honest...I hate it too because I'm usually getting my privates mashed in by Tom Brady in fantasy football while this is going on. But guess what. If you think it's shit, or cheap, dirty or whatever...stop them. It's not their fault your team is fucking terrible.

-I promise the players want it
This game is popular because of the players. Period. No one pays $50 a ticket to go watch Andy Reid fumble around in a two minute drill like a virgin touching a pussy for the first time. A coach's decision whether or not to go for the perfect season should be easy...just ask the players. They are, after all, the reason these guys have a job to begin with.

So the question was asked...will I be pissed if the Packers go undefeated? Fuck no. I'm actually pulling for it despite there being a few Packers fans out there that happen to be IMPOSSIBLE to rationalize with. Even though an undefeated season I'm sure will prompt these individuals to make outrageous claims such as "Greatest team ever assembled regardless of any sport"...it would still be worth it to see the '72 Dolphins suck the hairy cock of modern day football. It's about time some NFL team kindly shoved it up their arrogant asses.

Put Your Faith in God...Your Ass Belongs To Tebow.

2011-12-08T06:41:00.001-05:00

"What do you mean I'm taking this "God" thing too seriously?"

Not many people will get that title I stole from a movie but I assure you it's tremendous. Today, we're gonna make this a two parter. Because I can do whatever the fuck I want. First, I'll answer an emailer's question...kind of a mutated, crusted over version of Fun Bag(s) Friday. You know...that thing we did here that failed miserably after about 2 months because only three people would email? Remember how you all promised you would send in a question but never did leaving me jilted at the computer screen? You all will make terrible husbands/wives. I feel better. Then...I tackle a subject that is sure to stiffen the weenus of my brother Colin Cowherd...I mean, Justin. Onward.

The Detroit Lions are relevant and yet the world has not come to an end; please explain.

I've been saying this for awhile. All the Lions needed to do was murder Matt Millen and they would begin their meteoric rise to the top. They actually took the less criminalistic road and chose the "fire him" method but I will still argue today Millen needed to be put to death. A violent death. Millen was so thick on draft day, he single handily nuked that team back to the stone age. I swear to fucking God one year he tried drafting He-Man. With every nutty pick, I often found myself making the same face I would make if a complete stranger walked up to me in a restaurant and stuck his index finger through the middle of my sandwich. Only one man was worse at drafting players and he "died" recently. Let's not kid ourselves here...Al Davis died in '94 but no one had the balls to break it to the public. Does this look alive to you? That was taken this year. Bull fuckin shit he died this year.

Anyway...now that Millen isn't around to infect everything with his dubious funk, the Lions are free to start building for the future with actual good players. So what's happening now really doesn't surprise me. Also, the law of averages states that eventually every pathetic franchise will at some point be relevant again...excluding Cleveland. I don't know what that city did to piss off God but it must have been something catastrophic. I don't know...did someone from Cleveland give Jesus a swirly at some point? Maybe put a bag of hot dog shit on God's porch and bolted? Whatever it was, right now and for the foreseeable future, Cleveland is getting fucked by the thick rod of the Lord. Back to the Lions...If Jim Schwartz could win with curse words the Lions would be 400-0. That, I completely buy. As for the end result this year, I picked the Lions to go 8-8 and I'm sticking to that. Don't be surprised if Detroit turns the corner next year and actually wins a playoff game. So start preparing your soul now.

Part Two - Teboners

Speaking of God, I can't handle the Tim Tebow hate anymore. Why do people want this guy to fail so much? Hating Tebow is treading in dangerous, murky waters. I mean, how sure are we that Tebow is not actually Jesus returning to earth like the Bible promised? Think about it. He has good looks that can make an 80 year old woman's sand paper silver business liquefy as if a reservoir caved in. I'm certain he can crush walnuts with his biceps. He has absolutely terrible mechanics on the football field but yet almost always finds a way to win. It makes sense, right? Why can't God be a football fan?

But seriously. I don't know what the beef is with this guy. He wins games, he's not arrogant, not an asshole, puts the team first, NEVER takes credit for the win, doesn't break the law (unless breaking hearts is a crime. BOOM!), works his mother fucking ass off, says the right things, does the right things, etc. He's fucking flawless. He is literally the perfect human. I wouldn't be shocked if his saliva cured blindness. You know how we as people have that one thing that we've built/said/done that we are most proud of? Whatever it is you just take a step back and think, "God Dammit, that is choice!" Well, I have no doubt that for God, that thing is Tim Tebow. But he didn't say God Dammit...maybe "Myself Dammit" instead. I guess what I'm getting at is don't hate Tebow because the media can't remove their kung-fu grip from his holy grundle. Don't even hate the media for it. If ever a story deserved to be humped into submission, it's this one. We need a feel good story to lift our spirits from time to time. Is that so WWRROOOUUHNNGG??

Anyway...I'm convinced that anyone who wants Tebow to fail is just a straight miserable fuck who finds a way to hate everything in life no matter how awesome. This type of person hates things like fake tits, batting cages, videos of dogs doing funny dog stuff, burritos, finding money, the feeling of warm underwear on your chilly nuts, candy, farting in the bathtub...you get the idea. To hate Tebow is to hate America. So stop being such a God damn terrorist and appreciate the Tebow while we still have him. Would you rather have Favre and his scab covered hillbilly cock? I'll take that adorable bastard Tebow over attention demanding gutter sluts like Chad OchoFuckFace any day. Long live Tim Tebow.

An Evening With Jim Boeheim

2011-12-01T07:31:00.001-05:00

"I want you to rub your penis tip...right here."

Well, as my musical mastermind comrade Joel so kindly pointed out, it's been quite some time since I've posted anything to my own site. Spose I'll turn off the Justin Bieber Christmas CD for the moment and do something about that. Sometimes I just can't help it. His voice is so magical it wraps around my body like a bear skin rug. Moving on. I have a real treat for you all today. When the Jerry Sandusky story first broke at Penn State, I did everything I could to get an interview with Joe Paterno so I could find out exactly what happened. You know...do some real solid journal work. Well, I was successful but unfortunately virtually ALL of the interview was practically useless as Gargamel just kept gurgling in between saying "doodies" every 5 minutes. So I pulled some strings and was able to attempt to get some answers from yet another college coach surrounded by a public pedophilia sex scandal. Last night I sat down with Jim Boeheim and picked his brain. Here's what happened.

Iceman: Thanks for sitting down with me coach. I know this can't be easy for you with all the negative press Syracuse has been getting lately.

Jim Boeheim: Fuck! Are you serious? My agent said you wanted to discuss the most superior jelly bean flavor. Well, on with it I guess. I've already postponed my crotch shampoo appointment.

Ice: Yeah...kinda lied on that one. But you know all about lying don't you? How long have you known Bernie Fine is a sexual predator?

JB: You son of a bitch.

Ice: Excuse me?

JB: Do you have any idea how many God damn All-Americans have cycled through this place under my flawless regime? Billions. Billions I tells ya!

Ice: How is that even relevant and are........you sure about that number?

JB: You fuckin heard me. BILLY OWENS LOVED IT HERE!!

Ice: Sure he did. Next question. Do you support pedophilia?

JB: Yes. Um, I mean no..........repeat the question please.

Ice: Okay...are you accepting of grown adults using underage boys as their sexual playground?

JB: Listen here. I have this watch. It's a lot like my dick. It tells the time, it's made of solid 24 karat gold and it can cut glass with ease and precision. What happens under this watch is my business and my business alone. Until the police come knocking...then I will sing like a prison yard bitch. But until then you can fuck yourself.

Ice: Why do you keep avoiding the question?

JB: Listen. This is all you need to know about me Snowman.

Ice: Ummm, that's Iceman.

JB: Like a give a giraffe's asshole. This is all you need to know. Do you know why I talk like this? Why I give the cocky half smirk with every question you ask and speak to everyone like they're a Japanese alley whore? It's because I'm better than everyone...especially you. My butthole tapers poop off better than yours. I shave a dog's balls better than you. I smack my belly with my flaccid wiener better than you do. Even menial tasks that most people don't care about I am better at than you. For example, shucking corn and making tree forts. Farting. Sewing curtains. Drinking piss. All of it. The fucking best.

Ice: Noted. So, do you think you'll be fired over this like Paterno was?

JB: Bitch, please. I AM SYRACUSE BASKETBALL MUTHAFUCKA!! I TOWELED OFF DERRICK COLEMAN'S NAKED BUTTOCKS AND ATE PIEROGIES WITH RONY SEIKALY!! I PAID SHERMAN DOUGLAS TO FUCK MY HUNCHBACK DAUGHTER AND LET GERRY MCNAMERA MASTURBATE IN THE FILM ROOM WHEN HE THOUGHT I WASN'T WATCHING!!! SO DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT WHO IS LOSING WHAT JOB YOU FUCKING SOUR HAM WALLET!!!

Ice: Okay, calm down...relax. I'm obligated to ask one basketball related question so here it goes. How do you like your squad this year and your chances in the Big East?

JB: Pssssht. Stupid question. This team has 12 future NBA lottery picks on it because I recruit like a brilliant bastard. We're not losing a game this year as long as we never start Big East play and keep ourselves out of the NCAA tournament. Are we done here? My shampoo appointment starts soon.

Ice: Yeah...we're done here. Best of luck with everything this year. On and off the court.

JB: Fuck you.

As you can see, Jim Boeheim is quite the son of a bitch. Needless to say, I didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. Much like the Sandusky situation, I think James has some dirty laundry he's desperate to keep hidden. To say that I've always thought Boeheim was a liver spotted infected dick scab is a gross understatement. So whatever happens to this bag of shit, he most definitely deserves. Let this be a lesson to all you coaches out there. STOP FUCKING LITTLE BOYS!!! Also, if you know something fucked up happened...FUCKING SAY SOMETHING. That is all.

Fantasy Killers

2011-11-10T05:57:00.001-05:00

"One! One whole game without getting hurt...alright!"

What a neglectful little asshole I am. I get a new toy and all of a sudden I can't post on my own site anymore. Whatever excuse I put down is just a complete lie to cover up my unconditional laziness. Let me get that out of the way. So go ahead and make up whatever excuse you would like for my broken promises if it makes you feel better. You would probably come up with a better one anyway.

I can't stop thinking about fantasy football, so another fantasy football post is what you get. So far this season has been a fucking nightmare for me. Injuries have run through my teams like Black Death through Eastern Europe. When one gets infected, they all get infected. At least that's what it has felt like. But no one wants to hear about the troubles times my fantasy football teams have fell on. That's like boring the fuckin shorts off someone with a 30 minute conversation about a bad poker beat you took. Instead I will construct a healthy list of players that will never see a spot on any of my rosters ever again. You have fucked my tender butthole for the last time.

Chris Wells - God damn you. Do you have a rare medical condition where your bone structure slowly erodes every single day? Were you born premature and never fully recovered from the damage? Are you secretly 80...like Benjamin Button? What?! What is it? I have to know. I have to know how a 23 year old running back with the body of a fucking linebacker cannot stay healthy. I successfully talked myself into Wells this year because I thought he could do it. Apparently the coaching staff thought he could too or else they wouldn't have shipped Hightower to running back hell in exchange for a stack of Waffle House coupons. Lesson learned.

Felix Jones - Pussy. There's really nothing more that can be said other than he's an out of this world, superhuman pussy. Why do I have this feeling that Jones could be going 100 in a Fiero, flip in 40 times and walk away unharmed? I fuckin bet that would happen...yet he can't make it a quarter of a season without separating something. You know, other than his own pussy lips. They should just start Demarco Murray until Felix can prove his body isn't made of cooked noodles.

Daniel Thomas - Jesus Christ. What is the deal with young running backs and health issues? I miss the good old days where running backs played through anything then had to re-learn how to spell their name in the locker room after every game. Now guys like Thomas, "tweak" a hamstring and they're out 4 games. Listen. Phillip Rivers is the whitest, mushiest, most non athletic mutant in the world. And he played an entire game with a partially torn ACL. Am I supposed to believe that Phillip Fucking Marmalard Rivers is tougher than all 3 guys I just mentioned? You know I'm talking about this guy, right? I just don't know what to believe in anymore.

Cam Newton - Nope. Not buyin it. Not even a little bit. He's gonna get drafted sooooo high next year it's impossible to even think about. It makes my head throb. I'm talking second round, third round MAX. It's gonna be so dumb. This is the flukiest fuckin bullshit I have ever witnessed in all of fantasy football. ESPECIALLY by a rookie quarterback on a horrific team from top to bottom. Whoever takes Newton is just wasting a pick and throwing money away. Unless you think that Cam Newton is the second coming of Peyton Manning, then yeah. Go ahead and take a stab at him next year and try not to punch through your laptop screen when you're forced to drop him by week 6. Don't worry, by that time you should be 0-6 and first on the waiver wire.

Desean Jackson - I didn't draft Jackson this year since I completely swore him off last year. So I guess we'll just treat this as a little reminder to stay true to myself and my beliefs. Last time I checked, you don't get fantasy points for being a retarded jackass. And you certainly don't get fantasy points for thinking you're the greatest WR every birthed. Raise your hand if you like 35 fantasy points one week then no more than 6 fantasy points for the next five weeks. Yeah...me either. On an unrelated note, if I were Philly brass I would let this guy spit into the back of my throat before giving Jackson the money he wants. Maclin, Avant and Steve Smith are more than enough juice at the receiver position.

Learn from my mistakes, people. I'm here to educate you.

I always Knew You Would Puss Out.

2011-10-20T07:30:00.001-04:00

"See...this is what happens in Cincinnati when you ask to be traded. DO I STUTTER?!"

It's about fucking time. It looks like big bad ass Mike Brown finally caved to the demands of his disgruntled QB. By now I'm sure all of you have heard about the Carson Palmer trade to Oakland unless you don't own a television or radio and live in a cabin made from boar shit and wood chips in the deep woods of Wyoming. Let me say this...I love this move. Not because it helps Oakland who all of a sudden on Sunday glanced at the field and said, "Fuckin seriously? This is our starting QB for the rest of the year?!". Not because it will immensely help out SEVERAL of my fantasy football pawns (well, kinda). Not even because I love listening to Bengals fans complain about anything they can get their greasy, white trash hands on. I love this move because Mike Brown lost.

I've had a growing hatred for Mike Brown ever since this whole Palmer debacle started raping our ear drums in the preseason. This is my problem with Brown. His direct quote was as follows. Just so I don't screw anything up.

“I’m not expecting [Carson Palmer] to be back. Carson signed a contract, he made a commitment. He gave us his word. We relied on his word and his commitment. We expected him to perform here. If he is going to walk away from his commitment we aren’t going to reward him for doing it.”

Brown handled this entire situation the wrong way and ended up looking like a fucking child in the process. How many commitments has he made to current/former players that he's walked away from? It goes both ways, asshole. You can't piss and moan about broken promises when you don't hesitate to break the ones you've made. The fact is that Mike Brown is cheap, a hypocrite and his grundle probably smells like a musty basement. That last part has nothing to do with his ability to run a football team, it just speaks to how gross and difficult to be around he is. If you don't believe me, just get on the Internet. I dare you to find an article talking about how awesome Mike Brown is. At anything. You might find one from the late 80's about his killer Pinewood Derby car making talents if you're lucky.

No matter what Oakland gave up to get Palmer (I'm pretty sure it was 2 first round picks with the pick in 2013 being conditional on some level. I'm really too lazy to go look since I have my heart set on watching Bad Teacher tonight and this blog is really getting in the way of that.) they win in this deal. Not only does Kyle Boller's diabolical plan of quarterbacking the Raiders to a 4-12 finish get foiled, but it's an absolute certainty that Brown is going to completely tank the picks he got from Oakland and fuck them up in the most hilarious way possible. So it's not like Oakland really loses anything here since they were going to blow those picks on terrible players anyway. Yeah, yeah...Al Davis is dead so they probably won't try and draft guys like Duke Nukem or John Rambo anymore. But his spirit remains alive and that's all you really need to totally botch an NFL draft.

That's right. You get my half-assed attempt at a blog tonight. This movie I'm about to watch is way more important than quality work. I'm also gonna eat so many cookies I'll have to lift up my tits to tie my shoes. It'll be worth it. I feel like the Jets. Just chuck your shit out there and talent will take care of the rest. Right? I said, RIGHT?! Agree with me.

Game Night!!!

2011-10-13T06:22:00.001-04:00

"You have a problem with Battleship? You tell me right fuckin now what's wrong with Battleship."

Before I start, once again...my college football wisdom at the Money Shot. Now that we have that out of the way, I feel like doing a little something away from the sports grid. This idea literally just came to me five minutes ago so bear with me. It could be great, or it could be mushy poop. Here we go. I'm not afraid to admit I love board games. Because board games are fuckin sweet. Unless you're the guy that hates on everything. Then board games are for boring losers because that guy thinks that everything fun is for boring losers. While that guy sits in his living room listening to his latest underground indy-rock record, I give to you faithful readers my top 5 best board games of all time.

5. Battleship

I'll let you in on a little secret. I was a fucking legend in this game. How, you may ask? Well, it's simple really. I cheated my God damn balls off. Once it was determined that either A) I was the worst ship positioner in the history of board gaming or B) I was playing against a fucking mind reader every single time, I knew drastic measures were in order. Seriously. It was like a US Navy Fleet Admiral was barking orders from the other side of the game board.

"B-10."
"Fuck. Hit."
"C-9."
"Fuck! Hit."
"A-4."
"FUCKIN MOTHER FUCKER GOD DAMN FUCK FACE! CAN YOU SEE MY SHIPS IN THE REFLECTION OF MY GLASSES?? HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?! FUCKING ANSWER ME!!! I quit."

That's how things usually went until I sharpened up and started moving my ships around the board randomly during the game. It's almost impossible to hit a moving target. And my opponent was none the wiser. Strategy, bitches.

4. Operation

This game was great! Any time you have the chance to give children under 10 the anxiety of a 'Nam vet you HAVE to capitalize. You know the concept...remove stuff from a naked white guy whose gut safely protects perverts from sneaking a peak at his cartoon junk. Shit was real easy until you got to the dreaded wishbone. Fuck that wishbone. I always remember violently shaking like I was going through heroin withdrawal when it was time for surgery. That's when I knew I would never be a doctor. That notion was later confirmed when I barely passed Anatomy my Senior year of college.

3. The Game of Life

Ahhhh, the game that teaches you about all the stuff that is going to suck massive taint when you get older.

Surprise! Twins!!

Huh? What do you mean kids cost money?! This is bull shit. Can I get rid of them? NO?!?! Why the fuck not? Now I have to get a job and buy a house?? What kind of fucking game is this?

It's the game your parents bought you when you were old enough to understand how much of a pain in the ass you've been so far. This was their way of really hammering it home so you knew that even though they loved you, they didn't always like you. It was also the game they bought you when you couldn't understand why the hell you didn't get the newest video game system for Christmas like your best friend with the rich parents got.

"You see, son. Your future is pretty much pure chance and luck. Some people have awesome jobs that pay a shitload of money and others have jobs that pay next to nothing. It's pretty much a spin of the wheel that determines whether your life is awesome or terrible. So spin smart or hate yourself forever. OK! Have fun! I'll be in the den crushing a fifth of Maker's Mark thinking of ways to kill myself."

Whatever. I still liked it. Probably because of the noise that spinner thingy made.

2. Monopoly

Yes! The game of absolute greed! This game taught me how to be a cold hearted asshole. You think you can just land on my property with zero consequences? I don't know who you have been speaking to but I think you have the wrong idea about my establishment here at Marvin Gardens. Regardless of what you may have heard, the simple fact remains that nothing is free. That will be $22, bitch. Now fork it over or I'll cast you down with the sodomites in the Monopoly prison! You should just feel lucky I haven't juiced up the estate with luxury hotels yet. I'll bankrupt your ass, mother fucker!! I'll fuckin do it!!! I've always wanted to play this game as an adult with someone who has actually filed for real life bankruptcy and break their spirit a second time by taking all their fake board game cash. Then I could follow it up with, "Damn. Bankrupt again. Looks like you suck with real money AND fake money." I bet that would go over well...but it would be worth it, I think.

1. Scene It

I know this is a newer game but son of a bitch is it fun. This game was made for nerds like me and I'm currently ranked #1 in the world. I am a mother fucking wizard at Scene It. Many have attempted taking on the crown, and many have fallen. I accept any and all challengers but must throw out the warning that I play with vigor and fury. Do not expect me to let up because my competitive spirit will not allow it. I'm here to mentally and physically crush you...and I promise you that's exactly what will happen. The gauntlet has been thrown. Who will accept the challenge?

I guess that went okay. A lot better than i expected, that's for sure. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go eat some peanut butter pie and fart on the couch while I watch some TV.

I Am the Smartest Man Alive: Revisited

2011-10-06T06:59:00.000-04:00

"I'm gonna throw this flag through your God damn body you fuck faced shit sniffer!"

Question. Have all of you been reading my college football posts at the Money Shot? Fuckin Liars...you have not. You would be wise to change your idiotic ways because as predicted, I'm killing it over there. Moving on. Here we are one quarter of the way through the NFL season. Back in late August I made some mind blowing predictions that impressed all of you. Let's see how I'm doing so far.

AFC North:
Pittsburgh (2-2)
Baltimore (3-1)
Cleveland (2-2)
Cincinnati (2-2)

Thoughts: According to ESPN.com, Pittsburgh is listed as last in the division. I'm not counting the Steelers out just yet, but let's just say I have the lube out, the towel's on the floor and the candles are lit. Raperberger is hurt, so is BinLadendenhall and the offensive line looks like the cast of that fat people show where they get paid to lose weight while we all make fat people jokes at them.

Modification: Baltimore takes the division and is the only playoff team.

AFC South:
Indianapolis (0-4)
Houston (3-1)
Tennessee (3-1)
Jacksonville (1-3)

Thoughts: If Manning didn't have 70 unannounced neck surgeries in the off season and played like we were led to believe he would, this would be spot on. The Colts have had a chance to win every game (except for Houston) with Panhandler Collins and Sunshine Painter doing their best impersonations of professional QBs. There's no doubt this team is at least 3-1 with Manning under center and Collins begging for change on the streets so he can get his next Olde English fix.

Modification: Houston takes their spot as top dog while Chris Johnson continues to raise the blood pressure of fantasy football owners world wide. I'm also getting ballsy and saying Titans get the wild card.

AFC East:
New England (3-1)
NY Jets (2-2)
Buffalo (3-1)
Miami (0-4)

Thoughts: Buffalo just lost to the Bengals. Don't be fooled by the 3-1 record and the win against the Patriots. New England is usually good for one bad loss every year (see Browns, Cleveland 2011). The Bills are moving in the right direction but clearly are not there yet. Miami may not win a game this season and will still be firing the coach they wanted to fire before a single game was played this year.

Modification: New England still wins this division and I continue to hate Bill Belichick and his fucked up goal line 5 wide sets. Wes Welker continues to spread STDs throughout multiple New England high schools. Mainly with the male population. Rex Ryan stops fucking toes long enough to get the wild card. Again.

AFC West:
Oakland (2-2)
San Diego (3-1)
Kansas City (1-3)
Denver (1-3)

Thoughts: My hatred for Todd Haley continues to blossom like a new teenage summer romance. This guy is a fucking shit salad. As much as I hated seeing Jamaal Chuck carted off the field like a cripple, a small part of me laughed like a bastard. Haley doesn't deserve a weapon like Charles. Just like a naked woman, Haley has no idea what to do with a great player. I guess you'll have that when you're used to dealing with Larry Johnson cold cocking women for denying his request for a public dick sucking. And Denver still finishes last.

Modification: I'm sticking with Oakland on this one. McFadden may be the best running back in football and Norv Turner's face still looks like the surface of the moon.

NFC North:
Green Bay (4-0)
Detroit (4-0)
Chicago (2-2)
Minnesota (0-4)

Thoughts: NAILED IT! Green Bay looks fucking unstoppable and I want to party with Jim Schwartz. He has to tell the best inappropriate jokes of all time. Get some booze in him and I promise he gropes waitresses at sports bars. He probably does shit like smack their ass while calling them "sugar". Minnesota is the best 0-4 team of all time and Leslie Frazier should get fined every game AP doesn't touch the ball 30 times.

Modification: Hold onto your nutsacks...Detroit makes the playoffs as a wild card this year and Jim Schwartz punches out a horse while celebrating.

NFC South:

Tampa Bay (3-1)
Atlanta (2-2)
New Orleans (3-1)
Carolina (1-3)

Thoughts: So yeah. I was wrong about New Orleans. They're going to win this division. But eat my shit because Tampa is getting the wild card. They just find a way to win games the same way Cam Newton finds a way to drive people to suicide when playing against him in fantasy football. Deangelo Williams and Jon Stewart are officially the worst back field in the history of the NFL. There isn't a close second.

Modification: New Orleans takes the division, Tampa Bay wins the wild card and Tiki Barber pays Russian nationalists to kidnap Ronde in a pathetic attempt to get back on the football field. He thinks people won't notice The Tiki...but they will. Delusion is a funny thing.

NFC East:
NY Giants (3-1)
Philadelphia (1-3)
Dallas (2-2)
Washington (3-1)

Thoughts: What is happening in Philadelphia is beyond words hilarious. Never market yourself as a "Dream Team". It never works out. More like the fuckin "Cream Team". As in getting ass cream pied by every team they play. Colon Cowturd STILL after a 1-3 starts says the Iggles are the 9th best team in the NFL. Do you see why I hate this fucking parasite so much?

Modification: None. Giants still win this division and Coughlin still looks like a Gringott's Bank Goblin. That's one nerdy ass Tom Coughlin joke.

NFC West:
St. Louis (0-4)
Arizona (1-3)
San Francisco (3-1)
Seattle (1-3)

Thoughts: This division continues to play the worst football, be the most boring, and have the least amount of fans. I've said more about the NFC West than it deserves.

Modifications: Fuck...I don't know. I guess San Francisco?? Because they have a 2 game lead and are almost halfway to the 8 wins it'll take to win this division. I would rather pipe clean my dickhole than think any more about the NFC West.

Not too shabby if I do say so myself. There's a few blemishes on there but I've been pretty close for the most part. You know, if I can convince you to forget about that whole New Orleans thing. Stay tuned for the midseason update to see my predictions become even more awesomer.

Triple the Dimensions, Triple the Dumb.

2011-09-29T14:06:00.001-04:00

"I wonder if these 3D glasses will work on my VHS copy of Barely Legal Debutantes."

Hooray for laziness! Let me dust the cobwebs off of this site's rusty vagina and throw a post up here for ya. I'm actually going to do something different for a change and rant about something outside of the sport spectrum. It doesn't happen often so make sure you save this entry under your favorites tab next to your midget porn and drag queen rap battle videos. Today, I will discuss the 3D phenomenon.

Last Saturday I was dragged to go see the Lion King 3D. Now, it wasn't my choice since Disney movies are for children...not two adults living together in a committed relationship sans children. But I went. Why? Simple. Leverage. The next time I want to see some graphic slasher film that shows naked teenage titties for absolutely no reason, I have the Lion King 3D card to whip out. Well, that and I embrace almost any scenario that will prevent an argument. Besides, it made her happy (awwwwwwww!) and it's not like it was Titanic 3D. Although I do wonder what Kate Winslet's chubby naked sweater meat would look like in three dimensions. So, in a moment of weakness the Iceman caved to the desires of his lady partner.

I will preface what I'm about to say by saying that the movie itself wasn't that bad. Mainly because the Lion King is one of the less pussy Disney movies out there and because it was only 90 minutes long. Now if we were talking The Little Mermaid 3D you can chop my dick off, shove it in my mouth and blow my fucking brains out in front of a crowd of rubberneckers before you would get me in that theatre. I stand firm on that. I draw the fucking line at singing cartoon mermaids.

Here was my problem (finally, right?) We (or I should say she) paid almost $14 dollars a ticket for this daycare in a dark theatre. Relax all the 1940's alpha males who are reading this. "What a heel! He made her pay for the movie??? Egads! The horror! What would his parents think?!" Fuck off. I paid for dinner which was actually more expensive. And since I'm not a millionaire, we decided it was good form to split the bill that night. So back to the matter at hand. Fourteen fucking dollars for a movie that you can rent and watch from your couch for two motherfucking dollars. Why? Because of the stupid as fuck 3D craze. Why is this so popular? Honestly...if anyone has an answer I would love to hear it. Because when I see anything in 3D it makes me want to puke and afterwards makes my vision shaky like I just took a temple shot from Brock Lesnar. Nothing like paying extra for the feeling of dope sickness following the film.

Now all these TV companies are trying to cash in. Are you fuckin shittin me? You do realize people pay money to NOT wear glasses and pay sack loads of money to NOT wear glasses or contact lenses, right? What makes you think that people who actively try and live their lives glasses free are going to want to pay twice as much money to be forced into spectacle wearing while watching television...something we all do a fuck load of? People are dumb, but not that fuckin dumb. That's like trying to get people to buy those tiny two seat toasters that run on electricity if they got the same gas mileage of a US M103 heavy tank. There's a reason they bought the death box, assholes. They are willing to sacrifice possible gruesome death/guaranteed closed casket funeral for 70 billion miles to the gallon. Same goes for 3D. People don't want to be forced to wear glasses while enjoying late night Skinamax...no matter how appealing 3D fake sex is.

We only have ourselves to blame here. The more we encourage the behavior, the more 3D bullshit will be forced upon us. I, for one, have vowed to never again go see a 3D movie. It's just a scandalous ploy to suck another four bucks out of me (or my sugar momma) for an already outrageous ticket price. Fuck 3D. I beg you all to think the same way. Only then will 3D leave our happy existence for good.

Hurricane Ditka

2011-09-13T14:44:00.000-04:00

"It heightens the sensation when you jack your little weenus."

It's been awhile since I've used my international star power to gain an interview with someone in the sport world. So last week I decided to contact ESPN so they could momentarily unfreeze Mike Ditka for his first ever exclusive interview at My Brain Vs. The World. We laughed, we cried, Ditka ate paper clips. Let's take it from the top.

Iceman: Coach. How are things?

Ditka: *mumbling* Who the hell are you?

Iceman: The Iceman, dipshit. Didn't your handlers tell you that you have an interview today?

Ditka: That's a negative. What day is it? Tuesday? I'm supposed to get my back shaved on Tuesdays. Since I'm already here let's get this over with, dammit.

Iceman: Jesus...I agree. First question. Is it true that any quarterback could play for the Bears and you would find a way to admire them?

Dikta: Well, I gotta tell ya there Iceman. That Jay Cutler is a good football...he's just a born leader with a...the guys really respect him in th...th...th...th...th...th...

Iceman: What the fuck??

*3 guys in suits wearing earpieces walk in and smack Ditka in the head with a bowling pin and run out.

Ditka: th...the locker room. He's really got that killer instinct you look for in the National Football League.

*Ditka stares at me for what feels like 20 minutes without saying a word

Iceman: Ummmm....excuse me. Didn't you feel that?

Ditka: I gotta tell you boy. I'm about 20 seconds from fist fucking your ass the same way I do with Merril Hoge if you don't stay on track. Continue. You don't mind if a fire up a stogie do ya?

Iceman: Not at all, Coach.

*pulls out a dog turd and lights it

Iceman: Do you know you just lit a dog....never mind. Second question. How are you still alive?

Ditka: Because I choose when I die. When I don't feel like being alive anymore I'll simply say the words. I made a deal with the devil back when I was still coaching. It was the second best trade I ever made. Second only to trading my entire New Orleans draft for Hash Head Williams.

Iceman: So how much longer do you think you can do this? It sounds like you're about a week away from unknowingly walking into a bank completely naked every time I hear an interview on the radio. You don't even let people finish the questions before yo..

Ditka: Ah tell ya...I really don't know there, Iceman. It's like, you do this for so long and then one day you're like...I feel really good about this thing. And I...you know, 20 years ago. I'm wearing oven mitts then one day my shoelaces are missing. I coached and I loved it the thrill of smashin the smashies. Smashers and smarsherines. It's just...WAKE UP!

*Ditka starts violently punching himself in the testicles

Iceman: You're gonna do some pretty irreversible damage there if you keep that up, kiddo.

Ditka: IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE HAPPIES!

Iceman: Wow. I think we're done here. Wanna put the leash back on guys? He's starting to give my leg hungry eyes.

Shortly after that Ditka was rolled back into his cage and shocked in the butthole with cattle prods when he refused his medication. So much more makes sense to me now that I had a chance to do that interview. Hopefully in the future I can get a chance to sit down with Merril Hoge to find out why he's such a fuckin twat. Just keeping everyone updated...my new Tuesday college football post at the Money Shot can be found here and I'm shooting for Tuesday there and Thursday here for new posts. Because I like my free time more than I like entertaining you assholes.

Yes...More Fantasy Football You Ungrateful Bastards

2011-09-06T21:42:00.000-04:00

I'm STUNNED not one NFL team gave this guy a shot.

Before I start, I have some news. As of today (Tuesday) I will be contributing to another blog called The Money Shot. It's a blog started by a buddy of mine from high school and it's about the same thing that I do here. Tuesday's are mine and will be dedicated to nothing but college football until the bowl season is over. Don't worry...I'll still be posting here but I may have to keep it to once a week since I have a life.

At The Money Shot, no topic is off limits although most of them are sport related. The only difference between the two blogs is that my site has never been shut down due to child pornography. But seriously. Gmoney's been doing it longer and better than I have and if you enjoy what I do you owe it to yourself to read the weekly postings at his site. Now that I've buffed Gmoney's cock to a glowing shine, let's dive into the kiddie pool head first.

First, let me say that I'm not discussing anything college football related on this site as long as I am writing for Gmoney on Tuesdays. You can check out what I have to say about college foosball every Tuesday over at The Money Shot. I expect you all to be there or you can all expect me to mail you diarrhea. I will reserve this site for NFL, NBA, poop related things, movies, scat porn, etc. So how about some more fantasy football?

This past weekend, my favorite draft and longest standing league I've ever been in was held a the VanAusdale Ranch in Napoleon, Ohio. This league is fucking historic. It's and auction draft that was started by the Hoover clan circa early 1990's back when all scores were tabulated through the newspaper box scores. It always has been and always will be a live draft with all 12 owners in the same room. The way the FF settlers intended it to be. Now, the exact moment of my entry into this league is a little fuzzy but I believe it was approximately 1994. Which means I've been in this league for roughly 17 years. Don't ever question my loyalty, fuckers.

The salary cap is $160 and at the rate people tear through their cap money, some rosters get pretty interesting toward the end. Allow me to share. In all of the 17 years I've been in this league, my buddy Headley easily drafted the most pathetic running back corp I've ever seen this year. We start 3 RBs and he has his choice of AP, Roy Helu, Dexter McCluster, Kendall Hunter and DeMarco Murray. That's baby shit. Here are some more of the highlights (what I can remember anyway).

-Everyone was stunned that Seiler didn't draft Tiki Barber. Earlier in the day he sent me a text that read this: "I'm not showing up...just give me Tiki and Vick." Classic.

-Halfway through the draft Jordan looked at his roster, glanced at my cheat sheets of players left, let out a elongated sign and whispered "I'm fucked."

-We only get 8 pickups per season and I successfully drafted a kicker that's on the PUP list. What a fucking dumbass.

-My dad would do anything for Michael Vick. ANYTHING. Including murder someone in cold blood.

-Hines asked me to punch him in the dick until he passed out for drafting Gates at $12. After that request he drafted another TE. Both will be starters on his team.

-I loved listening to Zwiebel literally beg my brother to bid one more dollar to take Peyton Manning off his hands. Begged. Like a bum for change to satisfy his thirst for King Cobra malt liquor.

-We were all ready to prison rape Josh after the draft when he scored Shonn Greene, Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson for about a tenth of his cap space.

-Vince Young went for $29 last year...on a $160 cap. That gives me brain damage.

-Justin's first player drafted was Cam Newton. His second was Deangelo Williams. Later in the draft he got Steve Smith. Maybe he has some insider info about Carolina not available to the public. Or maybe he likes throwing away money.

-Jordan's starting QB's are just as hilarious as Headley's running backs. Kevin Kolb and John Beck (before Shanahan fist fucked fantasy owners again. Just wait until Hightower gets benched week 4 for absolutely no reason for some undrafted free agent no name out of San Jose State.). You know you're gonna have a sweet year when you go into a league with one QB that starts two. Never draft Redskins.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a millions things that happened that draft, but that's one of the reasons I love it so much. So much witty banter and hilarious antics happen it's impossible to remember all of them. You just remember you had a great time. You remember how awesome it was to be able to carry on such a thick tradition for just one more year. It will always be my favorite draft and if you're able to start a tradition like that on your own, I highly encourage it. Is it a pain in the ass getting everyone to agree on a date where they can all make it to one location? Sure. But it beats the shit out of starting at a computer screen for 2 hours waiting for some asshole to make a joke about a terrible player that was just taken. Best of luck to everyone this year in the Morning Woods league. Unless you're playing me. Then I hope your players die on the way to the stadium.

Recap of the Longest Night of My Life.

2011-08-31T10:50:00.000-04:00

"Come and suck on this cock, G$! You're my bitch now."

Last night kicked off the first ever MSFL auction draft. For those of you who don't know, the Money Shot is a daily sports blog I read that was started by the best God damn high school defensive/offensive tackle I've ever known, G$...and yes, that is my face on the banner. At least it was anyway, depending on when you read this. A few months back, the commenters on that site decided to wage war against each other in a fantasy football draft. That happened last night and these are the observations I made:

-Whoever said that online auction drafts only take an hour and a half should be suffocated with Evan Stone's salty nut suitcase. The final count was two and a half hours.

-GMoney loves the Browns. Maybe even more than the Redskins. To watch him battle for Peyton Hillis the way he did last night was awe inspiring and magical. Bid me up a dollar?? No sir! This man will not be denied a spot on my roster! Go get that Brown, G$!

-Grumpy drafted 3 Steelers, a former Steeler and tried getting a 4th Steeler but was distracted by his dog spit shining his own shaft with long, deep strokes. Someone likes the Steelers. So Raper wound up going to a different team for the low, low price of $18 ($200 cap). If you hurry Grump, you can still snatch Mewlede Moore off the waiver wire. He should be there forever.

-My bench is more pathetic and ugly than Damman's sex life. It's missionary with a bunch of land hogs that have harry nipples. The really long and black ones that curl at the end. Alex Smith is on there and that's all you need to know to properly gauge the severity of shit bags currently holding my team back.

-J. Saul kept bragging about how his team was "sick nasty" or some shit like that. I hope he was kidding because it's easily the worst team drafted last night. He drafted 3 QBs and Joe Flacco's uni brow was the best of them. He's getting last. I've never been more sure of anything.

-Glick...excuse me Fagnasty...ended up getting McFadden for a fuckin bargain at $33. I was in the bidding war at the end and apparently wasn't able to successfully add my bid with three seconds left. It wasn't until people were bidding on Steven Jackson that I realized McFadden was not on my team. Which leads me to...

-I overpaid for Steven Jackson. I didn't have a choice. I've discussed it with myself and we are now in stage 3 of the recovery process.

-Best QB value of the night easily goes to Lange. Getting Schaub for $13 is the fucking heist of the century. But he's starting Reggie Bush so that should more than even things out. The rest of Lange's team is about as exciting as shitting your pants in public.

-Mr. Ape has a rather disturbing infatuation with his own butthole. Just know that at one point, bleaching was brought up. And butthole skyping. Also, the first 3 players he drafted last night were all Eagles. He also picked up Vince Young (Eagle) and Jerome Harrison (former Eagle). Try and guess who his favorite team is...

-Austin probably has the best team when looking at starters and depth. No one in the starting lineup really dick punches you but if you go down the bench you see that he's got starter talent almost throughout. Thanks for outbidding me for Brandon Marshall you shit eating face fucker.

-Lil Strut actually got himself a pretty good team. But I would never tell him that directly. If Jaaaash Freeman can expand on what he did last year, getting him at $12 will be the steal of the draft. But that's assuming that snout nosed, chubby gang banger, Blount doesn't siphon away some of Freeman's scoring chances from the 10 and in.

-Damman paid more than $1 for a starting kicker...then paid another doller for a backup kicker. Second worst team in a landslide. You might as well have drafted Sanzendoucher if you were already dead set on being a dumbass.

-I'm still scratching my head at Tony B getting 2 top flight fantasy QBs in Brees and Ryan. The only thing that makes sense is attempting to trade one. But I don't think that Ryan has THAT much trade value. He has almost as much trade value as a lock of Dut's pubic hair.

-Ide has the second best team. Felix and Forte to go with Brady, Maclin, Wallace and Austin is going to be solid every week. Just hope that Maclin doesn't die of AIDS before the season's over.

Preseason predictions are as follows...

Douchelords Division

1. Mr. Brownstone

2. Team Lupus

3. Million Dollar Men

4. Casey's Son

5. Casey Anthony's Rack

6. Social Assassins

Fucktards Division

1. Define Rape...(duh, like I would pick myself to finish anything but first)

2. Murder Panties

3. Your Mom

4. Book Hockey Facials

5. Snoad Jobless

6. Over Rated

There you go assholes. That is fantasy league 5 of 7 that I'm in this year. Only 2 more to go. I can't wait to be done so I stop getting dirty looks from my woman every time she asks me what my plans are for the evening. Good luck to me and may all of your players punch out cops while carrying a book bag full of crystal meth.

I am the Smartest Man Alive!

2011-08-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

"Well sommbitchy! Here I come, a-snortin and a-fussin!"

Ha Ha. Suck it Indians. Thanks for the $40 dollars, dumbass Indians fans. That's all the baseball you're getting. Onto more important issues. I know you all can't wait for the real football to start, so while we're all finding ways to hide our boners...let's talk division winners and where your team will finish. Since I have 32 teams to plow through, I've restricted myself to 3 sentences max on every team. Winners are listed first, followed by second and so on. Starting with the AFC:

AFC North

Pittsburgh - I long for the days when this team sucks the tit of this division. But until we see evidence of that day...fuck off Steelers and you're the pick to win.

Baltimore - Any defense that starts Tom Zbikowski doesn't get my pick to win the division. The fewer Notre Dame pussies on your roster the better. Be happy with the wildcard and losing in the first round of the playoffs again.

Cleveland - Whatever good thing I say here will be labeled as homerism. So I offer this instead. Staring into Colt McCoy's eyes is as beautiful as spraying canned cheese into your open mouth. And the Bengals are still in this division.

Cincinnati - As long as Mike Brown continues to sabotage his own team and Marvin Lewis coaches here you can last place the Bengals in stone every year. Brown is the worst owner in sports. Period.

AFC South

Indianapolis - Because everyone else is picking the Texans.

Houston - Because the Colts still have that robot named Manning.

Tennessee - I'm assuming Chris Johnson plays and Matt Hasselbeck is a 22 year old whipper snapper compared to Kerry Collins and his liver spotted corpse.

Jacksonville - Because they refuse to believe they were wrong about David Garrard...for the last 5 years. It's over. Bury the mistake and never talk about it again.

AFC East

New England - Brady.

New York Jets - I've never known any Mexican quarterbacks in the NFL. Especially any Mexican quarterbacks that have done anything worth mentioning. Unless you count Ron Mexico...and I do.

Buffalo - He went to Harvard, guys. There's gotta be some sort of equation Fitzpatrick can come up with to get them at least 3rd. Plus there's..........

Miami - Brandon Marshall talks to sewer drains like there's people in there listening to him and Chad Henne has half a brain. I didn't even mention that Jason Taylor is back on the team...at 87 years old.

AFC West

Oakland - Because this division is up for grabs and everyone knows that as soon as the Raiders win it Skeletor Davis will finally give up his battle with living in misery.

San Diego - Norv Turner will find a way to fuck this up. He always does.

Kansas City - Cassel is a fraud and every team knows he only throws to his girlfriend, Bowe. Plus that smug fuck Haley refuses to use the best player on his team the way he should be used.

Denver - Tim Tebow almost started. And Brady Quinn is the backup. Teams have given up when a Notre Dame QB is one injury away from throwing 5 picks a game.

NFC North

Green Bay - Who else is gonna win it?

Detroit - Yes. It's time. No playoffs but I'm calling over .500 at 9-7.

Chicago - Cutler is a born loser. And a snot nosed fuck face.

Minnesota - I liked this team more when they were raping strippers on boats.

NFC South

Tampa Bay - Because it's boring to pick Atlanta like everyone else.

Atlanta - They'll probably win it but if Tampa Bay pulls it off I can say I called it.

New Orleans - Because no one cares now that we've forgotten Katrina happened.

Carolina - Newton or Clausen? Lube or dry fuck?

NFC East

New York Giants - Haven't you heard? Eli Manning is an elite quarterback. Hold on...I have to take this call from Commissioner Gordon real quick. I'll be right back...

Philadelphia - Too much chatter in the off season and Vince Young's fat turkey neck will be taking snaps at some point this season.

Dallas - Tony Romo...great fantasy quarterback, lousy real quarterback. And I say week 8 is finally when Dez Bryant gets pinched for mashing hookers in the face with garbage bags full of cocaine.

Washington - Shit gets weird when Rex Grossman tries to suck his own dick in the huddle.

AFC West /flips coin

St. Louis - Because St. Louis was tails.

Arizona - Because St. Louis was tails.

San Francisco - Alex Smith is better than Tarvaris Whitehurst. But barely.

Seattle - Because they are the worst fucking team in football.

There it is. Predictions you can take to the bank. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this: a few weeks ago marked the second full year in a row I've been boring everyone with my mindless chatter. So, happy anniversary and stuff...to me. Here's to another shitty year.

Listen to Me...If You Want to Live.

2011-08-16T16:31:00.001-04:00

"This is where Kevin Kolb's sperm usually lands after I deep throat him."

Good God, has it really been 2 weeks? Did you butt pirates miss me? Not like I owe any of you an explanation or anything...but I was taking much needed break from everything. And if felt good. Like, first time you saw a naked titty for more than a millisecond, good. I spent a week on the west coast and did some sweet crap all you fucks have always wanted to do. I surfed at Huntington Beach, almost got into a fist fight with a drunk bum in San Diego, went to the San Diego zoo and prayed for at least one monkey to throw his own shit at someone (left disappointed), stood on top of a really high mountain while breaking the world record for most ball sweat accumulated in one hour, raced fast go-karts like a super redneck, shot guns like a super, duper redneck and smuggled a Mexican across the border. Just kidding. I wish that last one was true. How fuckin great of a story would that be? They would probably have put my face on Mexican currency if I could have pulled that miracle off.

But I'm not here to brag about my awesome vacations. I'm here to talk about everyone's favorite subject...fantasy football. Tuck your boners up in your underwear elastic and let's dive in. In true American fashion, I plan on poaching a fellow blogger's formula by giving you sure fire busts in fantasy football this year. Normally I wouldn't do this but given my track record from last year I'm pretty sure I'll brick every last one of these...but still beat all your sorry asses. Here we go.

Quarterback - Kevin Kolb

Holy Jesus kitty fuckers. Kevin Kolb doesn't have an ounce of sperm left in his dehydrated ball sack from the constant fellatio of America. "But he has Fitzgerald to throw to!" Fuck and Off. I don't care if your number one WR is 1987 Jerry Rice as long as Early Doucet is your number 2 target. I'm pretty sure you can effectively cover Douchette with a linebacker. This leaves Fitz to soak up a shit load of tasty triple teams. Fuck, team may even quadruple team him. Are you scared of Douchette burning you? Get real. This is all you need to know about Kolb as a QB. He couldn't get his job back from a guy who spent 2 years getting buttholed in rapeville. Once defensive coordinators figure out by ohhhhhhhhh week 1 that you can easily triple Fitz and get away with it, Kolb will be left tossing out patterns to guys with hubcaps for hands 8 yards short of the first down marker. Kolb may throw for a ton of yards since Chris Wells has a career yards per carry average of about negative 40 billion and no one respects him or Arizona's running game because of it...but expect a Cutler-like TD to INT ratio also because of the "shit running game" factor. When the defense you're going against every week plays 19 safeties, it's gonna be hard to avoid those INTs.

RB - Arian Foster

This pick is half because I actually believe it and half because I know Joe is keeping him in one of my drafts...and I like purposely saying shit that gets him fired up. Remember last year when everyone who drafted Foster lucked out of their dickholes? Remember how Foster was supposed to split carries with Ben Tate until Tate tragically caught AIDS by licking Ryan Grant's pussy? Well, Tate is healthy now (kinda) and still on the team and Foster looks like he's hiding something. Like a bag of weed in his asshole, or a hooker chained to a rusty pipe in the crawl space of his house. If Tate was supposed to see heavy action last year, I can't imagine the Texans are going to completely write him out this year for two reasons. One, because he's young and they want to see what they have. Two, because if Foster is the real deal, I can't imagine the Texans want to give him the "Clinton Portis 400 carries per year" treatment. The last thing Houston wants is to run Foster ragged and be left to rely on Steve Slaton. Not even Steve Slaton wants that.

WR - Mike Wallace

I can already hear Steeler nation hurling swear words in between mouth fulls of moonshine. But the reason I put Wallace on here is because for once, I actually listened to a Steeler fan. The fact is that Pittsburgh doesn't throw the ball the same way other NFL teams do. They pound it up your ass with Mendenhall, then pound it up your ass with Raperburger's gray dick. Wallace finished 5th in receiving yards last year, tied for 7th in touchdown catches but tied for 37th in targets and tied for 42nd in receptions. Peyton Hillis had more catches last year than Pittburgh's number one WR. Hilarious. Now consider where Wallace is going to be drafted. Why risk such a high pick on a guy who is going to rely on the home run to match his stats from last year? In an offense that doesn't pass, that just signed Jericho Cotchery, that already has Hines Ward. Let some Pittsburgh fan who uses his Terrible Towel as a spank chief waste a 3rd round pick on Mike Wallace. You can scoop up someone like Mike Williams two rounds later who will probably do just as well, if not better than Wallace.

Kicker/Defense - Get fucked...no one cares. If you're coming to me for bust advice on kickers and defense then you probably finish at the bottom of your league every year. And if you pick either before the last 2 rounds of your draft you should be butthole punched repeatedly. Picking Steelers defense in round 10 doesn't make you a genius, it makes you the the dumb fuck of the draft.

There you have it, kids. Avoid at all costs...or if nothing else, draft with caution. Hopefully my predictions turn out a little better than last year. I'll never live down Jerome Harrison. On a sad note, I'm officially pulling the plug on Fun Bag(s) Friday. People lost interest quicker than they did with the Kim Kardashian porno starring robo-cock Ray J. Feel free to email me random shit whenever you feel like it. If it's funny or interesting it might just make the blog. Thanks to all who participated and I hope the advice I gave you made your lives worse.

Loser?! You're the Fucking Loser!

2011-07-28T21:44:00.000-04:00

"Released?! Now how am I supposed to help teams lose??"

So a few days ago I went to see the new Harry Potter movie. It was just what I suspected. Nerdy shit for nerds. I wanted to fuckin wedgie my own underwear up my bunshole on the way out of the theatre. Trying to make magic camp look badass is fuckin hilarious. But I digress. Something neat did happen afterwards, though. I walked into the bathroom to rip a squeege and took my normal pissing post at the urinal closest to the wall. This way I can't be sandwiched in between two pervs trying to peep the goods. So this dickfuck walks in and takes the urinal directly next to me when there are FOUR empty ones. Who does that? Correct. Pedophiles do that. My response was one that I believe is my new go to move. I farted. I roasted the loudest heater I could muster without shitting myself. That's right asshole. I've got no problem making shit weird for everyone up in this bitch. I'll uncomfortableize the fuck out of this place without thinking twice about it. Next time take your proper place at the urinal furthest from me.

Those of you expecting Fun Bag(s) can keep expecting. Due to a lack of questions, (thanks Andrew) I don't have enough to warrant an entire bag of fun. So instead I'll do us all a favor and talk some football. Let's dive into free agency and talk about the big winners and losers so far.

Losers

Miami Dolphins - They whiffed on Deangelo Williams, who I thought would actually make a great addition to that team. What's that say about the Dolphins? "Hey Deangelo. Wanna come play for us?" "Naaaahhhh. I'd rather play for a shit team with fat Vince Young quarterbacking us to a 2-14 record." I guess the back up plan is........Reggie Bush?? This move will probably get Sparano fired. Which is fine because they don't even want him there anyway. What makes me so happy about this is now my brother Josh (Notre Dame fan) has to cheer for Reggie Bush (USC). He's for sure getting a Bush jersey for Christmas this year.

Arizona Cardinals - Only because they're investing everything, the entire existence of this team, in Kevin Kolb. Sixty four million for a guy who's played 19 games in 4 years. Unfuckingbelievable. That's like me trusting my lotto winnings to a guy who took two entry level business classes in college. But I'm kind of afraid to talk shit about Kolb because I don't want Colin Cowherd slashing my tires or pouring arsenic in my cereal tomorrow morning. Cowturd needs Kolb's dick firmly submerged in his ass in order to function every day. It's like his version of batteries. Never before has there been a more intense love affair...unless you count John Madden beating off with ham juice to pictures of Brett Favre in Wrangler daisy dukes.

Seattle Seahawks - What. The. Fuck. I guess Tavaris Jackson found a way to successfully incinerate every last reel of game film throughout his career. And furthermore, found a way to wipe any of his breath takingly ghastly performances from the minds of every last person in Seattle's compound. When I heard about this move I giggled like I do when I fart in the tub. Let's recap...Seattle loses Hasselbeck. Who is good, not great. And now willingly places their fate in the hands of Tavaris "we trust a rookie with a questionable college resume whom we drafted entirely too high to start over you" Jackson, and Charlie "Creamy Mullet" Whitehurst. Hahahaha! Good fucking luck kids.

Winners

New England Patriots - I'm not gonna get all Cowturd on you here and suck Belichick's cock until his shaft gets pruney. So I will leave it at this and keep it short. The Patriots addressed two big needs with the addition of Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochofucko. I'm less worried about Ochofucko and more worried that Haynesworth will show up to camp looking like Pizza the Hut. If, and that "if" is bigger that Fat Al's milky tits, Haynesworth can stay motivated and stay sane...this could get very, very nasty for the rest of the AFC East.

Cleveland Browns - I only put them on here because they wisely tossed Jake Delhomme's rotting corpse into the free agent landfill. Listen, Jake is a great guy and a GREAT teammate. But I don't want my quarterback of the future taking quarterbacking advice from this guy. That's like taking rehab advice from Amy Winehouse. ZING! It's never too soon when it comes to making fun of that weirdo drugged out cum dumpster. She's lucky she lived as long as she did. Now if only the Browns can land a WR not named Braylon Edwards. Ol' doe eyes McCoy needs some targets.

Washington Redskins - Yep. You're reading this right. They righted two horrible wrongs and nearly totally unfucked themselves by ditching Haynesworth and McNabb. Even though they're left with a Mormon who looks like Will Forte quarterbacking the team, they have enough cap space to sign big time players. Like Brandon Stokley and Donte' Stallworth (that was a joke). The good news is there aren't a lot of Mexicans to kill with your car while drunk in Washington DC. It was one of the stipulations to get Mike Shanahan there. Flush the city of all Mexicans. Let's just hope Dan Snyder doesn't find a way to fuck this up worse than it was before.

There you have it, assholes. Winners and losers. Honorable mention loser goes to the Jets for VASTLY overpaying Santonio Holmes. Way to throw franchise money at a guy who isn't even in the top 30 best receivers in the league and set a precedent for guys like Pierre Garcon landing huge paydays in the future. Unless you talk to a Buckeye fan. Then he's worth the money. Because most Buckeye fans have the IQ of a soiled diaper. What a joke. He wasn't even the best WR on that team last year. Happy Friday fucksticks.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions and blog topics to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Dumps Like a Truck

2011-07-19T16:15:00.000-04:00

And that was the last time I crapped at Jerry Jones house.

It's no secret I talk about poop a lot. It's also no secret that I talk about the NFL a lot. So I decided that since it appears the NFL lockout will soon be coming to an end, why not combine my two favorite talking points into one column? Just in case you were wondering...I thought of this topic while I was taking a shit. It's where I do my best thinking. As I was wiping my ass (I happen to be a half-stand up, front to back wiper) I wondered to myself...what kind of wipers are some of the NFL players we hold near and dear to our hearts? The following are my theories.

The Ghost Wiper - Matt Ryan

Is there any doubt that Matty Ice has never taken a messy shit in his life? Look at him! He's tall, handsome, probably a polite eater, most certainly writes in perfect calligraphy. Ryan is the guy that fathers nationwide hope deflower their daughters because they know it will never be anything more than simple missionary. Plus there's no way a video will ever wind up on the Internet for the male population to grind their meat to. He seems about perfect in every single way. Why should his pooping habits be any different? He has the only butthole untouched by toilet paper.

Sloppiest Wiper - Albert Haynesworth

This one was easy. No other player was even in the same atmosphere. Big Al's so lazy and sloppy I would think sometimes he just skips wiping and lets the underwear do all the work for him. I guaran-fucking-tee he doesn't even check the TP after a swipe. Just a blind once over and a toss into the bowl leaving it there for the next person to flush. How many times a week does he just completely miss his hole altogether all while assuming it was a clean wipe? Here's the better question. Does he throw away the shit crusted shorts or throw them in the soiled linen basket to be laundered for later use?

OCD Wiper - Peyton Manning

I imagine Manning using almost an entire roll when he wipes. And, he is definitely a multi-flusher since he's too cerebral to clog the shitter with the four pounds of TP he uses. He has to be in there for hours at a time. Can't you just see it? Wiping until his asshole bleeds? Terrified one small trace of shit nugget will stain the holy Manning undies? That's why he always looks so jittery and uptight in the pocket. It's because his chili ring is raw from all the anal digging.

Baby Wipes Wiper - Larry Fitzgerald

This has Fitz written all over it. First, let me say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the baby wipe route. I've done it myself before. We've all had those grueling bouts with diarrhea and you know as well as I do that sometimes the hole can chafe after a battle royale. I challenge you to use baby wipes at some point in your life and will accept any gift you offer as your thanks. Now, Lawrence just looks like the guy who isn't willing to take any chances. He probably wears jean shorts and tucks everything in. Polo's, t-shirts, wife beaters...it doesn't matter. Always professional. Someone who cares that much about their outer appearance for sure pays special attention to the turd cutter.

One Ply Wiper - Pacman Jones

Assuming he's still in the league when the lockout ends, I couldn't think of any NFL player more fitting than Jones. Why? Because prisons use one ply. It only makes sense that someone who has spent a fuck load of time in jail would only feel comfortable wiping with the same kind of paper on the outside. I bet he can't even squeeze one out if he has anything thicker than notebook paper. I bet it takes a ton of one ply to clean up butthole rape blood.

Too Hard Wiper - Peyton Hillis

Don't you dare fuckin lie to me readers. You've all, at one point, been a little too aggressive with the wipe and drilled your finger through the paper making contact with your bare asshole. I'm sure some of you have even pulled back a poopy souvenier under your fingernail. Hey. It happens. Whether or not you learn from it is the question. I don't see Hillis making the correction. He has to wipe with such a ferocious velocity to the point where no human made TP can absorb the force. Plus he seems too fuckin dumb to figure out that he's the problem, not the paper. I love the guy, but he is a straight up county fuckin hillbilly with the IQ of paint. We should just replace all of his TP with bath towels. He wouldn't even know the difference.

There you have it, childrens. My theory of wiping habits of some of your favorite NFL players. That's right, NFL. This is what bloggers write about while we wait for all of you to get your collective heads out of your collective asses. Hurry up and finalize that deal or I'll be forced to write about players favorite sexual positions next week.

Send all Fun Bag(s) questions and topic ideas to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol...who the fuck knows.

2011-07-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

"Be vewey vewey kwyiet. I'm hunting gingers."

I'll admit it. I've been lazy. But so have you so let's stop smackin dicks together and get to some Fun Bag(s). We have a whopping 3 questions to get to today so let me grab my answer pants and get balls deep. For those of you keeping track at home that's already two dick jokes. I'm on a MacBook again so try and pretend this isn't a letter from an international terrorist group.

Kasey had said to me today what kind of syrup I would have with my blue waffles?? I said what the fuck are you talking about? She told me to google it and pick the first thing that comes up so I did. My question after seeing that disgusting ass picture is at what point do you think she said to herself... this isn't right maybe I should go get this looked at. Then she told me some guy said he ate a chick that had that and blister popped while he was licking it! Sorry to ruin those delicious waffles forever! Talk to you later buddy!

-Kirk

I got this email about a week ago. I'm still slightly confused as to why it wound up in my inbox. I'm only assuming it was meant for Fun Bag(s) since this is the only email I've ever received from the Captain of Kirks. Well, outside of the weekly gay porn spam this Kirk fella forwards onto me. The last one was Justin Morneau getting concussed by Denard Span's chocolate sausage dick.

Here's me answering the best I can. I've unfortunately seen the picture. I have some pretty fucked up friends. My assessment is that there's no fucking way this thing can be real. Unless it's attached to some sort of rotting corpse found buried under Terry Bradshaw's garage. The minute your snatch starts bubbling like boiling truck stop toilet water, I would have to believe that any self respecting hooker would go see someone about it. Not only does it look like the Toxic Avenger's asshole, I can't imagine something that looks so horrendous can feel normal. I would think it feels like she's pissing road tar every single time she takes a leak. That's usually a dead giveaway.

Touching on part two of your question...how hard up are you for pussy if you pull down panties and see that mutated beast staring you in the face? I was holding back vomit most of the time but I'm pretty sure I saw at least one tooth in there. If a woman has a set of boars teeth impaling her vaginal wall, how in the fuck do you still go through with it? The sick fuck you speak of had to be on the Jackass crew. It was probably Ryan Dunn...which explains why he's now dead.

Movie question. You know what is bad ass? One of those torches that Indiana Jones and other people use when they travel down into dark caves/snake pits. How long do you think those stay lit anyway? I want one of those for Christmas. How badass would I be walking down the street with a torch?

-G$

I would say the shelf life on one of those bad boys is probably about 6-8 hours. I'm sure they're fueled by ethanol or something super flammable. Maybe baby's blood. I heard that burns for about 8 hours. You should be careful though, because if you have a lot of black people in your neighborhood they may think the Klan is back in town. And since you live pretty close to the Kentucky border, a state known for inbreeding and hatred of blacks, you may be guilty by association. Would that be considered a hate crime if you were wrongly murdered simply because you were holding an Indiana Jones torch commonly used during the times of heavy lynching? Did I just answer your question with a question?

In case you missed James Harrison, and you didn't, he's making a splash about the labor issue but taking it a little more extreme. Is it safe to put this fucking roided out street fighter in the same category as Terrell Owens? As in trying not to scratch your eyeballs out every time he speaks? This guy is giving me more and more reason to really hate him. Let's not forget to mention this is the same shitfuck who declined his visit to the White House when they won Super Bowl XLIII because he felt "...if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, he [Obama] would've invited Arizona if they had won". Can I get a collective "what the fuck?" Yeah, no shit he would have invited Arizona, because they would have been Super Bowl Champs, one of the hardest things to do in the world of professional sports! You don't see Matt Leinart getting an invite because he can bong 6 beers at once, it's gotta be pretty fucking important to meet the President. Anyway, although he claims his words were twisted around, which is entirely plausible, are we shocked he's attacking his teammates (this reeks of T.O. as if my nose was nuzzled in his chili ring)? And how about the burning fiery quote he mentioned about Roger Goodell? Seriously, can we get an immediate PHD test for this heathen?

-The Wizard of Aus

And the first place "butthole analogy" goes to the Wizard of Aus for "chili ring". This was my favorite email. It had everything. Layer after layer of tasty nuggets and giggle fits. First let me helmet to helmet (tackle) the TO/Harrison comparison. As much as I fucking loathe TO, Harrison has just invented a new and improved level of retardation. He's the only member. CORRECTION! Joey Porter's in there as well. Weird...both are/were Steelers at one point. I've never heard anyone attack players on his own team in the same fashion as this latest Harrison rant. But how much blame can you really put on a guy who reads at a 3rd grade level and has every Transformer cartoon TiVo'ed? I would bet almost anything that every last wall in his house is covered in crude stick figure sketches drawn in crayon. And I'm just as sure he still wears Thundercats pajamas to bed. He's a violent fucking child stuck in a gorilla's body and does little in his life to prove otherwise.

It's just bad form calling Roger Goodell a faggot. It probably made him cry...and have you seen a ginger cry? God, it's hideous. It's like they don't even look like real people at that point.

Back to Harrison with my second part. The solution. Real quick first: I did love Mendenhall's Twitter response though. He just posted his regular season stats from ESPN.com showing the two fumbles he had all year. Brilliant. But seriously. The Roony's better sprout some balls and cut this baboon when the lockout ends. If there every were a sign that Harrison's brain is about to splinter into 40 different personalities...this was it. If you needed a reason to cut ties because you know that any second he's going to start bathing in chicken blood and toweling off with mink fur...here you fucking go. I'm sure Harrison hasn't played his last down in the NFL, but if the Steelers are smart they would ditch the baggage and make it priority number fucking one. Make him someone else's problem.

Wrapping it up now. I'm pretty upset we didn't have a single Pacman Jones question. Never before has an innocent man been arrested so many times for shit he never did. Six times police forces have gotten it wrong with Jones. How dare they?! LEAVE PACMAN ALONE DAMMIT!!!! HE'S JUST TRYING TO LIVE HIS LIFE!!!!! But for real...what a fuckin fuck. If you need a good laugh, go check out his mugshot. It's priceless. Happy Friday fucksticks.

Send all questions and blog ideas to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

I'm Tired of Being Right.

2011-07-05T22:32:00.000-04:00

"This is how much I care...which really isn't a whole fucking lot."

Today I've decided to do something a little different. Back on June 27th, I posted an entry that contained a section about Cleveland's botch job in the 2011 NBA draft. It can be found here. A couple Cavs fans showed up to defend, which is always precious. There was one comment in particular that I planned on responding to in an email.....but what the fuck? Let's just do it here. Reader's comments are in bold.

Playing 11 games is irrelevant, and shouldn't have even been a point in your argument.

Really. Irrelevant. Look how unstoppable Kyrie Irving is against Princeton! Watch in awe as Irving lights up the stat sheet against Colgate! Kyrie will impress your balls off while shredding the vaunted Miami of Ohio defense! And just to stop you right there...Butler was a fucking terrible team when Duke played them. So, just don't. Beating up on pussies as your only body of work needs to be address when you're the first overall pick in the draft.

The problem with drafting Williams with the number 1 pick is you don't know where he's going to play in the NBA. He may be a stud, he may be a bust, and right now nobody knows what position he's going to play. Power forward/small forward??

Explain to me why the fuck that matters. He's 6'8", 240. Small forward, power forward...who gives a shit? I'm sure he would have no problem at either position. He's big enough and quick enough to do either. Also since he happens to be a three point threat, he becomes a headache to match up with on the other end of the court.

If the Cavs want to get back to the playoffs and be a contender, they don't have time to sit there and dick around with who's gonna play where.

Too much stock in something that really doesn't matter as much as you think. Also...talent. I would have gone with talent is what will get Cleveland back into the playoffs. Williams with the first and someone other than Thompson at four is more talent than what you ended up with. Thompson is going to be soooooo bad.

Also, the Cavs whole team is trade bait.

I'm not sure how an entire roster is trade bait after finishing with the second worst record in the league. Maybe if teams are trying to get worse they can come check out whatever corpse Gilbert is passing off as a viable talent.

Dan Gilbert and the Cavs, have gotten 1 of the top 5 free agents, that didn't re-sign with their teams, in all but 2 years (and 1 of them was Lebrons first) that Lebron was with the team.

So they could lose and crush fan spirit with better players...

Do not sit there and say that you could do a better job than Gilbert.

Gilbert titles - 0. Iceman titles - 0. I think I'm holding my own.

Say what you want, but Pat Riley just put 2 all-stars (1 of which is probably the 3rd-5th best player in the NBA) with Lebron and they got NO further than the Cavs EVER did with Lebron.

First year together...

I don't care if it's only been 1 year.

Oh...

The Celtics got a group of 3 guys together and they won it THAT year. So did the Lakers, shit they did it with 2 guys.

Both teams had better role players already in place. And correct me if I'm wrong here but wasn't it you that put so much emphasis on the quality of role players on a championship team? The fact that Miami made it to the NBA finals with arguably the worst role players in the league is pretty fucking impressive. Especially when no one thought they would make it that far. They'll only get better regardless of any cracked out theory you come up with says otherwise.

I think if I'm you, I would worry a little bit more about my team than you do. The Pistons scouting and drafting are a complete dumpster fire.

I don't have to worry about my team. Why? Because I know the Pistons will be a contender before the Cavs will. I know this because the Cavs have been and always will be a gigantic group of losers. The only time your team mattered in the last two decades, you had the best player in the entire league. For 7 years you had him and could only muster getting swept in the NBA finals as the highlight of his time there. Make whatever excuse you want for not winning a championship with a transcendent player. It doesn't change the fact that the entire organization fucked around and blew it. Dumars may suck as a President and may orchestrate terrible moves, but he doesn't suck nearly as bad as Gilbert does as an owner. You see...Dumars is replaceable, but you clowns are stuck with Dan Gilbert for FOR-EV-VUR. And that's why my team will never be picking first in the NBA draft in my lifetime. And that's why my team will be in the playoffs before your team. Have fun this year watching the lazy version of Ben Wallace eat his way out of the league knowing full well you could have had a much much better player instead.

Send all questions and topic ideas to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

An Evening With Joe Dumars.

2011-06-28T18:03:00.000-04:00

"Hee Hee Hee. Pull my finger...wait, what was the question?"

It's time, once again, for another MB vs. TW exclusive interview. Now that the buzz surrounding the NBA draft has finally dissolved, I had a chance to sit down with Joe Dumars, President of Basketball Operations for the Detroit Pistons, and ask him a few questions about how the draft shook out. Iceman: First of all, I know you're a busy man. It takes more than just a few hours per day to demolish this team in the impressive manner in which you have. So let me say thank you for sitting down with me today. I'm sure you have more backbreakingly horrendous off season moves to make so I'll try and blast through this in a hurry. Joe Dumars: What do you mean, demolish? Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva were OUTSTANDING additions to this team. I've always said...you can never have too many 2 guards who can't/won't defend or too many 3-point shooting centers. Ice: Right. You know, I heard Jerry Stackhouse was thinking about coming out of retirement. Maybe you want to scoop that corpse up and lock him down to a multi-year deal. Anyway...how pissed were you that you weren't able to blow the second pick in the draft on Darko Milicic again? JD: That was a tremendous pick. It's all Larry Brown's fault he didn't turn out to be the player we all thought he could be. Besides, we still won the NBA title and Davidson was too brain dead at that point to realize how shitty of a job I was actually doing. What was left of his mind was too busy trying to catch a glimpse of his secretary's underwear pussy every time she bent over to pick up the pen his just purposely dropped. Ice: Solid plan. Too bad Davidson isn't around anymore. Does that mean you're scared for your job now that Gores owns the team? JD: Naaaaahh. I have that cracker on lock down. Just because he's from Michigan doesn't mean he likes spending time there. He's too busy getting million dollar hand jobs from jobless actress wannabe's in California to care what I'm doing. Not to mention that I also fucking NAILED this year's draft... Ice: Yeah...let's talk about that. Talk about catching a break with Brandon Knight with the 8th pick, eh? JD: *farts* Ice: Was........that a fart? JD: Nope. Ice: Interesting. Where was I? Yes...Brandon Knight. JD: For reals player! And to think I was dead set on drafting Tristan Thompson...a worse Ben Wallace with a way pussier name. Thanks for hookin a brotha up, Gilbert. Thank God there's still someone out there dumber than I am. Ice: Let's discuss your first pick in the second round. Why? Why the most hideous creature on middle Earth with the skin color and facial consistency of Gollum? JD: Simple. I need to bring some good wholesome American white back to Detroit. I figured this Singler kid is about the whitest sonofabitch alive. He's like...created in a lab white. I bet he owns 40 scarves and cuts the crust off of all his sandwiches. Did you know that Kyle Singler has never once, in his entire life eaten a piece of fried chicken?? I KNOW! I nearly shit woodchips when I heard. Apparently the heat from the chicken will make his skin blister! Incredible!! Ice: I bet Singler gets stabbed within the first week of being in Detroit. Now. Let's talk head coach. I really like who you're considering. The only guys with real head coaching experience are both under the .500 mark. Shooting for the stars I see... JD: Well, I figured if Kuester didn't work out why not try another guy who was an assistant on the Larry Brown coaching tree? What better way to seal up job security than by hiring another shit sandwich of a coach? I figure eventually I'll get it right. It's not like they're gonna fire me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *snorts a pixie stick* Ice: Yeah...I think this interview is about over. JD: Hold on...I'm gonna go change into my Bad Boy nut hugger jerserry shorts. Ice: *whispers to the camera man* He sounds drunk. JD: If I don't wear a jock the bottoms of my ssscrotum leaks out. I'll be right back. Ice: Yep. He's shit ass hammered. *waits for Joe Dumars to wildly sprint up the stairs.* Ummmm, how about we get the fuck out of here? Yeah...good plan. Thanks for the interview Joe. Best of luck keeping your job this year. Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions or topic requests to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Grab Assing the Grab Bag.

2011-06-27T09:37:00.000-04:00

"I think I can see my dignity from here....nope. That's a homeless man's hairy butthole."

So here's what I decided. Instead of having a weekly Fun Bag(s), I'm going to wait until I get enough emails and just fire one out every so often. It seems as if the honeymoon period of Fun Bag(s) Friday is over and people are starting to get bored of it. Maybe if the hundreds of people who have promised me emails would get off their lazy asses and send me something we could make this happen. And maybe Ron Artest can learn to operate as a normal human from this planet. And don't give me this "but I don't want to send you a stupid question" bullshit. Christ...look at G$! Has he sent an intelligent question yet? Fuck no he hasn't and he emails me every week. I don't give a shit if you ask me what my farts taste like...just send something. Chances are I'm going to make fun of you either way. Because that's what I do. Even Andrew still emails me and I've ripped on his home country Canada without mercy in the past. It's why I like him and hate all of the rest of you shitbags. Now...some random shit.

-I fuckin hate baseball. But I love misery. This is the only reason I even remotely stay alert with what's happening in the baseball world. Also, it's either baseball, golf or tennis at this point and I would rather let someone fuck my dickhole than watch tennis or golf. Indians fans are the most hilarious creatures on the planet. I swear to God I'm going to put my unborn children through college off the horrific wagers Indians fans insist on making with me. I don't know fuck-all about baseball. I'll freely and proudly admit that. But even in my limited knowledge, I'm smart enough to know that a (insert any number here) game lead 2 months into the season means jack fuckin shit. It slays me that rabid Indians fans never seem to fully grasp that concept. That's when I swoop in and pillage. It's like a hardcore looting session during an apocalyptic event minus the mass rape. So a special thank you to all you Indians fans out there for being self blinded from the truth. My wallet appreciates it. But don't worry. Rest assured by the All-Star break none of you will care about baseball anyway when the Indians are ten games out of first.

-Apparently Terrell Owens tore an ACL sometime in the last week most likely while doing something incredibly dumb. Good. Fuck that guy. I hope he's done or spends the next 5 years rotting away in some professional league no one gives a fuck about. I don't give a shit how great he was on the field. Football is better without him. Now he can go concentrate on his budding reality star career that will surely put him in the same conversation with the Kardashian sisters. That's great company if you want to be lumped in with a bunch of semi-retarded, thunder thighed, cock thirsty, diseased ridden parasites who would probably bleed from the eye sockets if you gave them a math problem a 3rd grader could solve in twelve seconds. Go ask your frog faced dad for more money you fucking ingrates...that is unless he's spent it all in his never ending quest to appear completely constructed out of plastic. On second thought, this is a perfect second career for TO. He was born to beg for attention while whoring himself out to brain dead wastoids soaking up every last ounce of stupidity he has to offer. Maybe you can drag Chad Ochofuckface in there with you so we aren't forced to listen to him blab about how he's the greatest WR to ever live. Morons.

-The NBA draft was quite the interesting event. I don't care what anyone says...this draft had horrible talent in it this year. Keep trying to convince yourself otherwise to sleep better at night, but the rest of America knows the truth. When Jimmer is a lottery pick, you know times are desperate. Piggy backing off dumbass Indians fans, I've really enjoyed listening to Cavs fans attempting to talk themselves into the Kyrie Irving/Tristan Thompson era. You gotta love wasting the 4th overall pick on a guy who's ceiling is a lazy version of Tyrus Thomas. Thompson might be 60 pounds overweight and unable to locate his own dick by the time the NBA lockout ends. Keeping my fingers crossed for that one. Irving may turn out to be a stud, but he also may turn out to suck dick for drugs on street corners in five years like the rest of the point guards Duke has put into the NBA. Regardless, it was a dumb draft by Cleveland when you A) didn't need a PG and B) could have drafted a PG in Brandon Knight (who many scouts said will be just as good if not better than Irving) with the 4th pick instead of using the 4th for a guy who shoots worse than Ben Wallace from the free throw line. Why not take Derrick Williams with the first pick, then if you're dead set on a PG take Knight at 4? Does that not make entirely more sense than what Cleveland did? This further strengthens my argument that I am smarter than Dan Gilbert.

That's all I got. Before I go, here's another idea that will surely get shot down and will not work. If you have a topic you would like me to write about, you can also send that to my email address as well. Since this is the worst time of year for sports, I'm up for just about anything to keep my mind occupied. There. You can go back to your Dukes of Hazzard marathon...or whatever it is you fuckers watch.

Send all emails to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Welcome Back, Asshole!

2011-06-16T21:17:00.000-04:00

"Just know your airline survival hinges on me and my molester porn stache."

In case you were wondering, oh faithful readers of My Brain Vs. the World...yes, Fun Bag(s) Friday is still going on. Just because I spent a week pureeing my sanity on a vacation with the fam doesn't mean I don't want to solve your personal life mysteries anymore. Keep sending those emails A-holes. Now that I've covered that...let's bring an old friend back. How about a buffet of Charlie Weis weekend Riblets?? Here's what I missed from the States and what you missed in London. -Riding six hours in a car and flying six hours on a plane are equally soul crushing. But when you do both, one right after another in a 24 hour period, suicide starts to become a reality. Now let's do something really fun and factor in lack of comfort. Six hours and five grown adults in a car that, according to the fire crotch fuckbag at Enterprise, seats six. Six what? Six milk jugs? I would buy that. Plenty of room for that. Six suitcases? A stretch...but still believable. If you were trying to sell us on six people then you'll for sure believe ME when I say I can fit six fists up your ass at the same time. Apparently Opie didn't consider the six hour jaunt to Ohio when my dad said, "Give me something that holds 5 people." -Here's the answer to "Why were you in a car for six hours?". It seems that any connecting flight to Columbus gets cancelled. At least when I have a ticket for said flight, it does. Currently I'm shooting a blistering 100% when it comes to connecting flights to Columbus being cancelled. The first time coming home from London (March) it was because of a snow storm. That's right...a fucking snow storm in late March. This time around? No one knows. It's a fucking unsolved mystery. Giving a nun a porn facial would have been easier than getting any cancelled flight information from this bitchy iron vault who gets paid to hate her life. -So Pryor is done at OSU. This is my shocked face. On a positive note, I finally heard something out of Cowturd's shit mouth that actually made sense. Pryor is the only player that I can think of that successfully got two coaches fired. Rich Rodriguez...for not coming to Michigan and beating the fuck out of them every time they played. And Jim Tressel...for being a fuckin idiot. Now Pryor has hired Drew Rosenhaus as his agent. Isn't that just fuckin poetic? Honestly...can you think of another sleeze fuck skid mark that would fit more perfectly than Rosenhaus? Rosenhaus' press conference was Goddamn hysterical to boot. Trying to convince the masses that Pryor was worthy of a first round pick is like me convincing you that sticking your tongue through the dickhole of my dirty boxers will give you the Herculean strength to shot put a Volkswagen ninety feet. Pryor won't see a down as a starter in the NFL. Even if the three QBS in front of him on the depth chart die, the organization will do something drastic...like sign and start Brady Quinn if it means keeping Pryor off the field. -Aaaaaaannnnnnd...order is restored in the life of every Cavs fan as the Mavericks knock off the most hated team in the world. I know it happened on Sunday, but this is my blog and I'll write about the fuckin '88 World Series if I want. The worst part about this is now I have to take my buddy Wilson out in Bowling Green on my dime. Fuck you, assface. Good think Wilson drinks like a bitch. Two wine spritzers oughta do it. I will say that I'm glad that Rick "Jim Carrey" Carlisle won a title as a coach. He was given a raw deal in Detroit and he's one of the best coaches in the game. I was also pulling for Dirk...even if he is a flopping Kraut. But for all of you pulling for the Mavs in this series, I hope you can sleep well at night knowing that you cheered for Deshawn Stevenson to win a championship ring. A ring he will later sell for hookers and blow...and thirty more neck tats. I love how that hypocritical shit eater ripped Lebron and Wade for being classless, yet merely days after the Mavs win the Finals Stevenson can be seen wearing a t-shirt that reads "Hey Lebron, tell me how my Dirk tastes." Way to be the model of class, Deshawn. That's like Tera Patrick calling someone a whore...while she's taking a creamy load to the face. That's about all the shit talking I have in me tonight. My body is still recovering from the 5 hour London time fuck that jammed so hard in my ass my pelvis cracked. Maybe next week I'll have some questions to answer so you guys don't have to listen to me drone on about shit that happened four days ago. We can only hope. Happy Friday fucksticks. Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Greetings Wankers.

2011-06-06T17:57:00.000-04:00

Eat shit bastards. I bet you thought you wouldn't hear from me while in London. Who's the dicksmack now? That's you. Since I have been given a temporary reprieve from foot slumming around New York on steroids I figured I would drop in with a brief recap. Here goes: Rule number one. If you insist on traveling via airways with your infant children, bring some fucking thing to knock them out. Especially if it's a 7 hour flight. For all you parents out there, I understand your kids are important and I also understand that you have the right to take them on vacation with you. But please keep in mind that I also have the right to fly without listening to your fucking brat ass spawn of Lucifer scream for 7 hours straight like someone is attempting to peel the skin off their body. You may be able to ignore it but guess what? I fucking can't and this isn't your Goddamn house. This is a public area and you should respect everyone who is forced to share it with the screeching velociraptor you brought with you. Bums are way more crafty here. For example...today one slimed his way onto the tube (England's subway system) and started asking for change once the doors closed...everyone was trapped. Very tactical and deliberate. It's almost as if they went to a bum institute of technology and studied the science of bumming. They're way more mobile and loads more persistent...almost to the point where you want to pay him off just to get him the fuck away from you. But you can't since doing that would be like blowing an airhorn in a hospital nursery. It would be chaos. Every bum in a 12 block radius would know your description almost as if there were a police scetch made and distributed. London has the worst beds. Period. Every mattress I've laid on feels like it's filled with bags of garbage. They best way to describe the consistency would be if you took a thousand slinkys, set them upright in the shape of a mattress, then covered the surface area with a layer of the thinnest paper towels you can find. The second night I stayed here it felt like I had fractured a rib in my sleep. I have sacrificed sleeping on top of my blankets and subsequently freezing my balls off for the added padding and hope for additional comfort. It seems to be working since this morning it felt like I was getting punched in the back all night instead of taking an Easton to the abdomen. So far, a car has swerved INTO a mud puddle to douche me while walking by Westminster Abbey, I've been called a cunt when I was unable to tell a woman what the last stop on the tube we were currently on was, I've watched a crazy women with a bag of bread get mauled by five hundred pigeons while calling them her babies (I have pictures) and have come to the conclusion that if you want to publicly molest your significant other as if you both are in a private room on a romantic getaway...you must be sitting next to me on the tube. Seriously...I've been dangerously close to having what can be considered in most countries a threesome more times than I would like to count. I hope you can't get an STD from someone else's PDA. And it's only Monday...fuck me. Don't miss me too much wieners. I'll be back on Sunday hopefully with more stories. Cheerio shitheads!

Fun Bag(s) THURSDAY!!!!

2011-06-01T22:27:00.000-04:00

"You're gonna cause a lot of divorces, Buttertits."

So the last two weeks have been pretty hectic. I really wish I had more time to write but my social life will always be more important than all of you assholes...unless I get paid for this shit. But let's be honest. I have a better chance of hurling my body off a 50 story building and using my nut skin to parachute safely to the ground. Anyway, I returned (rape free) from my camping adventure this past Monday. I just finally recovered late yesterday which leaves me about a day to prepare for my flight to London...fucking tomorrow. I know, I know. I'm bitching about going to London. Which is a lot like bitching about having 2 dicks big enough to carry wallets. But that's a lot of fuckin traveling, man! So fuck yourself. Anyway...

The camping trip was a full success. But let me tell you...three straight days of nothing but sun and booze is enough to scramble your life. I woke up Sunday actually hoping a complete stranger was hovering over me ready to plunge a knife into my decaying body. I was willing to accept death in order to get out of another full day of hard boozing so violent John Daly's boner would explode. But like a true champion, I was able to push through the pain and perform at peak level...even though I paid the price of a 2 day hangover. Let's field some questions.

I'm a big fan of Friday Night Lights. Any show that romanticizes high school football is fine by me. I've often wondered how badass it would have been to play football in Texas. I mean, you're treated like Gods and pussy comes to you in droves. It's a sweet gig. But then I remember how much two-a-days sucked balls in Ohio and assume that they would be twice as worse if not more in Texas. And if you were any good in the midwest, you would probably be the worst player on the team down there which means daily scout team beat downs and rarely seeing the field. But since you wear a jersey on Friday nights, the panties still drop. So my question, would it be worth it? Sure, your teenage pecker would be ecstatic but the rest of your body would hate you forever.

-G$

The reason for the font change is because I want this to read like a ransom note...one that ends with everyone dead and me naked covered in blood. Fucking Mac Books blow. Anyway. This one's easy. It's no secret the cock is the control panel of any man. Our schlongs have led just about every man into a horrible situation that could have been completed avoided if pussy would have been eliminated from the equation.

I still dry heave and shout vulgarities like a Tourettes patient whenever I smell freshly cut grass. It's because that is the one smell that reminds me of two-a-days in the Ohio August heat. Anyone that tells you they "loved two-a-days" or that "it wasn't that bad" is a fucking God damn liar and I want their address so I can show up and beat the fuck out of them. I often thought about having a friend hit me with their car. I considered spraining my own ankle by slamming it in the crease of the front door just so I could injure myself enough to be able to skip "hell" but not so bad where I had to sit out the season. I'm dead serious. It was the worst part of my youth. Period.

Having said that...two-a-days in Texas would totally be worth it. Only because of what you said. ANY football player in Texas, as long as they have that jersey, is roping in Gerard Butler quality poose. Shit, the team trainer probably scored vag better looking than any Napoleon skank. Plus I've seen the girls that grow up in Texas. The quality of female talent there is unmatched. Your body may never forgive you, but at least your ween will always be able to calm the rest of you down by constant reminders of what the reward was.

Iceman,

Hope you enjoyed your trip.

See above.

So, which has become less relevant, boxing or horse racing? I can remember when I was a kid that the derby races or any major bout was huge news. Now, it seems with the multitude of options available to watch, neither of these seem to matter any more, nor are deemed nearly as “important” to watch.

Second, what other former high profile sports do you see ending up like this?

Cheers,

Andrew

First, I've never like either...nor have I ever understood the appeal of either. Second, in my all knowing opinion, here's why it seems like no one cares. Because they don't. Why don't they care? Because neither is a popular venue for betting anymore, which is a huge part of our sport culture today. People like to bet money on things they know about or feel that they have better control over. Horse Racing and Boxing don't offer that anymore. The days of your degenerate dad going to the track in a three piece suit and blowing the nest egg on a "hunch" are over. Not to mention the beauty of fixing races is now Luca Brasi. Dead and rotting at the bottom of a river. The appeal of guessing winners isn't the same as knowing the winners. Same with Boxing. No one has the nads to fix a boxing match anymore. Getting beaten within an inch of your life by the mob apparently sounds better than doing 20 years and getting your butthole smushed in by some dude covered in prison tats. Plus, there's no sure thing fighter anymore...maybe other than Pacquiao. But the talent is such shit these days Manny gets terrible odds and no one has the scrote to bet big money on the underdog...who will need to re-learn the alphabet by round 3.

People may think I'm wrong about this, but I see baseball taking a huge hit in the next 20 years. Maybe not as severe as the snooze fest sports you mentioned above, Andrew. But I think by the time we are in our 40s, 50s and 60s people will like hockey more than baseball. Football, basketball then hockey. Why? Because baseball is fucking boring and those 3 sports above house the most action. Even though I hate hockey, there is a ton of constant action happening. If baseball were played like Baseball Simulator 1.000 for Nintendo...then I would watch. I want to see an exploder ball tease the sack hair of Alex Rodriguez. Who wouldn't?? We are a nation of action lovers and eventually the boring sports will be watched by no one. Or douchebags.

Cheerio Fuckfaces. Tomorrow I will be on a plane to London hopefully squeezed in between a fat guy dusted in Cheetos crumbs and a 75 year old bitch who smells like a litter box. For seven hours. Slowly losing my sanity. I'll do my best to come back with stories about how the family almost tore each other apart limb from limb. Happy Thursday fuck sticks.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bags Postponed...

2011-05-26T23:00:00.001-04:00

This guy wants to party with you...then tap your anus after he drugs you.

Sorry kiddies. I have no choice but to postpone Fun Bag(s) Friday for this week. I will be leaving on my annual camping trip located in luxurious Wyandot Woods tomorrow afternoon and have been spending the entire day packing...well, working and packing. Fear not! I was sure to remember my Acme butt plug so I could effectively prevent almost certain rape while deep in uncharted southern Ohio woodland.

You see, southern Ohio isn't as sophisticated as us northern Ohioans are. Only half of southern Ohio has electricity. I guess incest is easier to stomach in the dark. This camping site is literally in the middle of nowhere and a perfect spot to start a career as a murdering lunatic. But more importantly, there's booze, a lake, canoes and fires. Let's hope I'm blacked out before some toothless (probably Steeler fan) hillbilly jacked on moonshine violates my turd cutter then proceeds to mutilate (probably for the best after the anal invasion) my shamed body so he can convert my skin into a brand new bath robe.

Furthermore, since I will be leaving for London (again) next Friday, I have no choice but to issue a one time only Fun Bag(s) Thursday. I don't feel that bad since I only have one question to answer so far (thanks G$. You are the pillar of consistency). I'm sure I'll have some choice stories to share when I come back (hopefully unraped) from Wyandot Woods. Last year I woke up Monday morning covered in toilet paper and all 10 toenails painted pink. I was told I agreed to the nails...not the TP. I still question the validity of that statement. Happy Friday fucksticks.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions (so I can ignore them) to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 18

2011-05-19T17:05:00.000-04:00

"Yep. Definitely would have come in handy."

Last Friday I promised to tell this story. But since Blogger decided to cock block my Fun Bag(s) by being out of service (get fucked), I had no choice but to save it. For today. Don't judge me...or do. What the fuck do I care? I KNOW you all would have done the same.

This morning (last Friday) I went on a run before work. That's right...a run. It seems winter has gotten the best of me and my man tits as I discovered one fateful day I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Enter fatty's morning 3 mile run before work...because running after work is about as fun as stepping in dog shit. Just so I cannot be linked back to this I will leave the specifics vague enough in case the "victim" happens to read my post. Not likely...but you have to cover your ass. Pun intended. About a mile into my run...in the middle of nowhere...a familiar cramp in my gut stopped me dead in my tracks and a wave of panic sailed through my body. I had to diarrhea. I had to diarrhea immediately.

Now if you've never been caught literally miles from a bathroom with an internal shit clock that's about to hit zero, let me be the first to tell you that it's a feeling I wish upon no man. I knew time was not a luxury and had to make a choice. Shit or be shitted on. I snapped out of my trance, removed my left sock, hopped a fence and set up a crude bathroom with my back pressed against an oak tree that blocked any view from the person's yard I happened to be violating.

Seconds after dropping trou a biker sped by me in all of my nudist glory. I didn't care. The birthing process had already commenced. I had hit the point of no return. The sound. The smell. It was horrific. But I was on a mission...I refused to be the man getting caught shitting in public. It was the best thunder shit of my storied career. It was almost as if my turds had rockets doing most of the work. One quick wipe with my left sock and I was gone. A poop phantom. It was like it never happened. I didn't even care that I only cleaned about 75% of my hole. I went into the situation knowing the undies could not be saved. In every great war story there is always a casualty. RIP underwear. Your sacrifice will live on in spirit. Here are some Fun Bag(s) for you while you digest that nugget.

Iceman,

We got into a text message convo the other night and you stated that aging veterans or mid contract players would take less $ to go play with the Heat to win a ring. I disagreed and stated that nobody wants to take less $ to go and bet boo'ed and play in an arena that can't even sell out their playoff games, especially when there are other teams with talent to go to. I also stated that with a VERY few exceptions, players generally do not take less $ to go and get a ring and with the few that have it resulted in no ring. Other than Ron Artest, can you please give me instances to support your argument? And No, Lamar Odom does not count!!! (he re-signed)

-Joe

Alright...so after deep investigation (let's be honest, I researched this for about an hour then gave up) I couldn't come up with any good examples other than Bruce Bowen. Who wasn't really a sought after free agent. But then I thought about this. What's going on in Miami right now is a unique situation in it's own right. Never before have 3 stars done what Wade, Lebron and Bosh have done. And before you start shit talking Bosh, he's in the top 25 best players in the league right now. If you don't think he is then stop reading...seriously. Stop, because dipshits don't deserve to read my stuff. Hate the Heat if you want but Bosh is an all-star and a great player. Period. Denying that is just being stupid and 4th grade.

Having said that, if this situation has never happened before (those are everyone else's words, not mine) then who's to say that my theory of free agents swarming to Miami for rings can't be unique as well? You have three all-stars on one team and they are all in their prime. I can't think of another team in the history of basketball where that's happened. Not only that, you have two of the top five players in the entire league on the same team...both in their prime. When has that ever happened? Why would free agents NOT want to play in Miami? After this season Bibby, Dampier, House, Howard, Ilgauskas, Jones and Magloire are all free agents. There isn't a ton of money being cleared up there, but enough to make some noise. The fact is that there are a bunch of guys working for Miami a lot smarter than you and I that have this whole thing figured out. I'm sure of it.

Addressing the whole "boo" thing. Do you honestly think the players are having conversations with themselves like this:

"Well...I can stay where I'm at and most likely never win a title. Or, I can go to Miami, get the same amount of money...possibly a little less and play alongside of two of the best players in the league with a better shot at a title. Hmmm....but booing hurts my feelings and I don't play well under that kinda pressure. I'll stay where I'm at."

I highly doubt players give a shit about the boos. Regardless of what team you play for, you're gonna get boo'ed when you play on the road. And don't give me the bullshit of "but Miami gets it worse" because a boo is a fucking boo. Not to mention these guys are adults. If they really get affected by the boos that much maybe they should retire and go be fuckin garbage men or something. No one ever boo'ed the garbage man.

Captain Cockknocker,

Maybe you could not lose my email this time, jerkoff. Anyway, I just saw this name on TV: Detective Dick Nuttall. Your mission if you choose to accept it: Rank this name on the best inappropriate real life names and also, list some of your own.

-Justin

Geez...lose one email and there's mutiny. I had a good excuse for it but I forget what it is. Hey, at least I published your shitty question. And I'm pretty sure I got it right for the most part. Christ...I feel like I forgot our anniversary or something. Buy yourself some chocolate with a message from me and get over it. Now...with the name thing.

Dick Nuttall is outstanding and I put it in the top 10. It's even better that he's a detective. It's almost like any other profession would have been a disappointment in his parents eyes...

"We set you up with a fucking phenomenal name like Dick Nuttall and you become a fucking Botanist?? You should probably find somewhere else to celebrate Thanksgiving from now on."

This reminds me of a guy in Toledo. His name is Richard Tapper. You saw that right...Dick Tapper. Care to take a stab at what he does for a living? Urologist. Fucking jackpot. How perfect is that? It was like he was destined to look into the pee holes of grown men.

Another name I stumbled upon in Michigan is Michael Schwanger...chiropractor. It's not as colorful or in your face as Dick Tapper but I can for sure see myself using Schwanger as a nickname for my weenus. Like so:

Some dude: "Get any action last night?"

Me: "Some. She hummed on my schwanger for a bit so I can't be mad about that."

Some honorable mentions:

Charlie Furbush - Pitcher

Phil Pfister - World's strongest man...and lover of loose women.

Peter Stalker - Step dad of a girl I work with. Seriously.

No catchy closer. No insightful nuggets. I'm fuckin tired. These questions wore me out...like LT wears out a 16 year old hooker's pussy. Happy Friday fucksticks.

A Letter to Cavs Fans

2011-05-16T21:30:00.000-04:00

Pathetic.

Dear Crybabies,

Good fuckin God are you ever going to get over Lebron James? Boo fucking hoo. So he didn't want to decompose in Cleveland and wind up in the same category as Charles Barkley, Karl Malone and every other superstar who failed to win a title. You act like this is the first time in the history of sports a transcendent athlete has fucked over the team that drafted him. Am I saying that you should cheer for him and embrace the fact that he chose another team over the sink hole he was rotting in? No. But openly rooting against him at every turn and wishing plague-like scenarios to thrash the entire city of Miami is so fucking grade school. Grow the fuck up and just accept the fact that he didn't want to be there.

Here's the part where everyone starts blubbering about "how" he did it and "the decision" and that's why you're so pissed. Fuck that. I blame the fan base for not being able to call this like the rest of America did. The fact is that Lebron has always been a fuck face. He's always been the selfish, rude, arrogant prick that held a one hour TV special to publicly butt fuck Cleveland. It's just that all of you were too busy waxing his taint and tonguing his ballsack to believe he could ever fuck you over like that. If you had even a microscopic shred of ability to see things objectively for even a second you would have realized that how he left was the only way it could have happened. His ego has ALWAYS driven every decision he's ever made in his life. Why should his announcement to leave Cleveland be any different? That was your moment of clarity. When you finally realized what the rest of the NBA fan base already knew. Lebron is a piece of shit. It's your fault for not being able to see it sooner.

Now back to Miami. Why? Why hate Miami? Because they stacked their roster to win rings? Because Lebron, Wade and Bosh had "secret meetings" and planned it out? Even if that is true are you really so naive to think that's the first time superstars have ever tried to make a pact to play together? Plus he gave you seven fucking years of his career and made people care about basketball in Cleveland again. He waited seven years for Dan Gilbert to get off his fat, white ass and do something better than Antawn Jamison and 50 year old Shaq. Why would anyone want to play for a cheap ass owner who refuses to splurge on decent talent? You wouldn't waste your prime if you had that talent so how can you crucify him for making the same choice?

A better question is...Where were all of the tantrums when LA stockpiled talent with Kobe and Shaq...or Kobe, Gasol and Artest? What about Boston? As long as Boston loading up to win rings doesn't involve poaching Lebron James you're okay with it? Did I get that right? We didn't hear a peep out of any of you when that shit went down. Because it didn't involve you losing anything. And let's not forget all of the inadequate attempts the Cavs made to plunder other teams for a second fiddle superstar for Lebron to shine next to. To keep him in Cleveland. To win rings. It's okay if the Cavs try and lift Kevin Garnett, Amare Stoudemire, Jason Kidd or Vince Carter. Right? Every last one of you fuckers were boned up to the nines when that news broke. You couldn't stop talking about how many rings you douchers were about to win. But the minute Miami and Dwyane Wade make a push for Lebron an act of treason has been committed. Such fucking hypocrites. Cleveland was attempting the same thing Miami did...except couldn't pull it off. And now you're bitter because Gilbert failed. Who should you really be hating right now?

I already know this won't make a dent and Cavs fans will come in droves to tell me how Lebron leaving Cleveland is "so much different" than any other superstar leaving any other team. I understand this will piss you off. But I don't give a fuck. Because everyone is sick of hearing you fucking whine about it every time Lebron's name is mentioned anywhere. Fucking get over it and move on with your life already. When his name comes up, just say you don't care what he does because he isn't on your team anymore. Try taking the high road for once and saying something classy instead of "I hope that puss filled pile of maggot shit gets his dick caught in a Vietnamese hooker's pussy that's lined with razor blades while getting fucked in the ass by a cock the size of a Pringles can." Or something similar to that. For the sake of everyone's sanity...just let it go.

Sincerely,

Every non Cleveland fan

To respond to this hate letter or to submit a question to Fun Bag(s) Friday, email me at jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 17

2011-05-05T15:03:00.000-04:00

"This is how you tailgate, pussy."

God I fuckin hate Politics. I used to pretend to care about issues and elections and other politicky bullshit. I have exonerated that from my life completely. Why? Two reasons. First, no matter what argument you present to the opposing party, you aren't budging their views. Ever. You would have better luck farting powdered cheese dust. They won't even respect your opinion either. You're just "stupid" and "wrong" because you don't stroke their political ego.

Second, because I don't enjoy getting blamed for the world's problems based on who I voted for. I can't tell you how many times I've heard something like this...

*let me preface by saying that I'm not telling you who I voted for...this is simply an example. Because it's none of your fucking business who I voted for.*

"Hey man....Who did you vote for?"

"Obama."

"Wow. Thanks for that, asshole. Maybe next ballot you can vote to legalize genocide."

"But I...."

"No, No, No...it's cool. I just know who to point to the next time my kids ask me why I had to fist fight a homeless guy for the last of the dumpster chicken so we could eat once this week. I hope you feel good about yourself."

No thanks.

Now this Bin Laden shit. People are fuckin whining about who gets the credit for the kill...Republicans or Democrats. Who the fuck cares? The guy's dead. How about this? Both parties. Both get credit because if not for the efforts on both sides this son of a bitch is still alive. Now shut the fuck up already and be grateful. Now on with the Bags....of Fun........ness.

Blah, blah, blah, something about why do Americans care about the Royal Wedding and shit. I may have accidentally deleted the email and could be paraphrasing right now but I'm pretty sure of myself that this was the gist. He may also have mentioned something about rubbing vinegar on Robert Pattinson's nipples and slurping on them like a soaked Henry County Fair french fry.

-Justin

You have struck a nerve with me, my friend. Let me begin by saying that it's because of nauseating shit like this that Americans get mocked by other countries and never get taken seriously. It's fucking pathetic how deeply we care about stupid shit like this. Let me explain...

Now, it's not so much that it bothers me that people watched it, because we have insanely retarded shows like Jackass, Jersey Shore, The Real Housewives of Orange County, etc. here in the states that people flock to in droves. I'm used to people liking dumb shit. I won't judge US citizens who are interested in this wedding because I invest more time than I should into stuff that others find dumb and silly...like Fantasy Football, Zombies, and finding the perfect t-shirt.

What drives me crazy is the part where people actually woke up at 4am to watch a wedding of 2 non-American complete strangers. If any of my brothers got married at 4am I'm 100% sure I wouldn't be there. In my place would be a 6' tall poster of my ballsack or middle finger...or my ballsack molded into a middle finger. Something derogatory for sure that would show the world my complete disgust for what is happening. And I would take a bullet for my brothers. I fucking draw the line at 4am wedding ceremonies.

Now. Let's forget for a second that these women (let's not kid ourselves here...no self respecting man would ever do that) are sacrificing something sacred (sleep) to watch two people they've never met, nor ever will meet get married. Have you never heard of fucking TIVO? That shit was invented precisely for situations such as these! Now I'm usually not hip to new technology shit (ask Brady about my stance on HDTV) but I fucking embrace TIVO, dude.

So why, Justin? Why did women wake up at 4am to purposely torture themselves? Because America carelessly drives into the skulls of girls at a young age that notion that being a Princess is awesome. That's all there is to it. If we would just explain to our daughters with equal trepidation how gratifying it is to finish first in Fantasy Football instead of being a Princess (which I'm totally doing by the way) then we wouldn't have to worry about shit like this happening ever again. I'm gonna be the best dad.

I can't really tell if Ron Swanson is a sports fan. I know that he's an outdoorsman but he's never really shown any passion for the Colts like Andy has. But I do know that he loves him some Bob Knight. So if you could go back to Knight's IU days in your time machine and tailgate with Ron before a big game against Purdue, what is Swanson preparing? What is Ron's gameday spread comprised of? This is the best question in Fun Bag(s) history.

-GMoney

First, you know that Swanson is showing up to this game in an Isaiah Thomas IU jersey with a headband and jean shorts. I don't care if it's 12 degrees outside. It's happening. I also see a cooler full of PBR and a perfectly sculpted handlebar moustache. And he's definitely friends with Steve McQueen...who might show up later. As far as the food goes? Here is a list I compiled. Did I use Ron Swanson's Pyramid of Greatness as a reference guide? You're God damn right I did.

Appetizers

-Bacon wrapped hotdog chunks

-Chicken Wings. Hot. None of that pussy "mild" sauce.

-Potato Skins. Potato, cheese, bacon and bacon.

Main dishes

-Venison Chili with polish sausage and bacon.

-Cheeseburgers. On a bun. Served with nothing. There's ketchup if you like...but he couldn't care less.

-BBQ spare ribs. Eat like a caveman.

-The Swanson (Barbecued Turkey leg wrapped in bacon)

It seems like the week off really inspired people to email questions. Two might be a new fucking record. Whatever. Less work for me I guess. Until next week...happy Friday fucksticks.

Email all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

2011 NFL Draft Live Blog.

2011-04-28T19:18:00.000-04:00

"Hey bitch...you holdin any rocks?"

Welcome to the second annual live blog of the NFL draft. A bowl of "fuck you flakes" to any of you who doubted me. The draft hasn't even started yet and we've already had our first awkward Goodell moment. Drunk fans started chanting "We want football" as Rog attempted to explain the specifics of why there isn't football to a hoard of drunk simple minded toads. Let's dive in with my co-pilot, Douchelord Brady, as Carolina gears up to set their franchise back another 5 years...

7:56 - Interview with Cam Newton and his dad Cecil...Brady wonders aloud if God bought Cecil's $4,000 suit. Or is that suit in the budget when you have a preacher's salary?

8:00 - First of many Mel Kiper bird faces after making a smug point. Chris Berman is incredibly annoying. I'm ashamed I'm just now realizing this after 31 years.

8:02 - Fans boo Goodell...the commissioner pisses his pants then makes super awkward joke.

8:01 - Uh-Oh...Cam Newton on the phone. Carolina fans are preparing the noose. There's a shot of Newton high fiving his posse. Well...look on the bright side. In five years you'll have the right tackle you've always needed. The Carolina fans show their support with a shower of boos. Something tells me this won't be the last time the fans let him have it. Enjoy another 2-14 season. Lock.

8:09 - This just in...Cam Newton is blessed. Whoever had the OVER on Cam saying "blessed" in interviews come collect your money. Chris Berman just punched every Cleveland fan in the balls by bringing up Tim Couch.

8:13 - Denver picks Von Miller at 2....and we have our first cry baby bitch. Von is crippled with paralysis due to his overwhelmed joy and continues to sob in his chair. Meanwhile no one told Denver Miller played in a 3-4 in college. Oops. Miller finally makes it up onto the stage wearing Urkel glasses and gives Rog an uncomfortably long hug. THAT'S NOT A BONER! IT'S THE PLEATS!!!

8:20 - Bills take Marcell Dareus with the 3. At least he's already used to the cold weather. What?? Oh...Alabama is a warm climate. My bad. Way to keep the hug quick and dry, Marcell. Brady just called him Bubba Gump Dareus...then spent the next 3 minutes rattling off different ways to cook shrimp all while talking like a retarded hillbilly. I have the classiest friends.

8:24 - Bengals pick A.J. Green at 4 and we can actually hear Carson Palmer cursing from California. "Fuck! Now I HAVE to come back!" I'm not sure how Green's football skills compare to the circus but Gruden seems to think they do. Brady just spent the last 5 minutes attempting to talk himself into now hating A.J. Green. I love being a Browns fan.

8:28 - That McDonald's dollar menu commercial with the annoying bitch with the pet names was just on and I have to say the guy handled it all wrong. The correct move CLEARLY is grabbing that miserable whore by the back of her head and smashing her face into the table until she passes out or bleeds from the eye sockets.

8:30 - Arizona crushes my spirit and takes Patrick Peterson at 5. I guess they reeeeaaaaally like the two QBs on their roster that no one can name. What a dumb pick. Arizona is obviously tanking the season for Andrew Luck next year. Or they love losing. There's a woman next to Peterson who has hair that looks like it's made out of tootsie rolls. The highlight of the draft so far...tootsie roll wig lady.

8:34 - The Browns trade with the Falcons so Atlanta can snag Julio Jones at 6. Or Jewleo Jones as fucktwat Norm Wamer likes to call him. Jones paired with Roddy White and Matt Ryan is just a filthy combo. In return the Browns get 1st, 2nd and 4th in this year's draft and 1st and 4th in next year's draft. Holy fuckin balls. Atlanta just traded four players for a guy who has been known to drop passes and bears a striking resemblance to Lawrence Maroney. Good move, dumbass.

8:42 - 49ers take Aldon Smith with the 7. Blaine Gabbert celebrates with his team mate by giving him a hand job under the table. One of the knocks on Smith states that he's "just a puppy". How ferocious, yet adorable.

8:45 - Titans pick....Jake Locker?! I thought for sure Tennessee would want to continue the streak of picking over hyped lazy defensive tackles and snag Nick Fairly at 8. Instead the Titans pick the white Vince Young and decide to invest millions into a guy who will be battling Troy Smith for a backup job in 4 years. Smooth. Secretly Gruden is having sexual intercourse with Locker and almost blew the cover with his gush session just now.

8:53 - At 9 the Cowboys take Tyron Smith. Tony Romo exults at the idea of not becoming a paraplegic next year. Jerry Jones calls his own pick "pussy" and wishes he could take it back to draft Mark Ingram...or Troy Aikman again. That was a sweet pick. Aikman...

9:00 - Washington trades down with Jacksonville who takes Blaine Gabbert at 10. Man, that sucks. I really wanted to see Gabbert crumble mentally and have his NFL career be over before it even starts by going undrafted in the first round. Brady is most impressed with Gabbert's golden locks. Garrard just realized he'll be traded within the next two years. He sulks by eating a gallon of Moosetracks.

9:07 - Brady asks if I would have sex with Suzy Kolber. I can't give an audible answer and can only make a "lemon face" while shaking my head back and forth. So, America? Would you bang SK?

9:08 - Texans take J.J. Watt with the 11th pick. Brady reminds me about how Watt ruined his college football this year as the TV shows him fucking up the Buckeyes o-line. I cherished every second of those clips. There's a chance I rubbed my nipples throughout.

9:17 - With the 12th pick the Vikings select Christian Ponder. Excuse me...ahem. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If you don't mind I'm gonna go ahead and ignore Gruden's impossible attempt at selling Ponder's upside to viewers. You would be better off with crack king Mallett here. Kiper just compared Ponder to Chad Pennington. I can't think of a bigger insult.

9:21 - The Lions take Nick Fairly with the 13th pick. As soon as Fairly heard his name called he untucked his shirt and gained 50 pounds. He would give an interview right now but he's in the middle of a nap that CANNOT be interrupted.

9:27 - At 14 the Rams take Robert Quinn. Sounds like a good pick. Gruden sure as fuck likes it. Wait a second...Quinn had a fuckin TUMOR IN HIS BRAIN IN HIGH SCHOOL???? Talk about rollin the dice. I wouldn't...I'm good on brain tumors.

9:35 I wish Miami could draft Ted Ginn, Jr. again this year. That was fuckin hysterical. Instead they do something smart and draft Mike Pouncey. I wonder if he's gonna French kiss some guy like his gay brother did last year.

9:44 - Washington takes Ryan Kerrigan with the 16th pick. A knock against Kerrigan is that he did most of his damage against lesser opponents. Gruden doesn't care that Kerrigan beats up on pussies and pads his stats that way. Gruden loves him...because Gruden loves everyone.

9:48 - With the 17th pick the Patriots take Nate Solder. Yawn. I literally know nothing about this guy. He's really white. And really tall. That's all you're getting from me.

9:55 - San Diego takes Corey Liuget with the 18th pick. The first clip they showed was Liuget fuckin mauling Tate Forcier. That was real cute. Any clip of a draft pick playing against Michigan from last year should be inadmissible.

10:03 - With the 19th pick the Giants take Prince Amukamara. Fuck. I was hoping he would slip to Cleveland. Real good value for the Giants here. I'm going to ignore the horrible joke Berman made about the Royal Wedding just now. Someone should take his penis away from him during this commercial break.

10:11 - Tampa Bay takes Adrian Clayborn at 20. Shefter, in between face strokes, just reported that he was born with a birth defect that makes one arm longer than the other and has problems with his shoulder. He also appears to have rabies based on the white foam I see collecting around the cracks of his mouth. Okay...those are scars apparently. Still gross.

10:17 - Chiefs just trade to the Browns. Hopefully they take a right tackle so we don't have to start John St. PashosClaire at right tackle anymore. At 21 Cleveland takes Phil Taylor. Hmmm. I'm unimpressed. But then again I was unimpressed with T.J. Ward last year until I started watching the bodies pile up. We'll see I guess.

10:26 - With the 22nd pick the Colts take Anthony Castonzo. Let the George Costanza jokes run wild. Now that Manning has some pocket protection maybe he can finally settle the fuck down in a 7 step drop back.

10:32 - Roger Goodell enjoys the temporary reprieve of boos as military members join him on stage. You can't boo the military. Why else do you think he pulled them out there? Trickeration at its best my friends.

10:34 - With the 23rd pick the Eagles take Danny Watkins. From British Columbia. Who happens to be 26 years old. You just got the offensive line version of Chris Weinke. A Canadian Chris Weinke. But he'll be the first on scene if a fire ever breaks out in your locker since everyone has reminded us 50 bajillion times that Watkins is also a fire fighter. Cue the 9/11 questions. Wonderful waste of a pick here.

10:42 - The Saints take Cameron Jordan with the 24th pick. Brady is still bitching about the Browns moving up to get a guy who was called "the first big stretch of the draft". Meanwhile I'm bitching that the Raiders don't have a first round draft pick to waste on Cobra Commander.

10:50 - At 25 the Seahawks take James Carpenter. Two Seattle fans clapped. That's two more than I anticipated. Great clip of Carpenter holding a pass rusher just now. Looks promising Seattle. It's a good thing they got this guy to block for the horrible running game Seattle has. Whew!

10:57 - Jimmy Smith has big time character issues. Drew Rosenhaus is his agent. What a fucking shock! Rosenhaus representing the scum of the earth? Never!

11:00 - Clock runs out on the Ravens and the Chiefs now pick Jon Baldwin at 26. They're comparing him to Mike Williams. That's the best you've got? Ehhhhhhhh......

11:06 - At 27 Baltimore takes Jimmy Smith. Jesus...what a fucking gift. A top 10 CB falling to one of the few teams where character issues can be squashed. A playoff team that already has a crushing defense gets the 2nd best corner in the draft at 27. I have to go hurt myself now.

11:12 - New Orleans trades up and takes Mark Ingram at 28. Goodbye Reggie Bush. Pack your bags for Seattle because I'm sure Pete Carrol is boned up at the thought of coaching your cheating ass again. Honorable mention to Ingram's facial hair. It almost looks fake...like spray on hair.

11:18 - Suzy Kolber: "Hey Mark, remember how your dad is in Federal prison?"

Mark Ingram: " Uhhh, yeah?"

SK: " Let me read this email from him about how proud he is of you so I can submarine you on national television and make you cry like a tied up chick in a snuff film in front of millions."

MI: "No thanks. I'll pass."

SK: "Too late."

MI: "Nooooooooooooo!" *sobs uncontrollably while sprinting off stage*

11:23 - Chicago takes Gabe Carimi at 29. This is who I wanted the Browns to take. Instead we took a guy that barely anyone has heard of. Hopefully Carimi hates Cutlerfucker as much as I do and tanks plays on purpose so we can watch Jay throw tantrums like a spoiled rich kid.

11:25 - At pick 30 the Jets take Muhammad Wilkerson. He played at Temple and looks nothing like John Chaney. And that's what I think of whenever I think of Temple. John Chaney. Because Temple's mascot is the owl and he looks exactly like an owl. But less wise...and fewer feathers. But probably eats just as many worms.

11:27 - The Steelers take Cameron Heyward with the 31st pick and he doesn't tongue kiss anyone with a camera right in his face. That's a relief...I can continue to hate him and wish horrible stuff upon him. Like waking up with a vagina growing out of his forehead. Meanwhile, Brady is looking for a bridge to toss his body off of. One of his favorite Buckeyes going to the mortal enemy. I hope you like moonshine Cameron because there is plenty of it where you're going.

11:37 - Finally, the last pick of the draft the Green Bay Packers pick Derek Sherrod. One Packer fan celebrates like they just drafted Aaron Rodgers again.

Well, that was fun. I hope all of your players suck ass and set your teams back 10 years. Enjoy the next 6 rounds and as alway... happy friday fucksticks.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Pre-Draft Thoughts...

2011-04-27T19:48:00.000-04:00

"Hi! I'm who your girlfriend is picturing when you're speed ramming her snatch with your tiny dick."

Ok. So I didn't live blog game 5 of Bulls vs. Pacers like I initially intended. And I didn't live blog any NBA playoff game this week like I initially intended either. There's a good reason for that. I've been battling the worst throat infection this side of the Prime Meridian. I don't even know where the fuck that is but it makes me sound super smart when I just toss it in there nonchalantly. Back to the throat. I guess I should stop sucking all those dicks! There. Beat you gaybates to the knee jerk cock suck joke so be more creative. Since I've been battling for my life, I haven't had the strength to write. But I refuse to let a virus beat me so here's something small before my live blog of the NFL draft tomorrow night.

Today Peyton Hillis won some contest that I had no clue about to be on the cover of a video game I won't play. Don't get me wrong, I like video games and doing stuff that requires the least amount of energy...like playing video games. I just didn't graduate in the top 5% of my class nor do I possess the education necessary to play video games of the new generation. Fuck you gamers...that shit is impossible. And you have no life. If fat nerds put as much effort into getting laid as they do in becoming a First Class Sargent Lieutenant General in Call of Duty 78 maybe they wouldn't have to dry hump the pile of dirty clothes on their bedroom floor anymore pretending that it's the Homecoming Queen. Nintendo 64 is where I draw the line.

Anyway...I'm not gonna play the new Madden game. Even if my boyfriend is on the cover. I'll probably just use it as beat off material. Just kidding...kind of. I am a little disturbed though that a city known for its curses is embracing Hillis on the cover of a game known for its curse. I'm equal parts disturbed that for the first time that I can remember, I will be forced to keep a player on my fantasy football team who is almost certain to be infested with the Madden curse. What happens when a cursed city has a player gracing the cover of a digital curse? The first player in NFL history to die on the field...that's what. And not just a normal death. It will be something impossible. Like, Hillis will score a TD...then out of nowhere a pack of mastodons will come rumbling out of the tunnel and trample his ass. And those bitches are extinct! But he won't be dead. He'll still be clinging to life. And just as the paramedics strap him to the gurney, Wile E. Coyote will drop an Acme anvil on his body crushing his skull. That's Cleveland and that's how it would happen.

Two things I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing about. One: The NFL lockout. Two: Jim Tressel. First on the lockout. There's going to be football. I'm certain of it. Do you know why? Because people love money and in this game of "money chicken" someone will back down at the last minute. The only way this lockout sticks is if both sides wake up tomorrow and despise the idea of being millionaires. Because do you know what millionaires can buy? Sex and drugs. Do you think Terrell Suggs gets laid if he isn't a football player? You're right...rape still exists. Add "consensual" into that sentence then answer. If you believe that then I have some Ryan Leaf rookie cards to sell you. Do you think the 70 year old owners enjoy blasting their wives wrinkly alligator vaginas with Pam so they can attempt to shove their johnsons inside quick enough before they lose their boners? No. They want to pop 6 Rock Hard Weekend pills and get busy with a 20 year old college drop out who left her dignity in her dorm room before she moved back in with mommy and daddy. So can we please give Adam Schefter's stroke face and John Clayton's robot body a rest and cover something else other than the lockout?

Second: Tressel. He's a lying ballsack and deserves to lose his job for making the university look like a bunch of fucks. But he won't lose his job. Why? Because that mutant faced Gordon Gee doesn't give a fuck how bad the university looks as long as Tressey is winning games. Fuck, why would they fire him? His lies won't keep the best recruits away. He makes/wins BCS bowl games. He beats Michigan every year. He wins the Big 10 title almost every year. So, he lied. So does everyone else and every university...including OSU...has shown in the past that football success trumps ethics. It always will as long as football represents a large chuck of university revenue. Well, except for BYU. But we don't count Mormons as real people anyway. I promise you, Jim Tressel is keeping his job so let's stop this non stop daily fucking coverage of what non experts with no inside sources "think" OSU is going to do.

That's it shit eaters. I opted against the mock draft this year since last year I was a complete disaster. I would much rather live blog the draft and make fun of how homosexual Blaine Gabbert looks...and how homosexual the name Blaine is. Fun Bag(s) Friday will be postponed until next Friday due to the NFL draft. Send any questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com.

Fun Bag(s) Good Friday Vol. 16

2011-04-21T22:09:00.001-04:00

"Flannel is still stylish motherfucks!"

Holy shit am I fuckin lazy. Zero posts since last Fun Bag(s)? Eh...whatever. I've been keeping a steady watch of Bulls vs. Pacers first round match up only because these two team seem to legitimately hate each other. And I like hate. Some things I've noticed.

Jeff Foster looks like an uncredited cast member representing the KKK from A Time To Kill. The only thing he's missing is dip spit stains on the Confederate flag I'm sure he has in his truck...and is there any doubt this guy drives a 1998 red S-10? He probably frequents truck stop bathrooms with glory holes. Tyler Hansbrough reminds me of that kid your parents always made you invite to your birthday parties. You know...the kid you would normally wedgie until his underwear ripped or asshole bled? I'd bet my my entire estate that this dopey skid mark still tucks his t-shirt into his jeans. Tom Thibodeau looks like the Penguin. I just want to throw dead fish at the TV when I see his disgusting face. Anyway...I could do this all day. Onward!

We have so many bullshit holidays here. Exactly why do we shut everything down when the calendar runs out anyway? That makes no sense. Now, I'm no religious zealot or anything, but shouldn't we get a day off for Easter? I mean for fuck's sake, if you believe the Bible, JESUS ROSE FROM THE GRAVE. How is that not recognized by the ones who determine days off? It's gay. Gay, I tells ya!

-GMoney

I'm with you on this one, buddy. Columbus sailed to a land that was already inhabited, slaughtered the natives, spread AIDS he contracted from fucking a donkey on the way over, looted the place, claimed it for his own and he gets a holiday where 90% of Americans get a paid day off. Jesus dies for 3 days, comes back to life and they stiff him by hiding his annual celebration on a Sunday and no time off from work the following Monday? What's a brotha gotta do to get a Federal holiday, yo? You figure a guy who pulls an impressive stunt like that would have a little more clout when it comes to paid holidays. Just remember this when I get up to the Pearly Gates, Yahweh. I totally petitioned for Mondays off for Easter.

Speaking of paid holidays. Is there anything worse than working a job that stays open 365 days a year? We've all worked that job, right? Top 5 most disappointing life moments:

5. Opening a bag of Starbursts only to find that 90% of the bag is yellow. The yellow might as well be ear wax flavored.

4. That short moment at a bachelor party when you realize the stripper establishment sent you the fat receptionist instead of the petite blond you ordered.

3. The first time you realize Santa Clause is a fraud.

2. Getting your work schedule and the first thing you notice is that you scored the closing shift on Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years/Fourth of July.

1. Hearing about a new celebrity porno, spending three and a half weeks finding it, watching it and realizing how worthless the entire quest was for one cloudy vagina shot with a camera that looks like it's being held by Michael J. Fox.

Lets talk music my friend. Is there really anything worth listening to these days? It seems that "New rock" stations still play Nirvana, Pearl Jam with an occasional Blink 182. Not that I am complaining, but with classic rock stations also playing Nirvana and Pearl Jam, I am curious what the hell the music industry is coming to. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope...

-Snoz

Here's what I'm suggesting to you. Stop listening to the radio. It's fucking ear poison. Today I heard a song about how the artist doesn't need money...just world peace and for everyone to get along and appreciate what they have. Fuck the fuck off you stupid fucking self righteous fuck hole. Yeah...real fresh, bitch. Write a song about how you don't need money while you collect millions of dollars from a shitty song that 19 year old skanks get dry humped to in a dimly lit sleaze-ball club by 35 year old men with diseased boners. Another piece of musical filth I was blessed with today was some dumb fuck song about alien sex. People must be running out of ideas. It was painful.

Since where I work is much like a prison, I don't have many rights. One freedom that has been stripped is my freedom of choice. We are currently in the middle of a very bloody civil war for radio rights. One employee wants to listen to 104.7...which is hard rock. Tolerable but you still hear the same shit over and over. The other thinks our work establishment is a rave party at 4am with everyone hopped up on E waving around glow sticks like a bunch of fuckin ferries. So she chooses 92.5 as her weapon of choice. The music that is played on this station...club beats, dance, hip hop, r&b, etc...is what I imagine the soundtrack to my own personal hell would be like. On repeat. For eternity. I see a broken radio in my work future...

Anyway, some bands I've been listening to:

Mumford & Sons - If Dropkick Murphy's went acoustic

Every Avenue - mostly vagina rock but there's something I just like about them

We the Kings - a little pussy, but it's upbeat and catchy

Reliant K - Christian...but who said God can't kick ass?

Hit the Lights - Ohio boys...from Lima

Fireworks - New Found Glory...after rubbing cocaine on the inside of your asshole

Forever the Sickest Kids - I have an unhealthy obsession with these guys

Four Year Strong - a little harder but still a pop sensibility

A Day to Remember - slightly harder than FYS

Punk Goes Pop/Pop 2/Classic Rock/Crunk/80s/90s - I'm a sucker for punk covers

that should keep you busy...

That about does it. I've actually been seriously impressed with the NBA playoff games I've watched so far. Maybe next week I'll get off my fat lazy ass and live blog one of them. Hopefully it'll be the one where Hansbrough gets de-pansed and pees himself while Thibodeau dives into the crown and bites the head off of a Pacer fan. Happy Friday fucksticks.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 15

2011-04-14T22:24:00.000-04:00

Where 90% of Napoleon girls lose their virginity.

I haven't had a mail in post in awhile...so enjoy this slice of mediocrity. It has the familiar odor of fart. I just read that Verizon finally ditched the dead horse "can you hear me now" campaign. Only about 8 years too late...way to stay current. At least that four-eyed fuck face didn't type cast himself in the role of total douche. Good luck finding a job dicknose. On with it. Wow. One fucking question this week. I hate you people sometimes. You fuckers act like you're allergic to email. Don't be afraid to send questions...no matter how stupid. I'm great at making stupid people look awesome. Plus, no human can be more uninteresting than GMoney and he emails every week. See what I mean?

I have to drive by those two massive water towers at US23 and I270 everyday. Napoleon has a pretty sweet one but smaller towns have ones that when you look at it, you can just tell that everyone living below it is white trash (Holgate). What is the fucking point of a water tower anyway? Yes, I'm coming to you for this answer.

-GMoney

Come on man...don't bang on Holgate. If it weren't for that town we wouldn't have weed and whores. Coulda done without the inbreeding though, guys. No one benefits from a mass of people who read at a 5th grade level with eleven toes who don't know the alphabet. I think I just described 90% of your readers, GMoney.

If we didn't have water towers then cops wouldn't know where to start their search for crystal meth labs. Seriously. Whenever I look at a water tower there always seems to be some tattered house or wood shack in the near vicinity. If I were law enforcement, my search for drug compounds would begin and end there. Does anyone know what's actually in those towers anyway? It can't be water...right? Anyone care for some water that's been baking inside a giant tin container for....FOREVER? It will make your liver glow radiant purple and your shit will look like you're birthing yellow highlighters. That is if the high amounts of bacteria don't kill you first. Every town should remove those fuckin things. But then again...where would people cook their meth? Decisions...

I would like to extend a hearty "get fucked" to everyone but GMoney...well, GMoney gets one too since that question was pretty lame. I hope you all get toothy blow jobs tonight...from men. Happy Friday fucksticks. How about some more participation next week dick lickers?

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Apparently There's Someone for Everyone.

2011-04-12T14:12:00.000-04:00

"Psssssst. I'm not married yet. Let's go find a bathroom, skank. I'll destroy your shit."

Last Friday Brady provided me with an article so obscenely trite and impossible, I had myself convinced he made it up and wrote it himself. After giving myself a minute to collect my thoughts I concluded that the article was indeed an original product. Instead of cheapening this find (which by now I'm sure most of you have read the original article already) by putting in Fun Bag(s) Friday, I decided to properly pay homage to the most incredibly ridiculous article ever written about a fat chinned sexual predator. Let's break it down...

The 2005 season turned out even better than Ben Roethlisberger imagined, and his first Super Bowl victory at season's end wasn't the only one that involved a ring.

-Cock ring? They have to be talking about his cock ring collection, right?

That August at training camp at Saint Vincent College, he met a Steelers fan from New Castle named Ashley Harlan. On July 23, only a week before the Steelers are scheduled to report to training camp (provided an NFL lockout of the players is lifted by then), Mr. Roethlisberger and Ms. Harlan will marry.

Ashley must not have a TV...or Internet...or subscribe to newspapers or magazines...or read...or talk to anyone...or leave her house...or care about rape. Because you know your soon to be husband is a RAPIST, correct Ashley? Or maybe Ashley loves the feeling of an unwanted johnson invading the inner walls of her vagina while she desperately tries to fight off the sweaty, carnal persistence of a fat fuckin swollen pig-man.

"I was surprised at how much media attention it was getting -- it's just an engagement," he said. "I never expected it to be on the front pages of all the papers and websites.

Ummmmm...are you as stupid as you are fat and overrated? Yeah...it's just an engagement. An engagement of a guy who was accused of sexual assault from two different women in the last three years. You see how that's shocking to the public, don't you? My first question would be...were you raping girls while you were with Ashley and hiding it from her like most scumbags of your moral character would? Or did you do the gentlemanly thing and dump her ass before you starting forcing yourself onto 20 year old drunk college chicks? Sorry honey...I just gotsta rape!

"We've gotten a lot of gifts from people we don't know," Mr. Roethlisberger said.

Most notably a blistering case of herpes from that toothless meth addict in New Mexico.

Some of those stories detailed a "wedding" gift registry at various department stores, which in reality was a registry for Ms. Harlan's shower. Because of the publicity, she has received packages from unknown people who have bought gifts for a shower they will not attend.

Confession. I sent a gift. It was penicillin.

"We were kind of on and off for five years -- almost six years now -- so I've known her for a while. It's not like a random new person."

Not a random...which was an instant turn off. Hence the original break up. Even today, he still can't get hard without boner pills or unless Ashley squalls loudly for help and tries to bore his eyeballs out of his head with her bare hands.

Mr. Roethlisberger said he was determined to not only change his image but also change his ways.

Wives make GREAT alibis.

"People will always have opinions of everybody and me, and that's fine, they're entitled," Mr. Roethlisberger said.

Yeah...because you're a piece of shit and you're too big of a fucking coward to own up to your mistakes. We all know you fucking raped somebody. You're just lucky you had the money to find the biggest scumfuck lawyers trying to make a name for themselves by arguing your innocence. God damn right we're entitled, you fucking criminal.

Ms. Harlan, a physician's assistant who turns 27 in July, lives at home with her parents.

...and sleeps in a bed covered with 30 stuffed animals and a Beauty and the Beast comforter. It hasn't yet been determined if the trophies from her beauty pageants from 18 years ago will be making the trip to the home the couple plans on sharing.

Mr. Roethlisberger cited the couple's religious faith and beliefs as the reasons for not living together until marriage.

When I first read this sentence I wanted to put my face on a belt sander. Who do you think you're addressing with that fucking blatant insult? I'd love to know what religion turns a blind eye to sexual assault and premarital sex. This is the biggest crock of fucking hog shit I've ever read. It's pure fiction. Pshht. Religious beliefs. Get fucked, fat ass.

"I try to protect her as much as I can." Mr. Roethlisberger said of the media.

Really. That's what you do. Try to protect her. You know the police report states that your dick was already out of your pants before you even hit the bathroom, right? Ahhhhh, the old "protect you with my flaccid gray dick out of my pants with intentions of sexually assaulting another woman" trick. I did NOT see that coming. That's fuckin veteran leadership right there.

If you believe any of the fluff from this article you should be medicated...or you're a Steeler fan. This is obviously a hilarious attempt at damage control. I give it less than a year before Ashley comes to her senses and leaves this clown. Do you think she's gonna make him strap up for sex that's only possible through dick pills or forced entry? I bet she does. No way this bitch is stupid enough to accept any raw doggin. But then again...she did agree to marry this fat donkey turd. I can't wait to buy their half priced wedding gifts from Ebay in 8 months.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 14

2011-04-07T12:23:00.000-04:00

"DURRRRRRRR!!!!! I"M FUCKING STUPID....DURRRRRRRR!!!!!"

First I need to apologize to Brady. His first question will not be in this edition of fun bags. He sent me a question so grand it warrants it's own private post that will be up sometime next week. I just need time to digest the sheer fucking stupidity of what I read and find a way to properly degrade the obvious cheap attempt to right a vicious wrong. Most likely I'll just rip off the way the writers do it at Kissing Suzy Kolber...because plagiarism is the best form of flattery. Way to finally show up, Brady. Second...on with the reader questions.

What is happening world traveler? Explain the hatred towards Colin Cowherd. Mike and Mike are way too vanilla in their show...it's infuriating. The Herd is a different point of view as opposed to hearing the same old bullshit. Justify this or I will make you tongue punch my fart box. PEACE!

-Moggy

Even though the thought of licking your hair covered balloon knot makes my sexual juices explode, I have no choice but to answer. The short answer is that Cowherd is a delusional, self absorbed, shock jock who models his game after the already played out Howard Stern. The longer answer is this:

I hate how he makes ridiculous claims about mundane topics that people really don't fucking care about. Like...off the top of my head, "Kevin Durant is overrated because he's never won a playoff series." This statement gives me hives just reading it. This is exactly why I fucking despise this crass fucktard. Kevin Durant...who was drafted to a loser team with zero help around him is over rated because he can't win a playoff series in the superior West...at 21 years old. With no help. Get fucked, rat face. Every sane, rational thinking person knows that Durant is one of the best 5 players in the league...unless you purposely go against the grain to make a low life name for yourself in an attempt to get ratings. Fuckin cheese dick.

And for Christ sake do NOT call into his show unless you plan on agreeing with every last piece of simpleton babble that escapes his pussy lips. Unless you enjoy getting talked to like you get the worst grades in an learning disabled class. That soft, condescending whisper where he draws out the pronunciation of a person's name puts me in a psychotic trance so deep that when I recover I'm ankle deep in a kiddie pool filled with baby animal carcasses with zero recollection of how I got there.

My most favorite Cowturd moment came about a month ago when he broke for commercial with a tease that would reveal to listeners why it would be a mistake to take Cam Newton. The commercial spot RIGHT BEFORE he came back on the air was a clip from a previous show droning on about how he thinks that Newton is not Jamarcus Russell...but Ben Roethlisberger. Well...what is it you fuckin gremlin? Is he a Super Bowl winning QB or an overweight creepy dude playing with his own man tits at a pool party for 12 year olds. I suppose that second scenario could apply for either QB in question. These are just two examples of MILLIONS on exactly why Cowturd is flat out unbearable to listen to. I hope I've cleared that up for you.

Pretty simple...how in the hell was ol' coffee breath Walt qualified to teach Computer Science? That guy was a moron. There is no way that he was tech savvy even in those days. I think that he just stayed one lesson ahead of the class. Also, what do you think that he used in his hair? I like to think that it was some home made concoction of all these old man creams and oils.

-Gmoney

I have a theory. Walt was actually in a similar situation as Milton from Office Space. Through a computer glitch, Walt was actually fired in 1986 but was somehow still receiving payroll checks. No one ever actually formally told him he was fired so he just kept showing up. Most classes from high school I was in, I could tell you one thing I still remember in almost all of them. Except Walt's

For example, in my Algebra 2 class no one respected Mr. Ricketts and he probably sobbed uncontrollably in between classes. In my Spanish class I gave 100% of everything I had into copying the work of the school valedictorian. Unsuccessful...hence the D in Spanish 4. In Chemistry class, I watched some of my classmates make a four way torch with the gas nozzles at each station while others carelessly mixed chemicals in the chemical room. Good times. Walt taught me that if you try to care about computers the way he did then you are doomed to a life of solitude where the best thing you have to look forward to is watching M.A.S.H. re-runs while ironing your work pants in tighty whities. Oh yeah...his hair product was probably something he made out of Brut aftershave mixed with shoe polish and Flex-All. I'm pretty sure I nailed at least two of the ingredients.

The national pundits have been going back and forth between AJ Green and Julio Jones as the Browns first pick later this month. To me, they are both super fast brotha's from the SEC and I don't think you can go wrong with either one. Do you have an opinion on the matter? Is there somebody else out there you would rather see selected by the Browns in the first round?

-Brady

Wow...just after I gave you crazy respect in the opener you follow up with this bland question. Just reading it makes me want to fuckin nap. *sigh* I think the Browns should wait on a WR until we know whether or not Colt McCoy is more than just a teenage girl masturbatory wet dream. What sense does it make having a stud WR if you don't have someone who can get him the ball? It would be like theoretically teaming up Larry Fitzgerald with Max Hall...wait, that happened. Okay...it would be like teaming up Larry Fitzgerald with John Skelton. Fuck...that happened too. Feel bad for Larry yet? All I know is that once this CBA rat's nets gets sorted out Arizona brass better do what they can to bring in Carson Palmer if they plan on keeping Fitz. Carson may not be Kurt Warner, but he's better than the poop sandwich currently on the roster.

I would say the Browns should target Patrick Peterson from LSU...even though there's a huge red flag in the fact that Cowturd thinks he's the best player in the draft. I usually give my best effort to do the exact opposite of what he says...because he's usually wrong about everything. Assuming Peterson is still on the board and assuming he's the corner everyone thinks he is, I feel the stitching in the crotch of my pants tearing just thinking about how terrifying Cleveland's secondary would be with Peterson, Haden and Ward back there...for the next 10 years. This is also assuming that the NFL and the players remove their heads from their asses and make sure we have football next year. The longer this CBA shit goes on the more pissed I get. Fuckin fix it!!

Happy Friday fucksticks. That is all.

A Fake Evening With Jim Calhoun.

2011-04-06T16:32:00.000-04:00

"Yesssssss! Taco Breath!! Hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

Well, it appears I was MILDLY wrong about the Big East this year...sort of. Even though they did get their dick's kicked in the first weekend, they somehow managed to have a team from that conference win the championship. I guess that's what happens when you flood the tournament with 90% of your conference. The odds are unfairly in your favor. So after licking my wounds and swallowing my pride a little, I decided to sit down with Jim Calhoun and talk about his historic tournament run and what it means to that program.

Iceman: Coach. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me. I'm sure things are super hectic since winning th....Coach??

Coach Calhoun: *ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........*

Ice: Ummmmm.....coach???

CC: ZZZZZzzzzzzz....*Snort* *Gargle* *Grumble*...Huh? Wha? Who's there?

Ice: It's the Iceman Coach. You agreed to an interview with me today?

CC: I don't believe you. Who the fuck are you?! Did you fondle my cock while I was sleeping, ya big fuckin queen? You look like a guy who would sneak a dick rub on someone catching a nap. But fuck it. I'm here already so let's get this shit over with.

Ice: I love the spirit, James. Can I call you James?

CC: You can call me "rubber dick lover" as long as you keep this interview short, fag boy.

Ice: Come on man. Over the line. You sound drunk so I'll get on with it...and please put your pants back on, Coach. How were you guys able to make such a successful run at the title this year after playing like a bunch of bitches during the regular season?

CC: *in a high pitched voice* "Put your pants back on Jim...your thighs look like beef jerky and the sight is making the dog sick, Jim!" Christ...you sound like my fuckin wife. Not that it's any of your nosey ass, journalistic fucking business but if you must know...my players are actually 28 year old Brazilian professionals I paid with University money. The reason for the slow start was because they actually didn't fully pick up English until around the Big East tournament. The only way I could communicate with them was through vulgar hand gestures and raw, physical violence. The way America SHOULD be...fuckin pussies.

Ice: Sounds intense, rubber dick lover. Did you ever think your team could start fatiguing late in the tourna......do you smell something?

CC: Yeah. It's shit. I just shit in my pants. Your point? MARGARET!!!!! TIME TO CHANGE MY DIAPERS AGAIN!!! GET YOUR FUCKIN ASS OUT HERE BEFORE I FIST BLAST YOU IN THE UTERUS AGAIN!!! DON"T MAKE ME CALL NATE MILES!!! *whispers to me* The way I see it is I'm doing that haggard cunt a favor by ruining her reproductive system. That wretched bitch does NOT need to be conceiving.

Ice: Classy. God I hope she makes it out here soon. The thought of you getting near anyones vagina coupled with the threat of Nate Miles walking in and raping my mouth is completely unbearable.

CC: Yeah...me and Nate have crushed a substantial amount of puss together. We've DP'ed more hoodrats than any other sexual duo outside of the Insane Cock Brothers. I'm glad I paid him all that money to come to Uconn. Best investment I ever made.

Ice: You sir, are gross. What do you think of Brad Stevens?

CC: That limp dicked pussy couldn't coach a semi-retarded 4th grade girls pee wee league team. Has too many whhhite kids on that roster for my liking, too.

Ice: Wait a second...I thought you were racist...

CC: Well...I am, son. But I ain't no dummy, neither. I know the whhhite kids suck at athletics and I wanna win Goddammit. 4.0's don't win national titles. Athletes and money does. Lots and lots and lots of money.

Ice: So is this you admitting that you are knowingly shattering NCAA rules by paying players?

CC: *quickly pops pill in his mouth and swallows* You'll never get an answer out of me before this poison starts melting my body from the inside out. If I were you I would get out of here quick before you get blamed for murdering an NCAA icon...tell my wife I never loved her and only stayed with her because I was afraid of losing half my assets. And tell her she isn't fuckable even when I'm black out drunk. TELL HER!!!

*I sprint toward the exit as Coach Calhoun starts choking on his own drool*

CC: *stops choking and scans the room* Is that smart mouthed fuck stick gone? Good. That dumb shit whhhitey had no idea I just smashed a boner pill. Now come to daddy, Margaret...I have a old wrinkly rager that needs some attention.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Live Blog, 2011 Men's Basketball National Championship game.

2011-04-04T21:31:00.000-04:00

"Mmmmm....lip hair. Tastes like your mom's vagina."

Fuck. I'm late. My intentions were to live blog the entire national championship game from start to finish but I blew it...like the shitty Buckeyes. But in OSU's defense they were playing against paid professionals. Pick it up at Uconn 4, Butler 3...18:00 to go in the first half.

9:34 - I'm bummed Bill Raftery isn't commenting this game. "The big fella! Servin it up on a platter! With disdain to the tin!!" That guy could lift the spirits at a funeral. Instead we get Clark Kellogg and Jim Nantz. I'd rather listen to a fork screeching across a ceramic plate for 3 hours.

9:35 - Matt Howard puts Butler up by 2. I still can't believe he shaved his moustache off. That thing was fucking legendary. It was the source of his power.

9:37 - Oh. Yay. The Masters. I'd rather drink piss.

9:38 - Jesus Christ. This looks like a WNBA game. Both teams are shooting about 17% from the field.

9:40 - Something that's getting really overrated. Players screaming at the heavens and pounding their chests after a great play. It was cool before EVERYONE started doing it. Find something new.

9:48 - Andrew Smith just scored for Butler. I'm not sure what was more white. That jump hook he floated up there or that fuckin name. Everything about that sequence screamed 2% milk. Represent whitey!

9:51 - Butler is shooting free throws for the rest of the half with 9:02 left. Where's Al Michaels when you really need him. YOUUUUUUUUGE!

10:01 - Butler is fucking scrappy. That should keep them in this game since they're shooting like 4th grade girls right now. It looks like they want it more.

10:07 - First football reference. "This feels like Steelers vs. Ravens! Durrrrr!!!! It's a physical slug fest!!! Blaaaarrrrrgh!!!!" These clowns are ruining this game for me.

10:09 - Matt Howard is leaving this game in a body bag. Lock it up. No one can say that dude didn't fully want this tonight. Shelvin Mack. A fuckin dagger. 22-19 Butler at half. Let's do some uncomfortable sideline interviews...

10:13 - Thor. Looks. Gay.

10:17 - Greg Gumbel's hair looks like someone colored cotton balls with a black sharpie and hot glued them to his skull. Horrendous.

10:25 - Jimmer Fredette won the Naismith Award. Can't wait to hear what that rat-faced, fart eater Colin Cowherd has to say about this tomorrow. I'm glad Fredette won it. I like anything that makes Cowherd look like a fuckin dipshit.

10:35 - Second half begins...Hey!!!! Second football reference courtesy of Jim Nantz! I want to puncture his testicles with the end of a golf umbrella.

10:40 - Jeremy Lamb shoots 2 handed. Girls shoot 2 handed. Jeremy Lamb is a girl. See how that works?

10:45 - HD is not kind to Jim Calhoun's wife. She looks like a gym bag. Calhoun looks like his breath smells like the inside of a jock strap.

10:57 - That Dove commercial with Magic Johnson was interesting. Ervin likes to relax in flip flops and lay on the couch. Magic is super competitive and will stab you in the genitals to get ahead in life. Ervin cuts the crusts off his PB & J and always has a napkin on his lap when he eats. Magic destroyed thousands of dirty 80's vagina and raw dogged all of them so he could bring deadly, murderous diseases into Ervin's LA home. What they left out is that both Ervin and Magic both have HIV courtesy of Magic. Thanks for being so competitive and hating your penis, Magic.

11:00 - Butler down 11. This could be it.

11:06 - Way to show up Butler. You let everyone down. 15% shooting as a team???? Wow...Clark Kellogg almost screamed "What the fuck?!" after a idiotic Uconn pass. It would have been awesome to listen to his broadcast career go up in flames live. Just know I'm about to close this up. Butler is just embarrassing themselves.

11:15 - Matt Howard just obliterated the record for most forced, off balanced shots in 40 minutes of action. I would think that at this point in the game he would realize the refs aren't gonna bail him out with his insanely horrid shot selection.

11:24 - Over. This has to be the worst national championship game I've ever seen. Both teams played like drunk hobos.

This game didn't convince me that Uconn was the best team in basketball this year. They beat a team that shot 22% from the field by only 12 points and were actually trailing by 6 in the second half. Let me say that again...Butler shot 22% FOR THE GAME. Uconn should have won by 30 but instead they let these no talent limp dick losers from Hillbilly, Indiana hang around until midway through the second half. But that's the way the tourney goes I guess. The best team doesn't always win. The hottest team does. I can't wait for this Uconn title to get vacated in 5 years when the NCAA finds out Calhoun paid his players to run a train on his wife...who looks like Russell Brand. Can't say I blame him though. She's gotta get some dick play from someone.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Lucky #13

2011-03-31T23:04:00.001-04:00

"Here's something you'll barf up in 20 minutes! Enjoy!"

Breathe it in childrens....ahhhhhhhhh! Fun Bag(s) Friday is back. Shave your backs, wax your chest hair, put on your finest leisure suit and strap in. First...quick tangent. Here's yet another reason why women's basketball is a fucking joke. I accidentally stumbled onto a women's NCAA tournament game the other night and a wave of panic washed over me as I screamed, "Is it 2AM already?!" It was actually only 8PM...who knew women's basketball still warrants a prime time TV spot? Anyway, the first thing I noticed was the score...Uconn was up by 30...against Duke...in the Elite 8 game...with a minute left in the game. So I did some research. The closest game in the four Elite 8 games in this year's women's NCAA tournament was decided by 12 points...FUCKING TWELVE! How pathetic is the talent pool if the 5th through 8th best team in the country can't come closer than 12 points? The second thing I noticed was that if the shorts those players are wearing get any tighter, you'll be able to see the outline of their cocks. The last thing I noticed was just now...I wrote WAAAAAYYYYYY too much about women's basketball. Onward...

Your post about the NCAA tourney got me thinking; if your team is out should you cheer for other teams from your conference or, would you cheer for any team playing against one of your in-conference rivals? I would even take it a step further. Being from Canada (so don’t list me as being from Ohio again, thanks), hockey is one of my games and I’m a Leaf fan. There is no one I hate more then Montreal, but come playoff time, I will cheer for any Canadian team if they are playing against a team from the U.S. So, what’s your stance on nationalism trumping traditional rivalries? Cheers,

-Andrew (CANADA!)

Well fuck my butt, Andrew. You were right to be offended that I assumed you were from Ohio. I would rather live inside Kathy Bates' vagina than the sinkhole of America which is Ohio. At least we'll always be more attractive than West Virginia. Here's a question for you...why does your "bacon" have the circumference and color of one of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's ariola?

Here's my take on rivalries that isn't shared by many people I've talked to. It depends on the level of the sport. In college, for example, conference success brings positive attention...and money...to the schools within. History of success makes you attractive to top recruits. Top recruits make you better. See how that works? So if Ohio State...who I fucking loathe...is playing for a national title, it makes sense for me to want them to win. Michigan gets some of that money, the conference gets positive press, and top recruits notice. Now, I understand that programs like OSU, Michigan, Wisconsin, etc are already on almost every high school kid's radar. But every bit of persuasion helps, right? I guess that's why Ohio State pays girls to fuck potential recruits...according to HBO.

The Pro level is different since no recruiting goes on. You play for whoever drafts you...unless you're Eli Manning and you pout like a fucking five year old until the team that drafts you trades your ungrateful, hillbilly ass. So in this case...as a Browns fan I never want the Steelers to do well. Because we don't need another excuse for Steeler fans to drink moonshine and reproduce with their cousins while John Denver sets the mood. There's already enough inbred wastoids Pittsburgh fans out there. We don't need any more offspring from the mutated, pickled wombs of Steeler nation.

When you start talking on a National level, now that's a completely different animal since all the sports I follow don't have professional teams in Canada. Except for the NBA. But the Raptors will never be a threat in my lifetime so much like the majority of Canada...I kinda forget they're there sometimes. ZING! The best example I could come up with is this: If the Steelers represented the United States in the Olympics...assuming the Olympics ever get smart and add American football...then I would undoubtedly have no choice but to cheer for them. That is unless I want to be branded a traitor and get deported to a country that has never seen a roll of toilet paper before. Which doesn't sound unbearable. I would say that it's okay to cheer for any Canadian team come playoff time. That's only assuming that you hate America more than you hate Montreal. But let's be serious Andrew...who hates America? That's like hating tits.

I have no idea how long your flight was from the States to Europe but I would guess it was at least 6 hours. So with that assumption, did the airline feed you? What's the deal with airline food! I feel like the industry is shifting away from providing meals. Yeah, I'd bet that they suck but it's still free-ish food. What were the options: some sort of sandwich or did they just make 5-6 peanut/pretzel runs? I would demand a sandwich. And if some old hag stewardess told me no, I would induct her into the Mile High Anal Club (Frank Gifford - Sergeant at Arms).

-G$

Not bad on the guess. It was seven hours...but actually translated to about 53 hours when you factor in the screaming child four rows in front of me that perfectly complimented my rigid airline seat that might as well have been constructed from a granite slab. Let me also add that sleeping on an airplane sucks incredibly bad...unless you strive to sleep in 25 minute intervals. Seven hours of power naps! Refreshing!! I especially love the humiliating walk through First Class. "Take a look at what you'll never be able to afford, Gaylord." That message should have been blasting over the loudspeaker as the common man shuffled through to coach. Just know that every airline most likely offers complimentary blow jobs to all of the First Class passengers. I'm 80% sure of this.

The food was probably worse than prison food. On the way there we were served breakfast food that tasted like it was prepared inside Larry King's ass and a chicken (at least that's what the package told me) sandwich that was floating in 3 inches of cooler water. I ate both only because it was the airline gruel...or starve. Or start eating people like the movie Alive. The way back wasn't much better. For lunch we were force fed some pasta dish that looked like it was prepared 3 months prior. But for dinner we hit the jackpot. HOT chicken sandwich! With Sunchips! The only positive was that we had unlimited drinks...and drinks are impossible to fuck up.

Welcome back everyone. Enjoy. Real quick...my NCAA championship picks. Just know I've been wrong about pretty much everything the whole way.

-Butler over VCU

-Kentucky over Uconn

-Champion - Butler...only because I went to high school with a guy named Brad Stevens.

Send all questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Cheerio Douchbags!

2011-03-28T20:19:00.000-04:00

"Does this face make my face look British? Wait....this isn't a Chalupa I'm holding..."

Yes, yes, yes bitchtitters. I'm back...just like that blister on your ballsack that you thought was gone forever. As most of you know, I was in London last week visiting that tosser, cockfoster Justin. Cockfoster actually isn't an insult but you can bet your nipple hair I'm turning it into one. Now I'm back and need to put something up so all of you don't switch to another non famous blog writer that occasionally talks sports in between swear words. Just to get myself back in the swing of things, here are some highlights from "holiday".

*I think I like rugby now. Since finding American sports on any channel was about as likely as Paul Pierce getting washboard abs in my absence, I was forced to endure European sports for an entire week. Not bad Europe...not bad at all. The rules are confusing and it's not quite football but watching rugby in a London bar surrounded by people that rabidly follow the sport is really something to marvel at. You have to seriously be missing something functional in your brain to volunteer for rugby. Just sayin.

*London has no open container law.......and it's AWESOME! There's nothing like killing a pint or two on your walk to the bar knowing there's no chance you'll get arrested. For me, it was almost like everyone was walking around naked and no one acted like crimes were being committed. It was common...and beautiful.

*I missed the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament but I was able to check enough Internet to see Big East teams getting picked off one by overrated one. With each Big East team that found itself in a heap of disappointment after every humiliating loss, I found myself cackling louder...like a drunk hobo in the middle of a park surrounded by pigeons. I don't give a fuck if UConn is in the Final Four. To send 11 teams and have 9 be sitting at home beating it to animal porn after the first weekend is a fucking disappointment. If that conference was worth a shit they would have had at least 5 teams in the Sweet 16.

*The French are assholes. Kinda...but not really. I just felt like ripping on the French because they seem like a bunch of coffee sipping queens that would pay you money for the chance to lightly massage your taint. Plus I couldn't understand them which was irritating. How dare you not speak English in France! Appalling!!

*Ireland is fuckin sweet...Ireland on St. Patrick's day is even more sweet. Not to rub it in...but I'm gonna rub it in. There's nothing quite like getting pants shitting drunk for free with an Irish born citizen showing you the ropes in Dublin. For all you asshole haters that said they don't celebrate St. Paddy's day the same in Ireland, well I can now tell you for 100% certain that they do. Nice try shitting on my parade. They wear green, they drink early, they drink late, they get destroyed and probably end up making some horrible decisions...like fucking a fat girl with a moustache...filming it...and putting it on the Internet. The only difference is they don't serve green beer. The upside to that is no green diarrhea the next day. Just regular diarrhea.

*I learned that unless you want the airline to cram a non greased bowling pin up your anal crevasse...then you should get to your flight on time. I also learned that the middle aged man that works the desk at the bag check/boarding pass area hates his life and seriously debates swallowing a handful of sleeping pills every night after slaving away at the job he loathes but can't quit since he lacks any social skill whatsoever. He also blames you for the fact that he's not important enough to carry a gun...or pepper spray. He's so non lethal they may as well issue him tampons to stop a rowdy, uncooperative passenger. And that's your fault so he WILL take it out on you. Finally, if you're white and American, then you get harassed at the American customs table as if you were wearing a belt of live grenades. It's standard procedure.

Those are the highlights. If you have any other questions...like how many guys did I fuck in France, or any other cute homo jokes like that...leave them in the comment section. But I know most of you won't. You act like you're fuckin allergic to that thing. Commenting won't give you horse AIDS...promise. Finally, I think I'm bringing back the Fun Bag(s) Friday so get your questions in at jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com. It's good to be back and I know you cock sniffers missed me.

A Guide to Whoopin' Tournament Ass

2011-03-08T13:07:00.000-05:00

"Psssst! I wanna kiss you on the mouth."

Welcome to the end of an era. This moment is more sad than when Who's the Boss was cancelled. I'm surprised Jonathan didn't start sucking cock for crumpled up dollar bills in the years after...or maybe he did. Who knows? Let's just say that this blogger was not shocked to learn of his homosexuality years later. It would be like being shocked upon hearing that Snooki is actually a soul sucking beast from another planet. Which she most certainly is.

Anyway, the era I refer to is my long standing run as operator of an NCAA tournament challenge. This will be the first year since 1999 that I will not have to beg and plead with people to get their brackets in by Thursday at noon. Or, for that matter, fuckin hunt people down for $5 like I'm a God damn FBI agent. Those two aspects of tournament running was almost enough to make me fold the operation years ago. But my insatiable thirst for gambling would not allow it. It's not like the format changes from year to year. Every single year the games start Thursday at noon. Why is it so fucking difficult to get your shit on time? Furthermore...it's only five fucking dollars. It shouldn't take you more than a month to scrape that together. If it does then here's a tip for ya. Don't eat Taco Bell for a day. Not only will you spare yourself from cancerous bloody diarrhea, you won't have to worry about me crawling up your ass for the next 30 days begging you for something that should have been paid to me weeks ago.

So...why? Why am I retiring from this mind numbing pain in the ass? Simply put, because I will be out of the country the day after the brackets get released leaving me just enough time to turn in my own bracket to some other sap in charge of something that really isn't worth the hassle at the end of the day. So since it sounds like I will be doing many of you a disservice by cancelling tournament mania this year, I will make it up to you by showing you the way to dominating your bracket...since you will all have to join different ones this year. And piss someone else off.

Who to ride - North Carolina.

Most likely these guys will land a #2 seed so it's not THAT big of a stretch. Buuuuuut........Take North Carolina to at least the Elite 8 if not the Final Four. Let's forget for a second that NC is one of the hottest teams in the country right now. What intrigues me about the Heels is that they can put serious points on the board but also lead the nation in defensive rebounding. Which means? You better have Jimmy Chitwood shooting the fucking lights out to beat these guys.

Giant Killer/Sleeper - St. John's

The only Big East team I'll take a chance on. Take a look at who they've beat this year. In order: #13 Georgetown, #11 Notre Dame, #3 Duke, #9 Connecticut, #4 Pittsburgh and #14 Villanova. Sure...they have some bad losses (Fordham, St. Bonaventure) that probably made the coach want to punch his own balloon knot but I wouldn't be surprised to see these guys in the Sweet 16.

Who to avoid - Everyone in the Big East (Fuck you Josh)

That is unless you enjoy attempting to convert your own teeth into enamel dust by violently clenching your jaw as you watch the second ranked Big East team you had in the Final Four lose to a MAC school in round one or two. Taking any Big East team into the Elite 8 or farther is a mistake. Period. Ask yourself this question. What conference fucks over your bracket more than any other conference? That's right. The Big East. I think they get off on it. Do yourself a favor and go check out the Big East's tournament history. It's shit. Take last year for example. The Big East sent 8 teams...like they always do. Six of those eight teams were done playing after the second game including #3 ranked Georgetown getting their assholes caved in by Ohio University. Because when I think big time basketball...I think OU Bobcats, God dammit. This year they could send an astonishing 11 teams to the tournament. That just translates to 3 more teams that won't live up to the lofty expectations fans of this overrated conference have. You might as well send 3 more mid majors instead...the result would be the same.

Who to trust - The Big 10

Seriously. This has nothing to do with me being a Michigan fan. This conference has a legitimate title contender in OSU and two other teams in Purdue and Wisconsin who can make noise. Also, keep in mind that Purdue is doing this without arguably their best player in Hummel. Don't sleep on Illinois or Michigan either because I think both will be in the field of 68. Both of these teams have the ability to play spoiler and win a few games. Illinois gave OSU, Purdue and Texas scares this year while Michigan nearly knocked off Kansas, Syracuse, OSU and Wisconsin.

The Mid-Majors - Utah State and St. Mary's

These two teams are ranked in the top 25 for a reason. I pay attention to stuff like that. Now, I won't be the dumbass that takes them to the Elite 8, but I wouldn't shit in your mouth if you put either in the Sweet 16 depending on who they get matched with once the brackets come out. I like SMU more because they can score. When in doubt, take a team that can rack up points...and the team that has pent up sexual anger because they go to a penis only school.

The Champion - I have it narrowed down to 3 teams I like. OSU, Kansas and Duke.

OSU - Jared Sullinger has the fattest ass I've ever seen on a human but the kid can play. He'll probably be an Oliver Miller/Sean May clone at the next level with mushier tits than Paul Pierce...but this isn't the next level. OSU is probably the most talented of any tournament team but if they get into foul trouble they're fucked. This team can only go about 7 deep.

Kansas - Number 5 in points scored and number 1 in FG%. Plus they can clamp your asshole on defense. My only problem is that Bill Self has been known to let me down...like a drunk chick who passes out mid blowey.

Duke - I like the experience. I like the fact that Coach Kswyklhsflsdlaghiowghwoingerski doesn't have lips. I like that Kyle Singler is a mix between the albino from The DaVinci Code and Roger from "American Dad". I don't like that they would have to repeat to make me right.

There you go everyone. You can fill in the blanks for the rest and you should be fine. That MORE than makes up for my tournament absence this year. I demand a share of the profits when you dominate your tournament pool. Or you could ignore my assistance and go with whoever has the cuter mascot...or what team has the collective group of hotter asses. Oh yeah...I'm also postponing Fun Bag(s) Friday for the next 3 weeks. I have a shit load of packing to do and some people (Joe) have been crying about not enough substance and too much Fun Bag(s). Well here ya go ya big fuckin wiener! Don't say I never did anything for you.

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 12

2011-03-03T20:52:00.000-05:00

"Wanna watch me die? Good because I love mixing lethal drugs."

No catchy intro today. Let's just dive right it. Once again...this was typed on a MacBook and MacBooks are still sucky computers.

I was watching something on TV the other night and the Breaking News scroll popped up. Isn't that the ultimate cocktease? You secretly want to read about some 80 car pileup or a building blown to smithereens. As long as I'm not involved, I don't care. But it's usually about some fugitive on the run in some shithole county or school closings and that is totally weak. So the question is, when you see that Breaking News come up, do you immediately stop paying attention to what you're watching in the hope that some stranger was just eaten to death by an escaped lion from the zoo?

-G$

I love breaking news. Love it. But you're right. Most of the time it's something I don't give a shit about and I often times find myself saying out loud, "Whaaaaaat? That was fuckin lame. I wouldn't even consider that breaking." I'll be honest. When I see "Breaking News" I move to the edge of the couch wondering which celebrity just died. Is it gonna be some old fart who has been clinging to life for years? Or is it gonna be a total shocker? Someone young who inhaled 50 different prescription drugs at once? Someone who was found in a truck stop bathroom completely naked covered in sperm? I love those breaking news stories. Example...I missed the breaking news story about that crusty old bag from the Titanic movie croaking. I think she was 160. Anyway, when I discovered while watching the Oscars that this geezer had died I felt cheated. I hate feeling cheated. This doesn't make me an asshole so holster your judgement. Celebrities get paid a fuck ton of money and don't care what serfs like me think about them. They could give a shit that I'm sitting in Ohio celebrating their untimely demise. In my mind that fact makes it okay. I would be okay with people wishing me dead if I could afford a house with 30 bathrooms.

If you could make a sequel to a movie that doesn't have one (or follows ones that already exist), which movie franchise would you choose and what would be the premise? I am toying around with sending a script off to Hollywood with the title: Major League 15- Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn free bases himself and the Indians to another American League pennant with hilarious consequences. What do you think?

-Brady

You have a solid start. That way, piggy backing off the last question, we could actually watch Charlie Sheen die of a violent drug overdose on screen. Perfect. That would make me very, very happy. Let's see...sequels...I would probably make a Goonies sequel. The only thing is that I would have to have all of the original cast as grown up adults. Except this time around instead of finding buried treasure to preserve Astoria, they would be selling their bodies on the streets of Detroit in order to get Data out of jail. It was tax fraud. Don't pretend you wouldn't want to see Mouth getting t-bagged and Chunk getting titty fucked by some huge black guy named Diesel. Don't ask questions bitch...it's my sequel.

Okay...so this wasn't the best Fun Bag(s) Friday. Let's just say I'm already in weekend mode. Happy Friday fucksticks.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com....maybe before Thursday at 7pm assholes. This isn't high school anymore. Stop procrastinating, fuckers.

KNOW YOUR DAMN ROLE AND READ THIS DAMN POST!

2011-03-02T16:46:00.000-05:00

"Do these pants make my cock look tiny?"

Okay. The secret is out. I'm a wrestling fan. Silence naves! Before the judgements are passed around like plate of coke at the Sheen household, let me defend my honor by saying that I've never owned a wrestling t-shirt (after the age of 8) and I've never been to a live wrestling event. Here's the deal. We all owned Hulk-a-Mania shit as kids and every last one of us, at least once, licked the scalp of a friend while imitating the Bushwhackers. Some of us even made faces that would suggest we were in full cardiac arrest while smacking bitches with a 2x4 in honor of Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Our parents prayed we would grow out of it (and most of you did) so that we could all get laid someday. But with some of us...the thirst for Hogan leg drops lingered and laid dormant. Waiting patiently to strike. And we got laid anyway despite enjoying wrestling, motherfuckers so chug my cock. It all started my Sophomore year of college when I was introduced to the man who would pave the way for my wrestling future. *wavy dream sequence thingy*

Roommate: "What's the plan tonight?"

Me: "Drink somewhere and hopefully wake up tomorrow in a town I've never seen before."

R: "Wanna go to my buddy Mike's place?"

M: "I'll go inside Brigitte Nielsen's pussy if there's alcohol in there."

R: "He likes wrestling."

M: "Fag. Whatever. I'm sure I've partied with bigger losers. I can't promise I won't punch him in the dick until he goes blind in one eye, though."

This happened about 13 years ago so obviously I'm paraphrasing. But knowing who I am now and who I was then, I would say that's a pretty accurate interpretation of how shit actually went down. Verbatim almost. Little did I know that by the end of the night...I would owe Mike Snyder, hailing from the Fremont Snyder clan, a massive apology. Now, I have always been slightly familiar with the WWF in high school thanks to GMoney, Black, Z-Man and Buke giving Hastings the DX "suck it" no matter what time of day it was and no matter who happened to be in the area. At least that's how I remember it. I would also run over to the student section and give Nick Sonnenberg the NWO "too sweet" when my name was announced for the basketball starting lineup my Senior year. Yep. I fuckin ruled. But until that fateful night over at Mike's apartment...I had no clue what I was missing. And for the record there is no greater taunt than the DX "suck it".

For the rest of that year...every Monday...we would grab a case of Budweiser, a full order of chicken and cheese stuffed bread sticks from Pollyeyes and watch sweaty men in speedos beat the piss out of each other for about 2 hours. It was a great time to be a college student. I'm not really sure where this is going so I'll just wrap it up with a list of my favorite wrestlers from that era.

Ric Flair - Name 5 things more incredible than open hand slapping someone in the chest and suffering zero repercussions by simply screaming "WOOOOOOOOO!" while walking away shaking both index fingers in the air. You can't. People think it's hilarious when they get Ric Flair'ed and oddly enough I love Ric Flairing the shit out of people when I'm shit face hammered.

Chris Jericho - Otherwise known as Y2J. "RAW....IS.....JERICHO!!!!!" I fuckin loved hearing him say that for some reason. Y2J had the best lines in wrestling but much like Samson, when he cut the hair he became a huge pussy.

Stone Cold Steve Austin - Please, if you didn't like Austin 3:16 then you didn't need to be watching wrestling. The best part about the Stone Cold Stunner was the reaction people gave when getting stunned. It looked like every bone in their spinal column was shattered. No one got stunned better than The Rock. No one.

Mankind - Mankind, Cactus Jack, Mick Foley, Dude Love...whatever the hell you wanted to call him. My favorite was Mankind because his finishing move was fucking genius. Putting a dirty sock on his hand and shoving it in his opponent's mouth. The mandible claw and Mr. Socko. How in the holy hell did that preschool shit ever become popular??

The Rock - He was so over the top on everything but it worked for him. The People's Elbow is probably the most retarded finishing move since the Hogan Leg Drop. But I will piss my pants laughing when I see it happen. Plus you know you still call people "jabroni".

The Ultimate Warrior - I'm pretty sure there were like 40 different guys that dressed up like the Warrior...and every kid in America cut off circulation to their arms at least once trying to recreate that outfit that looks extremely gay when I look back on it now. They should have called him the Ultimate Gay Fucker.

Sting - He really didn't do anything special. Unless you count carrying a baseball bat over his shoulder and wearing a trench coat special. I don't know why...but people like the face paint. Maybe it's because he kinda looked like The Crow...and that movie happened to be yooooooooge at the time of Sting's meteoric rise.

Scott Steiner - Most people didn't like Big Poppa Pump. I was not most people. He was obviously on roids but who wasn't then? At least he didn't murder his family and then kill himself like a puss. But his one liners were fuckin classic. "You'll be on your back screamin in pain...while your wife is on her back screamin my name." How can you not love that?

Goldberg - The fucker barely ever wrestled (at least I barely remember him wrestling) but when he did people talked about it for weeks. Even non wrestling fans tuned in when they knew Goldberg was going to be on. Now that's fuckin star power. If he was smart he would make a comeback while people still remember who he is.

Shawn Michaels - The fuckin Heartbreak Kid. He was kinda douchey...but kinda sweet. I tried giving someone Sweet Chin Music when I was drunk 2 weeks ago. I nearly tore my groin and fell over backwards which would have certainly ended in me concussing myself. It won't prevent me from trying again.

I'll admit that once my favorite wrestlers started dropping off the map I lost interest in the WWE (so gay that they had to change that), but now that The Rock! Has finally come back! To Monday Night Raw! You can bet your ass I'm watching again. This Monday Stone Cold Steve Austin is hosting Raw in his hometown. I can't fuckin wait and I don't give a shit if you think I'm a nerd because of it.

Send all Friday Fun Bag(s) to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Friday Fun Bag(s) Vol. 11

2011-02-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

"Ivan Drago was a pussy."

There's an inordinate amount of petty shit that tilts my rage meter into the red. For example. People who feel it's necessary to give a minute by minute agenda of what they are doing with their boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook. Holy Santa Clause shit, is that fuckin annoying. "Dinner with the BF", "Movie with the BF", "Cupping the balls of the BF", "Filming a home made porn with the BF". Here's some advice. Everyone is happy you found someone, no one gives a fuck what you two do together when no one's around. Keep it to yourself already. Also, if this looks like a fuckin ransom note with all the different fonts being used it's because it's typed on a MacBook...and MacBook's are for slow kids. And you guys aren't important enough to go back and fix it. Let's do this.

Name one celebrity that you find overrated and another that you find underrated in terms of bangability. I will never understand the allure of Cameron Diaz since 90% of her body is her face. But I would do some horrible things to Lindsay Lohan. I don't care how big of a mess she is now. She was still in Mean Girls, dammit!

-G$

Let me see...overrated celebrity. Easily Megan Fox. I bet when she lost her virginity there was a fuckin parade for the guy who nailed her first. Now? I bet you can throw a Campbell's soup can into her vagina without scraping the inner wall. Honestly, I really have no idea if she's a horrific slut or not. I just envision her that way. I for sure see her fuckin some wandering gypsy in Arizona then encoring with smashing a rail of coke off of a toilet seat in a rundown filthy trailer park while some dad watches his daughter finger slam her own snatch one room over. Too far? She just has that vibe.

Now...for the underrated. First of all, shame on you for choosing Lindsay Lohan. You must hate your penis. Maybe you're into that "Please don't plunge a knife into my abdomen and lift my wallet off of my hemorrhaging body" thing. Maybe you're also into chicks that step on your naked bag with the heel of a stiletto. I, personally, gave that up when I graduated college. Gross man. Just gross. Second, my underrated celeb award would have to go to Jenna Fischer. Maybe it's because I've always had a tiny crush on Pam Beesly who isn't even real. Maybe it's because no one ever really knew how hot Fischer was until she did this photo shoot. Maybe it's because she gives off that vibe of a chick that will watch sports with you then get bombed at the bar afterwards. I don't know what it is. But she wins.

The Cavs and I talked and we decided it would be best for us to be in an open relationship. It's not that we don't love each other very much because we do. It's just that we've been together for so long and I was so young... I just need to experience something different. Anyway, who should I go for in the NBA this year? Detroit and I had a thing before the whole Lebron incident (ugh!) but that is over and we are just better off being friends. Maybe follow Mo Williams to the Clippers?

-Nick

I think it's best for everyone involved that you sever ties with the Cavs. You deserve so much more. Especially now with Baron Davis getting ready to pull off the greatest mail in performance of all time, moving on is the only way to salvage what spirit you have left. Don't follow the crowd to the Clippers though. Bad choice. With the line to lick Blake Griffin's choad stretching a little more than a mile from the front gate of the Staples Center, you run the risk of being labeled a Blake Griffin band wagon fan...even though I would probably let him watch me while I shower. Don't worry...nothing weird goes on in there. Just the basics.

I would give definite consideration to the Nets. They're a big market team, they fuckin blow right now, they just picked up Deron Williams who is the 2nd best PG in the league behind Derrick Rose and they have a Russian billionaire for an owner who has probably killed at least nine hookers. You have to love a guy who openly admits to not owning a computer and having not a single reporter gather the scrote strength to call him on it. It's like, "If I question this guy in public...is he going to burn my arm with a cigarette lighter? Maybe he'll rape my mother and force me to use my own shirt to clean up the blood and tears. This guy is literally capable of anything. I better keep my mouth shut and nervously nod in approval."

Outside of a bitchin owner, the Nets look to be a team that's gonna make some noise in the future. It's better to grab hold now while no one respects them as a legitimate NBA franchise.

As always, thanks for the questions, queers. I'm gonna go watch a Bostonian's version of hardcore pornography. A boxing movie with Mark Wahlberg shirtless, legally beating the shit out of a fuck ton of black guys. Happy Friday fucksticks.

Send all Friday Fun Bag(s) questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 10

2011-02-17T20:34:00.000-05:00

"Call me David Bowie........one more fucking time."

You know who can cram a cactus up their ass? Fuckin airlines. In about a month I'll be heading to London to visit my wanker brother and we decided we're gonna hop a flight to Ireland for St. Patty's day. Fuckin unreal...I know. Except Justin booked the flight for the wrong day. The morning of the original flight to Ireland we'll still be on a plane heading for London. He booked the flight, realized it was wrong then 5 minutes later tried to change it to the correct date. That 5 minute mistake doubled the cost of our flight to Ireland. Get fucked airlines. You fucking trolls are such scam artist cock swallowing queens and I hope you piss bloody shit for the rest of your lives for trying to fuck over 3 good people because of a 5 minute error. I feel better. On with the questions...

In the spirit of recent posts, I must ask. If you had one video game character to help you eradicate the eventual zombie uprising who would it be and why?...Discuss.

-Snoz

I like what you did here Snoz. You sandwiched my love for old school video games in with my zombie obsession. Well played sir. After careful consideration I'm gonna say...Leon S. Kennedy from the Resident Evil series, for obvious reasons. Even if he slightly resembles that queen Justin Bieber, anyone that can successfully survive through a multitude of zombie attacks is a must have on your side. I'll tell you who I WOULDN'T contact. I definitely would not recruit either of the guys from Bad Dudes. I wouldn't want them trying to suck the dicks of every zombie that approached them. I don't know who had the idea that mesh tank tops were bad ass, but let me be the first to squelch that theory. If two homosexual street fighters are all that stands between me and a zombie apocalypse then I'm swallowing a bullet...for my own good.

If the NFL does lockout next year and I gave you a gun with one bullet, who are you killing? DeMaurice Smith or Ginger Goodell? Basically, who do you blame more for ruining such a great thing (in the future)?

-G$

In a shocking twist I would turn the gun on myself. After proclaiming amongst the sports blogs in a boisterous manner about how confident I was there would be no lock out, I wouldn't have the sack to own up to my gross miscalculation of this situation. Plus no NFL would mean no fantasy football. Just the thought of that makes me contemplate swallowing a fist full of Klonopin. But before I paint the walls with my own grey matter, I would video tape myself sperming Roger Goodell in the style of a Peter North facial. This way I could know that my last act here on earth would have been to eternally humiliate the one person responsible for the death of an industry that makes more money than any other industry...minus porn. Fuck that greedy ass red headed pussy.

Every month for the past year, Dick Rod has received an allowance from David Brandon. Let's assume that he had no prior money (not a stretch considering all the litigation this guy has been through) and only kept what he "earned" from the University of Michigan. He spends half of that year's earnings on hookers, 1/3 of the remaining money on hairspray for his wife Rita and then 1/4 of that remaining money on recruits from Ohio (who didn't sign with him anyway). After all of that was spent, he had $7,777 left in the bank. Assuming that he ONLY has money from his year's worth of allowance, how much money did he earn each month? If you come up with the right answer, Jeds is on me next week.

-Douchelord Brady

Until Brady stops dragging his neanderthal OSU knuckles on the ground and branches out to something other than DickRod jokes (that don't even really apply anymore since that crotch stain has been permanently removed from my life), he will be known as Douchelord Brady...thanks The Money Shot! Maybe if you spent less time mashing your cock to pictures of Jim Tressel blowing E. Gordon Gee and Paul Keels hammer fisting Jim Lachey's asshole you could come up with something a little more clever than outdated Dick Rod jokes. My answer is a steamy, corn infused shit log produced by me...waiting for you on your living room coffee table. Enjoy...it's home made.

That's about all I have from planet awesome...also known as my bedroom. I'm gonna go attempt to make it through Avatar without wanting to harm myself in a way that prevents me from ever fathering kids. Happy Friday fuck sticks.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Game Time! The Sequel.

2011-02-16T17:29:00.001-05:00

There's a reason Ninjas don't abduct our leaders anymore.

Due to the overwhelming positive reaction to my last video game post...and due to the underwhelming amount of interesting shit happening in the sport world, why don't we rape this dead horse carcass one more time and talk more video games? This time I'll give you the top 5 best action-adventure games of all time. Keep in mind that there is no real solid platform here. I'm just kinda wingin' it. After all, if you really think about it you could put any game in the "action-adventure" category. You know what? Fuck it. I just changed my mind. Top 5 best action-adventure original Nintendo games of all time. Yeah. I like that better.

5. Mega Man 2 - I'm not one for saying that the original is always the best. Mega Man 2 was easily the best game in this abused video game series. I especially loved the logic behind naming the mini bosses that Mega Man had to beat in order to get better weapons.

"Umm...this guy throws fire out of his arm. What should we call him?"

*nervous clamoring around the room*

"I GOT IT! *dramatic pause* Fire Man!"

*room erupts in approval*

"Ok...now this guy who throws ice out of his arm...seems tougher. Concentrate dammit!"

A room of the smartest video game minds on the planet and that's the best they can come up with? Fuckin Fire Man? I'm surprised Mega Man wasn't originally called Blue Man, or gay dude wearing a skin tight blue package cupping suit that a retarded street performer would wear...Man.

4. Metal Gear - Solid Snake might be the coolest video game character ever made. Snake made it seem okay to stick your dick inside a Vietnamese hooker. He walked around with a 3 pound bulge in his camos and choked bitches out with his cock muscle. Name me another person that can successfully hide inside a cardboard box while smoking cigs? The broken English translation in this game almost outshined the game play. "I feel sleepy....I feel asleep." Fuckin Asians...

3. Paperboy - Every ten year old's dream. Assault the neighborhood with rolled up newspapers. When I was an actual paperboy back in the day, there was a group of about 15 houses that didn't get their paper for a week straight because of this game. I felt that heaving papers at bird baths, stray bicycles, old people and trash cans was a much better situation for everyone. Half those pricks didn't deserve papers anyway...ratting out a ten year old. Fuckin hags.

2. The Legend of Zelda - Everyone knows the story. Ganon (not Rich), Link, the TriForce, Princess Zelda, the Master Sword, the gang bang on Zelda as the credits roll...oh, wait. That last part never actually happened. Was anyone else confused as to why Link never got a piece of Zelda's royal snatch? Link didn't have to be pissed...I was pissed for him. I mean, Christ...he saved Hyrule for fuck's sake. You can't even flash Link a tit or let him finger bang you for 12 seconds? That's probably all it would have taken to get him off anyway since he was probably about thirteen years old. A thirteen year old kid saves your ass and you can't even fondle his gennies for a little bit?? What a selfish prude.

1. Contra - Please. Like any other game comes close. I'm pretty sure the 30 lives code has officially been added the the US citizenship test. If you can't rattle this code off when asked you should be fucking deported. Everything about this game was tits. Except the "F" gun. If I ever accidentally picked up the "F" gun...which I'm positive stood for "Fucking worst gun in the game"...I was sure to commit instant suicide. I'm mildly upset I wasn't able to actually stick the barrel of that worthless fucking piece of shit into my character's mouth and pull the trigger. I would much rather throw rocks left handed at my enemies than use that emotionally crippling gun. It was useless. Using that gun in front of your friends was a lot like showing up to an 8th grade pool party wearing a Speedo. Just embarrassing.

Honorable Mentions

Metroid - I put it down here because at the end you find out you were a chick the whole time. What bra burning lesbian was behind that idea?

Ninja Gaiden - Lost some points with me because it looked like Ryu was wearing a blue pillow case on his head. Plus the ninety zillion backflips was a little overkill.

Double Dragon - The first game where I can remember a hint of soft core pornography. Being nine and catching a glimpse of digital underwear pussy (when the chick gets sucker punched in the gut and thrown over some thug's shoulder during the opening scene) for the first time is an exciting event in a young boy's life. These memories stick with you.

Bad Dudes - When ninjas attack...they attack hard. They hit the homeland where it hurts and target the one guy Americans can't afford to lose...the President. We all know in times like these the military is fucking useless against President abducting ninjas. So what's the alternative?? The two baddest dudes we could find...wearing mesh tank tops...and leather pants...who both have flat tops. Blond flat tops. And suck each other's dicks. In all honesty this was a shit game...but the single most hilarious story line ever birthed from the mind of an Asian game maker. Unintentional comedy always gets an honorable mention.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 9

2011-02-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

"What are you gonna do brother? When Hoke-a-mania runs wild on you?"

Two days ago I was at work and sat down on the John to grease out what used to be McDonald's breakfast. Clean launch, solid flight plan, flawlessly executed exit strategy...overall a successful mission. It wasn't until 2 hours later where things started unraveling. Long story short, the toilet at work was clogged but not because of my 3 pound turd fetus. It was something worse. What is my point outside of the fact that I like to talk about my bowel movements a lot? The point is this...first, you really don't notice how important your work toilet is until you're without one for a day and a half. I had to shit at a neighboring Quizno's today. I might as well have rubbed my bare ass on the bare ass of the next person that walked through that door. It was gross...but necessary. Second, nothing gets you horny quite like the satisfaction of digging out 200 used tampons out of a drainage system at 2PM...the "something worse" I was referring to. For once I actually felt bad for the plummer. Let's go Friday!

There are two certainties in my life: 1. Every time that I'm drinking at a decent clip, at least an ounce of the sweet, sweet booze will end up on my clothes. And 2. Same thing as before but with salsa at a Mexican restaurant. It never fails and the wife has banned me from wearing a white shirt when we go out for tacos/burritos. And that is the problem because salsa and alcohol are both delicious. Do I even have a question here? Nope, but I'm going to allow it.

-G$

Here's the deal. I love me some Mexican food. After I eat it I almost embrace the diarrhea that's sure to follow (see? more poop references). But as much as I love it, I'm always apprehensive to actually go to an authentic place and eat. Here's why. I am a firm believer that Mexicans hate white guys. Not white people...white dudes. Just like I believe that every time I eat at a Chinese buffet I honestly presume that at any moment a kung-fu brawl will erupt. And at some point a paper mache wall will be caved in to reveal the clan's boss counting money at a hulking oak desk. Don't ask questions! I just do, okay? This is why I'm always on my best behavior at both establishments.

I've been to Mexican eateries with people who commit the cardinal sin. They try to use whatever broken Spanish they learned from a crusty old white bitch in a Spanish class they barely passed 8 years ago. Hey Mexican dude. Excuse me, you don't mind if I make a complete mockery of your language and culture as you walk away to fetch my food and be my servant for the evening do you? Right...didn't think so. Meanwhile, Jose is kindly lifting up your margarita glass from the counter with his bare butt cheeks as Carlos roasts a wet fart on your case-a-dilla. Something to keep in mind before you ask your server how you say "fist pound your fudge tunnel" in Spanish...the establishment always has the upper hand. I hope that answered the question you didn't ask. Oh yeah, wear a fuckin bib you slob...and it's okay because at 2am everyone has beer or urine on them somewhere.

You can only pick one of the following sideline reporters...who do you take?

1. Erin Andrews

2. Shannon Spake

3. Alex Flanagan

4. Suzy Kolber

5. None of the Above

-Snoz

Pick for what? To fuck? To armwrestle? To hit with a sock full of quarters? I'm gonna go ahead and assume pick based on physical prowess. Well, Erin Andrews is clearly the hottest out of all these ladies. I would watch that woman take a piss through a glory hole in a truck stop bathroom in Little Rock. Unless you're Joe Namath and you're crushed on a fifth of Maker's Mark. Then you would probably want Suzy Kolber even though she looks like she's a heavy Marlboro Red smoker and looks like she's stoned out of her face. I guess you would need to be wrecked on whiskey to want any part of your body anywhere near that woman. I would prefer cramming my tongue into a blender. I'm almost offended that she's on this list. Erin Andrews is my answer. Just to be sure I should probably check out that peeper video shot at that hotel again.............

Yep, still incredibly hot. Final answer.

Clown Shoes,

I noticed that Drew Magary also has a feature titled "Funbag." Have you made any plans to avenge his stealing of your idea? Also, if you had the opportunity to kiss Suzy Kolber how do you think you would approach it? Would you grab her boob (over the shirt, of course) or do you find that to be too forward for a first kiss with a woman you don't know?

-Nick

Plotting as we speak. All I can tell you is that involves a rubber vagina, nine batteries, a hand crank, cock shots of Brett Favre, a lock of Anderson Varejao's pubic wig and a few mood candles. That's all I can reveal at this time.

I feel I've been pretty clear. Anything sexual + Suzy Kolber = physical nausea. Unless of course you multiply by massive amounts of alcohol and subtract your self respect. Once I was in black out mode it would definitely be a hate fuck with intentions of tearing something...on her or myself. Preferably myself. She's more gross than inside thigh leg fat that looks like a false vagina if viewed from the right angle.

I have started to notice that Brady Hoke refuses to put the words "Ohio" and "State" together when referring to the top dawg in the Big Ten. Do you think it is a lame attempt to diss the Buckeye's or is he just that stupid? 2637 by the way.

-Brady

Wisconsin. Wisconsin is the top dawg in the Big 10. Thought I would start off by correcting you there. You're welcome. Well, to answer your question...first eat my shit. Second, you're not allowed to move in when I finally snap and burn your house down. Finally, I was unaware that the homosexual gang bang you participated in reached 2,637 men. That's pretty incredible and something to be proud of. I hope you called Guinness the first time around since recreating that scene would have to be mentally crippling. I bet tennis balls could fall out of your ass without touching the sides of your b-hole. Yep...I just went there.

Alright kids...it's getting late for this geezer so I'm gonna wrap this up quick. Thanks for the questions and make sure those shitters are up to par or run the risk of buffing asses with complete strangers. Happy Friday assholes. Send all questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com.

Game Time! Hoouah!

2011-02-08T15:53:00.000-05:00

"BOOM! Look at my fingers! They're made of sausage!!"

Just recently I retired my video game controllers most likely for good. I just couldn't handle the complexity of video games anymore. When one video game series produces 8 different versions of the same shit and plays it off like it's 8 different games, that's where you lose me. You can fool the 300 pound 14 year old crotch stain, but you cannot fool me. Not to mention how fuckin long it takes to beat these games. You need a God damn PhD to make it even half way through. Unless you're a huge loser who would rather tard out in front of a TV for 18 hours a day than know what it's like to feel the warmth of the inside of a vagina, you know what I'm talking about. There comes a point where a shit ton of technology can be bad. We're there with video games. So I started reminiscing and began thinking about the best sports games I've ever played. This is what I came up with.

5. Tecmo Bowl

What made it awesome: Three words. Bo Fucking Jackson. I can't figure out what the more euphoric feeling was...Bo running for 11 touchdowns in one game or literally feeling the rage of your opponent bubble over after watching Jackson shed off 14 tackles in one possession...which was about standard. Watching any player, in general, break tackles was fantastic. You couldn't figure out if the ball carrier was being raped or mugged as the two pixilated masses sat isolated down the field in an awkward humping motion. Looks like Roethlisberger was a couple decades too late. Tecmo Bowl is how I learned where babies come from.

Where it fell short: Who on earth, other than Brian Daboll, operates out of a 4 play playbook? It was like I was in Junior High football all over again. I know it was the 1980's where cocaine and simplicity ruled, but seriously! Two running plays and two passing plays?? Unless of course you were the 49ers and their 17 player WR corp. I'm pretty sure they ran 9 wide formations. Additionally, a cute little defensive wrinkle was if your opponent successfully guessed which play you ran, the ending result was a 43 man blitz by the defense. A 25% chance to pile drive my running back dick first into the turf was completely uncalled for.

4. NHL '95

What made it awesome: It made me tolerate hockey, that's what! A game that can make a lifelong hockey hater actually enjoy anything hockey related deserves a spot in the top 5. This was also the first game that introduced me to create-a-players. The result was the birth of budding hockey stars like Fuck Stick, Huge Ass, Felter Snatch and Richard Head...all of which are in the NHL '95 Hall of Fame. Injuries also took a gruesome turn for the incredible in this game. When a player was seriously injured, they laid on the ice with a compound fracture in their leg with something oozing out that closely resembled an animal's afterbirth. Now THAT'S revolutionary.

Where it fell short: That motherfucking wrap around goal! Fuck! Was there anything more impossible to stop and anything more infuriating in video game history? I can't be too pissed though because I was surgical with that move yet failed to keep my composure when executed properly against me. In my years of hockey dominance, no one was able to pull off the wrap around better than my brother Josh. I can safely say that more than one Sega Genesis controller saw an early grave because of it.

3. Mike Tyson's Punchout

What made it awesome: Everything. From the super awkward introduction dances, to the lame as fuck shit talk in between rounds, to the mega-star induced uppercut that could liquefy your opponents nutsack. Just a classic game from start to finish. Also, looking back...doesn't Don Flamenco look a lot like Quagmire from Family Guy? He always came off to me as a raging homosexual...back before I really knew what gay was. Something always struck me as...different with him. Sub question: Did Glass Joe ever win a match? In his career, that guy has to be about 0-7,000.

Where it fell short: I could never beat it. Mike Tyson always pummeled my ass as if I were a mouthy hooker talkin back to him. I guess I should be lucky the game never raped my b-hole or bit off any of my body parts. And the pink jogger outfit that Mac wore...at least it looked pink to me. What the fuck was that all about? Nothing screams cock strong young boxer working toward a heavyweight title belt like an off shoot of fuchsia.

2. NBA Jam

What made it awesome: Dunking from the 3 point line and giving your opponent salty sacked lunch. No other sports game inspired young morons, like myself, to do idiotic shit like this game did. After watching Chris Mullin dunk from 18 feet out, how could I NOT set up the trampoline under my parents 10 foot rim and crack my skull on the rim while dunking from 20 feet in the air? Even after writing that sentence it still seems perfectly logical. The best was being "on fire". It's cool, bro. I'll just rain buckets from 40 feet all night while you try and snap your Genesis controller in half over your knee out of sheer frustration. You know what "on fire" means, right? It means I could jack it up from the parking lot if I wanted and my jumper's still wet.

Where it fell short: Easy. No Michael Jordan. Talk about a colossal disappointment playing that game for the first time. Who wants to play 2 on 2 with Ho Grant and his imitation James Worthy rec specs coupled with Scottie "the nose" Pippen? Was there a worse NBA Jam duo in the history of the game? I argue nay. Maybe if the Lakers elected to go with Kurt Rambis and Luke Walton in a throwback NBA Jam game. That team would make a run at eclipsing the shittiness of that NBA Jam Chicago team. No Michael Jordan...what a fuckin selfish prick. Sounds like something LeBron would do. The dreams of that many teenagers hasn't been crushed like that since mom and dad bought the box that scrambled out the late night soft core Cinemax porn.

1. Madden '92

What made it awesome: It took a good football game concept (Tecmo Bowl) and made it great. This game started it all for Madden nerds. We were introduced to football with injuries, different moves, an expanded playbook and a better angle to play the game at. How great was the ambulance that plowed through the huddle? Some dude breaks his leg from getting rolled up on and needs to get carted off by the ambulance, yet a vehicle plowing through your defensive secondary does zero damage. Love it.

Where it fell short: Two fold. First, player names and team names were omitted. I know they didn't have the license to use that shit but come on man! This was 1992! What was the problem here? I mean, we knew who these guys were based on their numbers and player attributes, but Americans don't like anything half assed. We wanted to see Cunningham on the back of that jersey, not QB#12. Second, they made the spin move a little too indestructible. Once again, another game Josh ruined for me via Neal Anderson and his unstoppable spin move of justice. It wasn't a football move for Neal...it was a fucking mutant power. It took all eleven to bring him down.

There was one play...I'll never forget it. It forced me into early retirement. Josh was the Bears and I was the Eagles. I had Anderson bottled up in the backfield for about a 4 yard loss until Josh punched the magical spin button as Anderson shot to the right. I instantly changed players to Reggie White and tried caving Anderson's knee caps in with all that I had. As I was doing that, Josh blasts the spin again. The cosmic force of both actions hitting at the same time shot Anderson 20 yards backwards as he was still spinning. He didn't go down. Once Anderson recovered I frantically started using every defender I could get to start blindly lunging at the pirouetting Anderson. Fifty yards later and about seventy broken tackles later, Josh was red faced with laughter as Anderson danced in the endzone and as I wondered how much it would cost to replace the TV I was about to heave my controller at. I haven't played since. Thanks Josh.

Honorable Mentions:

Baseball Simulator 1.000 - You could blow a guy up by beaning him with a fastball. I don't think I need any other reason why this game was sweet.

Double Dribble - The 360 jump shot is something every player should have in their repertoire. Plus you have to love basketball video games where white guys have 60" verticals.

The NHL Hitz and NFL Blitz series - Or otherwise known as regular football for James Harrison and regular hockey for Chris Pronger.

Jordan Vs. Bird - Most of us only liked it for the dunk contest. Little did we know how Jordan would crush our video game spirits in the 90's.

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater/Shaun Palmer's Pro Snowboarder - The video game version of free basing crack. I've seen people fail out of college because of this game. 100% true.

There it is. My list of the best sports games ever made. Now you know what to get me if you're looking for any last minute birthday or Christmas gift ideas. Feel free to add your own input. Any questions for Fun Bag(s) Friday send to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com.

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol 8

2011-02-02T22:55:00.000-05:00

"How many Jews does it...what?? No, no, no...it's not racist if I make the puppet say it."

Fuckin slackers. You guys really screwed the pooch on this one. Fun Bag(s) Friday will only be one question today but I guess it kinda works out because I haven't had a mail in post in awhile. It's only fair. I don't think I could be less excited for this. I'll be better next week...

Have you ever seen that one movie with Mel Gibson where he doesn't try to exterminate the Jews, What Women Want? I haven't but I've seen enough of it through commercials to know that Mel has some sort of weird thing where he can hear what women think. I used to believe that this would be an awesome feature to have. But the older I get, the less appealing it sounds. I don't want to hear my wife criticizing me for digging into the jar of peanut butter M&M's or what she thinks at my hilarious attempts at "game". Women are bitches, why would anyone want to know what they are internally saying about you? Do you agree? Keep in mind, if you disagree, Mel Gibson is going to choke you out.

-G$(OH)

Jesus Christ...I'm gonna have to start condensing these questions. Let me absorb this for a second... First G$, I don't watch queer fuckin movies like What Women Want. I'm too busy punching holes through cows, breaking land speed records and jumping up to slap stuff when I'm walking. Stuff that men do. Second, it doesn't take a piece of cinematic petrified horse shit of a movie for me to know the answer to "What Women Want". What do women want? I'll tell you. They want for men to take out the trash for them (90% of which is probably theirs), then bitch about how it wasn't done fast enough or with enthusiasm. They want to make subtle changes to themselves that will certainly go unnoticed so they can moan about how we "don't pay attention". They want to walk out of a movie 5 minutes into it then come back 40 minutes later and have you explain what they missed. Basically they want to drive us fucking crazy and they're awesome at it. I can just feel my hair falling out when it happens.

Totally agree though. This would be an awful thing to have happen. The last thing I want is to mentally hear all of the criticisms my significant other has about me. No one wants to hear what their partner honestly thinks about most things relationship related. If my past girlfriends could have heard the shit that I was thinking half the time most of those relationships would have lasted only a few days. I guess I would have been doing myself a favor with most of them. Thank God I agreed. Mel Gibson chokin me out fueled by Jew hate would be catastrophic...because Mel Gibson Jew hate is the hatiest hate. Who knows what that man is capable of when his Holocaust meter is in the red.

Fuck you assholes. I hate you all more than Lamar Odom's Star Trek forehead. But it's not all your fault...I feel like we let each other down. It takes two to use a double jelly anal dildo. Let's move past this and work for a better Fun Bag(s) Friday. Send all questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com. Happy Friday fuck sticks.

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 7

2011-01-27T10:58:00.000-05:00

"God Dammit this moustache is fucking magnificent. I'll name it Patrick."

Let's talk farts. Call me childish but nothing really sets the mood for the day quite like a good old fashioned butt clap. The only thing that makes me more happy than duck calls from my bed is eating just terrible crap in front of fat people who are clearly trying to lose weight. Drink it in fatty. I can eat cookies and you can't. Most times I make sex sounds to really drive home what they're missing. Anyway, unbutton your pants, kick your feet up and rip your beefiest butt trumpet because it's Fun Bag(s) Friday bitches. Oh yeah...just found out Jeff Fisher was fired. How ironic because this first question is about.......

I am under the impression that Jeff Fisher is in reality, a giant douche. Based on this statement and the fact that Colt McCoy may be Tom Brady in the press room but Brady Quinn (the last two games) on the field...do the Browns approach Vince Young?

-Matt (trying not to slap Patriot fans in New England)

Well, you're correct on one front. Fisher is a Brontosaurus sized douche. Any person that chooses a moustache on purpose is, by rule, a Megadouche unless they are A) growing it as a Halloween costume B) growing strictly for comedy purposes or C) named Burt Reynolds.

I think it's a little too early to infect McCoy's confidence with the classic Cleveland ire. Also, keep in mind that Quinn was born a loser and chose to make himself a worse player/human by picking Notre Dame. That's why people choose Notre Dame...because they aspire to suck at football as well as life...also, Buttfucking Alter Boys 101 isn't offered on any other campus. Everyone thought that with Quinn, the magical breast milk of Charlie Weis was a potent enough nectar to negate the overwhelming sucking power of the Irish. Let that be a lesson to you world. Not even snacking on the sour milk from Weis' leathery teet can mask the thick stench that is Notre Dame football.

First, I have to acknowledge the obvious. This isn't the first time a rich white guy chased a black guy out of the state of Tennessee. Only in the south would they choose a 78 year old white QB over a twenty something black QB with waaaaaaay more talent. Having said that, Vince Young is a disease. Any team that signs him is sure to wither and die as a result. Not because he doesn't have skills, but because he's less emotionally stable than Gary Busey. Anyone who half asses a suicide attempt to get attention is an enormous red flag for this guy. Plus he's a bitch. And since Mike Holmgren appears to be a pretty smart fella, I would say there's a better chance of me fucking a rat trap than Holmgren chasing after Young. But if for some tragic reason if the Browns did sign Young? I would have a blank, emotionless stare painted on very similar to the first few seconds of someone pie facing me with a handful of their own shit.

Does Joe Dumars even have a plan? Over paying Charlie V and Ballhog Gordon have turned out to be bad moves. The Rip MASSIVE contract is unmovable and now he's nothing more than a Scot Pollard on your bench. Tayshaun Prince is a corpse. Seriously, what is his end game? What is he trying to do? Because the way I see it, this team isn't going to the playoffs anytime soon but they aren't bad enough to have good odds in the lotto (which he would probably fuck up anyway by taking some weirdo from Europe).

-G$ (OH)

Joe Dumars has taken this team hostage. The city of Detroit is at threat level orange. He isn't the President I thought he was and he thinks the title from 2004 still means something. Guess what...it doesn't. 2004 might as well be 1984. I'll be honest...I never forgave Dumars for passing on Carmelo in the draft and I don't think I ever will. You don't pass up blue chips. Ever. Even with a loaded gun held to your balls by Michael J. Fox, you don't. That's like someone in your office handing you a briefcase with a million dollars in it but you kindly deny the gesture and say, "You go ahead and give those once in a lifetime riches to someone else, pal. I'll go ahead and grab the next "will never happen again" opportunity that will materialize when I grow utters and get milked. Even though the case you're holding clearly states "This is your only chance to become rich for absolutely nothing" I'm sure I won't be waiting forever for my second chance." I didn't even listen to the explanation as to why they took Milicic over Melo because outside of "Milicic hasn't missed a single shot in his career and he farts chocolate dust", nothing was going to make sense to me.

I don't even recognize this team anymore. I firmly believe that no...he doesn't have a plan. Unless his plan was to sign 17 aging power forwards/shooting guards who can't play together, give them all horrific back breaking contracts that would make Dan Snyder chuckle and sit there drooling on the crotch of his jeans instead of trading players that are obviously enhancing the downward spiral that is Pistons basketball. If that was the plan all along then let me be the first to apologize because sir, the plan is a well oiled machine in its current state.

I'm pretty convinced Dumars' end game is to purposely make savagely idiotic moves until he's fired, then act out the "Who's comin with me?!" scene from Jerry Macguire as security escorts him out. That is after they've tazered his butthole and pepper sprayed his nude coin purse.

Oh knowledger of all things sporty...I am a fan of football; that is to say, soccer. While I am aware that this is somewhat looked down upon on this side of the Atlantic Ocean, is it acceptable when questioned to simply inform those pondering my seemingly odd choice of athletic entertainment that "I'm from Cleveland" and leave it a that? Thanks for your sagely advice

-Ye Olde Guru of Music (OH)

You know soccer is for gay people right? Just kidding...kind of. I just can't get into a sport where the whole point is to just run around in tiny shorts for 2 hours. I can do that myself by robbing a liquor store or by punching a drunk Marine in the dick...or a sober Marine for that matter. Don't judge my tiny shorts a-hole. I think the natural reaction with your "I'm from Cleveland" explanation would be two fold.

First, they would probably say something like, "Well, it makes sense. The Browns haven't been good since the Reagan administration, I forgot the Indians still had a team and the Cavs are in the midst of completing the most glorious free fall from glory in the history of the sport. Soccer is safe. Soccer can't hurt you. Soccer is the math nerd who you get into a relationship with because you're tired of the aggressive boyfriends that rough you up then hate fuck you when they're half in the bag. But not soccer. You can boss soccer around. You can make soccer get you tampons at 3 am when you're not even on your bleeder. You can make soccer do whatever the hell you want and never have to worry about him hurting you in any way because let's be honest. How much can you really emotionally invest in a sport for gay people?"

Second. "Holy shit! A Cleveland native that's still alive!! Here I was under the impression that all people from Cleveland killed themselves in a mass suicide after Lebron left town. You have to be one of the last surviving members of that city. You're a fuckin artifact! Lemme ask you something...is it like I am Legend when you actually travel the barren wasteland that used to inhabit real walking talking humans? How close did you actually come to offing yourself? Wait..don't answer that. Wow. A real Clevelander. It's my lucky day. Hey...you know the Cavs have lost 17 straight games and have the worst record in the NBA, right? Hey....What are you doing with that machete?"

We are now heading into the "no mans land" of the sports calendar. February is hands down the worst month for watchable sporting events. It's nothing but NBA regular season games (I would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty razor blade than watch the NBA) and college basketball. Ohio St. is even #1 right now and I still have trouble getting myself excited for their games. Do you agree that February is the worst month or is there another time of the year you think is worse?

-Brady (OH)

I'm gonna disagree with you here Brady. February does make me a little restless but nothing compares to April through August. Fuck! I get crabby just writing it down. Right after March Madness is over, we have the tail end of the NBA (which I don't mind) coupled with hockey and the start of fuckin baseball's drawn out torturous season. Then, from June until August there's nothing but baseball. The thought of that makes me want to mash my genitals between two cutting boards or lick an albino's armpit. I would rather sip stomach bile out of a pickled skunk uterus than endure a baseball game. I'm sorry. Baseball sucks ass. Forever.

Alright queers. That about does it. Good hustle this week. I'm proud of you guys. You all get a pat on the ass from me. Keep sending those questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com. If you need me I'll be in the bathroom checking my shorts for shit nuggets. That last fart felt a little wet.

Shitburgers For All!!!

2011-01-25T17:59:00.000-05:00

"I don't know. Worst place looks pretty sweet through my dumb fucking hand gesture."

Don't worry. I'm not writing about Jay Culter or his over publicized pussy. That story has been mutilated so badly that a DNA test would be needed to identify the corpse. But for the record, he is walking vagina skin and the minute the Bears put in Collins/Hanie they would have been better off just waving the white flag. Don't worry Jay, you'll have other shots to make the Super Bowl. Just ask Dan Marino.

Alas, to my post. Today, even though we are still technically in football season, I choose to go basketball on that ass. Let me start off by saying...you deserve this. To 99.999999999% of the fan base: using hot sauce will help enhance the flavor of the shit sandwich you're currently enjoying. Before I start, I feel the need to single out Jen Monroe. Dear Jennifer. Everything I'm about to say...none of it applies to you. You are the only decent Cavalier fan I've met...ever. You're the only one I truly feel bad for. You don't deserve this friend. I feel better now. To the rest of you.

Fuck off. You knew this was coming. I mean, I'll be honest and say that I really thought the Cavs would at least have a pulse this year and somehow be in a position to slime their way into the 8th spot like Detroit did a few years back. But Jesus Christ! How awesome is our current reality that the Cavalier's suck level is reaching historic highs? Remember last year how you couldn't pay a Cavs fan to shut the fuck up? Remember how the fan base multiplied like cockroaches as the win total increased? Remember this year how they have the worst record in basketball and are currently on a 17 game losing streak? Remember how I just got half a stock writing that sentence down? Remember how that team is going to be a grease fire in a prostitute's vagina for the next decade, at least?

I'll be honest. Sometimes, when I'm depressed, I turn on STO and watch about 30 minutes of a Cavs game. All it takes is 30 short minutes to lift the depression of whatever is bothering me that day. Is that wrong? Fuck no it isn't. Why? Because I enjoy bathing in the misery of asshole fans who know where the line is but intentionally cross it just to be a douche. All of the loud mouths should have appreciated what they had and saved the hardcore shit talk until the team actually won something. I'm happy for two reasons. First, I can hear the emptiness in Austin Carr's voice. His cock just doesn't erect the same way when he awkwardly fumbles through the most retarded catch phrases in the history of sport. Lebron throwing the hammer down compared to Jamison, or that queer Hickson throwing the hammer down just doesn't have the same feel to it. Carr would still shine Hickson's johnson though. Carr is like the guy who is fucking his wife but just wants it to be over. It warms my soul to hear the defeat in his drunken hobo voice.

Second, there isn't a legitimate NBA player on that roster. It looks like a fucking D-League team. Quick...who would start on a title contender right now from Cleveland's team...shit, even the starting five? Refrain from making an argument because the answer is zero. Remember how Mo Williams was an All-Star one year as an alternate and Cavs fans lost their fucking minds because he wasn't an original selection? Now that Lebron is gone we get to see all of those guys in their natural playing habitat and we finally see how terrible they are. It's easy to knock down wide open 3's when Lebron gets quadruple teamed every time he touches the ball. Not too many wide open shots for "All-Star" Mo Williams when the biggest threat on the team is a mid-30 power forward who has the worst shot selection ever. And I don't care that Mo Williams is hurt. He's looked shitty even when he was healthy.

So far this has been a pretty tolerable year of basketball. And you know what? You can shut it because I know the Pistons are bad too. But guess what...they're better than the Cavs so you can all eat my shit. Not to mention that Detroit will matter again much sooner than the Cavs will. I'll make that bet with anyone. I wouldn't be shocked if Gilbert said "fuck it" and just turned that franchise into a WNBA team since they're already half way there. But the best part is that it couldn't have happened to a more deserving fan base. The stench of eroding hopes and dreams spilling from the northeast is a comfort that has the power to cure terminal disease. And I'm soaking up every last fuckin second of it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a Cavalier. I'd stay away from the bathroom for at least 45 minutes. Thanks for the closer, LaRiccia.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 6

2011-01-19T20:58:00.000-05:00

"Now I'm done! No...for real. I'm done. Literally. I'm retiring."

Quick. Name me five things better than a "no wipe" shit. You can't off the top of your head. You really have to think about it to find five things that really bring excitement like the Ghost Wipe. No wipers are great but you always have to do a protocol wipe. Even if you're 99% sure you nailed it, it's far too careless to leave to chance. In my book anyway. Does anyone have the balls to successfully pull of the renegade Ghost Wipe? That's my question to you readers. Dare you attempt the renegade Ghost Wipe poopie? I want details from the bravehearts willing to attempt this dangerous stunt. On with the questions.

Ok, since you did such a good job answering my first question concerning fantasy football (it was the first ever question in your mailbag), here’s a second one. By the way, I’m still emailing the final results from our pool to the dick that was giving me a hard time for winning. He appreciates it weekly. Who do you think is the most hated owner in pro sports? Snyder; Modell; Sterling; the list goes on and on, but each has a perfectly good reason to be hated. Who is at the top of your list?

-Andrew (OH)

Glad to help Andrew. I would also suggest texting him pictures of the money every month with a clever caption. Like, "I don't even need this...I'll probably just burn it." Or, "Your mom charges the same for a blowie." I mean...I'd do it.

Onto the question. Andrew...sweet innocent Andrew. It will forever more be Art Modell. Name me another owner who actually has a website created by fans who are eagerly waiting for him to die? Classless? Maybe. Deserving? You bet your sweet motherfucking ass it is. Modell is a living, breathing, walking colostomy bag who purposely attempted to rip away the only thing keeping a city alive. Not to get all mushy on you here but the Browns are literally the beating heart of Cleveland, Ohio. To understand that concept, then selfishly move the team is just like premeditating a murder, acting on it and getting away with it. His punishment should be to piss tiny shards of glass for eternity. Also, it should be mandated he watch Oprah masturbate with a can of Scrubbing Bubbles for at least 8 hours every day. May Art Modell rot in fucking hell.

Very impressive win by the Jets on Sunday...Even more impressive gymnastics skills by Braylon Edwards. At what point in the NFL do you start to put players on Homo suspicion? A single flip or numerous flips? Also, does it matter if they do a toe touch at the end? And do you think that this move will improve his chances at an MVP award?

-Tonya (OH)

Groundbreaking! We have our first question from a vagina...unless you count Brady...and I do count Brady. Congrats Tonya. Your prize for second place is getting bukkake'd by all of my male readers. I heard sperm is great for the skin. Anyway...Braylon is a straight fucking queer. Anything that guy does has a highly gay feel to it no matter what it is. That hobo beard he had wasn't for warmth. It was to catch the extra spank from the dick he just sucked so he could snack on it later. Any other male in any other sport can do a flip...or fuckin 30 flips. I don't give a shit. It's manly unless Braylon does it. He probably wears stilettos at home and bleaches his asshole. The day Braylon wins an MVP is the day I get a sex change.

After reading your last blog I have come to the conclusion that you hate ALL fans of every team, in every sport, with the exception of the teams that you root for. So, this question has multiple parts: Jared, since you see yourself as the best sports fan EVER, how should I act when rooting on my team and how much knowledge should I have of the team that I am rooting for? What is the appropriate level of shit talking that I may do to anyone that talks badly or roots against my favorite team? And finally, if ALL of my sports teams have been consistent losers over the past few years, can I also cry about how horrible other teams' fans are? On a side note: I concur that Jason Klear is that worst sports fan ever, so we do agree on something.

-Joe (OH)

I smell a Steeler fan on their period. You know...for a franchise that historically gets ALL the breaks and seems to have all the luck, you would be hard pressed to find a group of fans that bitches more than the Steeler fan. It's quite remarkable. You would think they pick in the top 10 of the draft every year. Just enjoy your success while it's still there. First, I will confirm that yes...I am the best sports fan ever. I believe we've established that fact thus far. For those of you who are new to this site...it is true. There is none greater. Forget it and I'll start breaking things you need. Second, I don't hate all fans...just most fans. Especially fake fans. If you're going to shit talk my favorite team, the least I ask in return is that you know more about your favorite team than I do. Especially if that team is the rival of the team I follow.

I guess the one thing that really jams my nads is when I'm having a conversation about sports with someone in a social setting, then some fucktard who can name 5 people on the team they cheer for stumbles into the middle of the argument and regurgitates what he heard on Mike and Mike that morning. If you're gonna enter the discussion, then be able to hold your own with original thoughts of your own. Don't wait for someone who's smarter than you to make a good point then sit back, point and say "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah. What he said." Fight your own battles. Know your shit...it's all I ask. And yes...bitching about other peoples favorite teams is a good way to forget how much your team sucks. I know because I do it every year.

Seriously, no joking and no homo, what the hell does Brady Quinn do now? I mean, he was the third string QB on the 4th worst team in the NFL this year. What does the future hold for "Now I'm done"?

-G$ (OH)

Easy. Redskins backup QB/potential starting QB. Wouldn't that just be more depressing than banning internet porn? As the fan of a team that gave up a draft pick to get Quinn I can say I wouldn't wish that upon anyone...not even Steeler fans. Eh....fuck that. Who am I kidding? They deserve that hemorrhoid. But in all honesty I see Quinn for sure getting traded in a desperate move to reclaim some sort of value Denver lost in giving up Hillis. There are still teams out there stupid enough to trade for Quinn then convert him into the team jock strap washer after week 5. Teams that would probably take him:

SanFrancisco - He's pretty feminine looking. Perfect fit for that city.

Oakland - As long as Al Davis owns that team everything is in play. EVERYTHING.

Dallas - Backup Jon Kitna just turned 112.

Indianapolis - They have to stop relying on Jim Sorgi clones as back ups at some point.

Tennessee - Kerry Collins died 6 years ago and Jeff Fisher really wants to be fired.

Arizona - Doesn't Quinn vs. Anderson 2.0 get you hard just thinking about it?

New Orleans - Because you can't be taken seriously when Mark Brunell is one injury away from taking the Saints to 0-16.

Thanks for the questions douchebags. Now go enjoy your Friday by drinking and making poor life choices. Now's a good time in your life to start up with hard narcotics. A little heroin never hurt anyone...what do those addiction shows know? Trust me...I'm a blogger.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Worst. Playoffs. Ever.

2011-01-18T15:45:00.000-05:00

"This is my raping face."

This blows. This blows geezer boners. Football is coming to a close and I can't even enjoy what's left of it. I hate every last team left in this year's playoffs and one of them has to win it. So what I'm going to do is give you a couple reasons why each team fucking sucks. Then I'll begrudgingly pick who I would be the most okay with winning it all. That's like getting to pick which fat girl you get to bang. No one wins.

Pittsburgh Steelers

1. They have the most obnoxious fans ever and being around them is just a horrible experience. You can't have one conversation with one Steeler fan. It's impossible. And I swear to God when someone bad mouths Pittsburgh it's like a fuckin dog whistle. They can hear that shit from 9 blocks away in the middle of a meteor shower. Instantly a gaggle of hillbillies in some type of flannel come galloping over and involve themselves in a conversation they weren't invited into. Most times they don't know shit either. They just stutter and mumble some retarded stat about Roethlisberger that means nothing. Then I make a snappy remark about rape. That usually shuts them up.

2. They have 6 rings. They have six rings and a seventh would lead me to do something drastic...just like I mentioned this past Saturday night. If the Steelers won a seventh ring you will most likely find me dead in a situation that will do the most damage to my character. Something like...hanging from the rafters of a garage...naked...with a boner...with pictures of animals fucking each other plastered all over the walls. I just can't handle a seventh ring. I can't. I won't.

New York Jets

1. Rex Ryan is a fuckin douche bag. I know G$ wants to fold up Sexy Rexy's neck skin and fuck it like a beat up vagina and when I bad mouth his bitch he gets angry...but fuck that guy. Ryan likes to hear himself talk more than Brett Favre does and it's annoying as fuck. You know that guy at the party that won't shut the fuck up about himself...the guy who cuts people off because his story's better...they guy who has done it bigger and better than anyone else on the planet...the guy you want to karate chop in the throat or balls? That's Rex Ryan.

2. Braylon Edwards should remain ringless for all eternity. This will be touched on later in the week but there are a handful of people who should remain without the luxury of being able to call themselves a champion and Braylon Fuckface Edwards is one of those people.

Green Bay Packers

1. I trashed them all year and if they pull it off I'm really gonna take it up the ass. That's right...this one's a little personal. This is a team I firmly believe should have been eliminated from the playoffs in the regular season. This is also a team that I've killed every round since getting into the playoffs. Now Rodgers is trying to make me look like a dick. Plus Ben Robbins and John Vajen are the most homer-blind Packer fans ever and don't deserve to celebrate a Super Bowl victory. Oh yeah...and Aaron Rodgers hates cancer survivors. What a prick. Who hates cancer survivors??

2. They lost to the Lions. I don't care that Rodgers was concussed in that game so save your sad bastard story. Rodgers was playing like a corpse before the concussion made him mildly retarded. Anyone who loses to the Lions does not deserve to be in the Super Bowl. Did I mention that Aaron Rodgers wants everyone who has cancer to die?

Chicago Bears

1. Jason Klear is probably the worst sports fan ever...or at least top 5. Jason Klear is a Bears fan and he deserves his favorite team to win a Super Bowl as much as Hitler deserved to be Time Man of the Year. It's true. Check it out. You mean....genocide is......bad??

2. Jay Cutler. Nothing would juice up my butthole more than Cutler being a Super Bowl champion. I've hated this guy for years and the thought of him being a champion makes me want to papercut my own piss hole. He just has that snotty, entitled look to him and is totally the guy who throws a fit on his 16th birthday party because he didn't get the Rolls he wanted from mommy and daddy. He also wets the bed and still uses a pacifier. You don't need to look those up. Trust me...it's true.

After careful deliberation I'm keeping my everything crossed for a Pittsburgh vs. Chicago Super Bowl with the Bears winning it all. That way I can still make some money off of the game in fantasy football playoffs and also get to watch the sad disappointment of Steeler fans...like someone took their moonshine bottle away from them. I can handle Cutler and Klear celebrating a Super Bowl by snowballing each other if it means I can win some loot in the process. But knowing my luck it will be Pittsburgh vs. Green Bay with "I'm killing myself no matter who wins" as the champion. That would just be bad for everyone. Who wins in that situation? Well, I'll be dead so I suppose America wins.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to me at jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 5 and A Neat Giveaway from www.allmodern.com!

2011-01-12T19:06:00.000-05:00

"I said take Gayle Sayers with the first pick God Damnit! We can't lose!!! Blaaaaahahahaha!!!"

Fuck yes, weekend! Once again we had a pretty weak showing with the questions, but a new questioner has joined the fun...which is encouraging. Props to the hardcore questioners...you know who you are. Two things before we start. First, it appears that you lucky bastards get a chance to win some discounts to some modern dining room furniture courtesy of how awesome I am. The website http://www.allmodern.com/ thinks you guys are worthy of a $35 gift card. Here's how it works. You read my crap, put a comment in the comment section, then I choose a lucky winner. You're welcome. Second...Hey Antonio Cromartie. Why don't you stick to what you're good at...raw dogging and impregnating any skank you can fill with your disgusting seed. Maybe you should spend less time shit talking Tom Brady and more time worrying about getting those child support payments in on time. I hope Brady floats 6 touchdowns over your loud, arrogant ass on Sunday...one for every bastard child you've fathered. I feel better. Speaking of the NFL...

With the 6th pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select:

a) Julio Jones

b) AJ Green

c) Trade

d) None of the above

Please discuss...

-Snoz (OH)

Fuck beans...good question Snoz. Bringing the heat early. I like it. Well, my initial pick was Justin Blackmon from Oklahoma State...but he's being a fuckin idiot and returning for his senior year. But that may be a blessing in disguise because rumor has it he's more nutty than squirrel turds. So even though I know Cleveland needs a legitimate #1 WR, I'm gonna get ballsy here and say D). None of the above and take Mark Ingram. I know, I know...we need a #1 WR and there are two NFL caliber #1 WRs right there for the taking. But Ingram is an absolute sledge hammer and he won't be there in the 2nd round. He's a horse, or possibly a mythical hybrid of a horse/rhino that's made out of bricks, then covered in cast iron, then covered in spikes...that shoot poison darts.

I watched Ingram a lot in college but even if I didn't, I saw enough SportsCenter to know how good he is. The guy is a walking highlight reel. I've watched Cleveland pass on so many stud running backs since I've been a fan and now it's time for me to be a little selfish. I have RB envy! I want a franchise running back motherfuckers!

Now I feel like I'm cheating on Hillis here but when I really think about it, as much as I like Hillis, I don't know if he can be a 30 carry a game guy. He fumbles, he gets banged up and he searches out people so he can run them over while pissing himself out of excitement. A back like that doesn't have a very long shelf life in the NFL. Plus Montario Hardesty has shown early that he's made of wet paper. Ingram is tough, durable and has speed to go along with a humongous body. Plus an Ingram/Hillis combo is exactly what the Browns need to A). compete in that division...especially in fucking terrible weather and B) help McCoy develop if he is going to be the answer in Cleveland. There is no better medicine for a young QB than a bitchin running game to lean on. Just ask rookie Roethlisberger/Flacco/Sanchez. My brain tells me A.J. Green, but my boner tells me Mark Ingram.

Where does Cam Newton go in the draft? Is Fairley #1 overall with a bullet now after last night?

-Matt (OH)

Oh. That's real easy Matt. When do the Raiders pick in the first round? That's where he'll go. As I wrote on gmoneysack@blogspot.com a few days ago, stop me if you've heard this one before. Super gifted, relatively unproven SEC quarterback with accuracy issues but has a bazooka for an arm and is loaded with athleticism. No thanks Jamarcus Russell 2.0. I'll give it 5 years before Cam Newton is fatter and more lazy than Albert Haynesworth. You know that Al Davis...and by Al Davis I mean the guy who is operating the strings from above that are attached to Davis' preserved lifeless corpse...has been rock hard at the thought of drafting Newton this year. You think I'm joking...but it's gonna happen. Check that...Raiders don't have a first round pick. So I'll modify my answer to the Raiders with their first pick in the second round...assuming the only other team retarded enough to get fist fucked by another Auburn QB (Washington) doesn't sign their own death warrant by drafting Newton in the first.

I would say that Nick Fairly is probably the default #1 now since Andrew Luck made the single most devastating career move in the history of career moves by returning to Stanford. He must not like money or hookers...or heavy narcotics...or money. Oh wait...already said that. I don't remember the last time a CB or WR was taken #1 overall so that leaves Fairly...who did wonders for his draft stock in the title game. For some reason NFL teams are okay with drafting a defensive lineman #1 overall, but not a shut down corner or NFL ready WRs. I would guess it's because of guys like Revis, Asomugha, Boldin and Vincent Jackson who give the position a worse reputation than the reputation Mark May and Pat Forde have with the OSU community.

Last week, you talked about McDonald's breakfast at the end of the post. I don't care how bad it is for you, McD's make a damn fine breakfast. Which leads me to my question this week: You are going out for breakfast at a chain restaurant and have to decide between Bob Evans, IHOP, Big Boy, and Waffle House, rank them. Personally, I find IHOP to be outstanding but they aren't very common in Ohio and the Big Boy buffet is always top notch. Where you going and why? And yes, I threw in Waffle House just for a laugh.

-G$ (OH)

In this order from worst to best:

4. Waffle House - A great place to go if you want bloody diarrhea. Also if you want your gut to feel like you just shotgunned a liter of bleach, this is your place. I wouldn't eat at Waffle house even if someone had a loaded 12-gauge with half the barrel buried in my anus. I won't even eat here drunk if that tells you anything.

3. IHOP - I know. A bit of a shocker but I put IHOP here because they specialize in really sweet fruity pancake shit. The regular breakfast menu is pretty sub-par to be honest. The downside of IHOP is that I have to really be in the mood to eat pancakes with a pound and a half of candy piled on top of them...and by "mood" I mean stoned out of my fucking face.

2. Big Boy - I gotta tell you, it's massively white trash...but the Napoleon boy in me loves to get back to my roots and crush some Big Boy. Especially Big Boy served by waitresses who are missing teeth and have it narrowed down to 3 guys when discussing the father of their 4th child. I go to Big Boy in Bowling Green when I'm home sick. Feels like I'm back in high school...eating four pounds of greasy food while I'm annihilated all while letting the entire staff know how much better I am at life than they are...after they serve me my food of course. I'm just kidding about that last part...I do that under my breath.

1. Bob Evans - It doesn't get any better. Don't say Denny's either unless you want me to nut blast your eyeballs. Bob's is king and always will be. I would dry shave my own nutsack for a bowl of Bob's biscuits and gravy when I'm hung over. I swear to Christ they sprinkle crack rock in that shit. It can cauterize massive flesh wounds. It can bring harmony to countries who have been at war with one another for centuries. It can get fat people laid...well, maybe not but it can make fat people feel like they're getting laid which is almost as good.

Another day another fake fuckin dollar...you know, since I don't get paid for this shit. But hey...you could get paid for reading! Master transitioner here! It's a gift...literally. As I stated above there will be a winner picked to receive a $35 gift card to http://www.allmodern.com/. There are only two rules. Rule number one. To win you must comment in the comment section. The winner will be picked by me and will be chosen by the most awesome/hilarious comment. Rule number two. You cannot comment on the website's Facebook page. Apparently it's a big no-no...so don't do it. The winner will be emailed a code for the gift certificate so make sure you leave your email address in the comment section as well. Oh yeah...United States only. Sorry Justin, you limey fuck. In the meantime, keep sending those questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com and Fun Bag(s) Friday will remain alive and well. Happy Friday everyone.

He's the Guy...Deal With It.

2011-01-12T08:49:00.001-05:00

"Poop or fart? It's crucial moments like this that define us."

Starting your day off with a new head coach of your favorite football team is a lot like starting it off with a nice stiff shit. It feels good, you cleanse yourself of any lingering impurities and after wiping you're ready to face the day with a big smile on your face. I'm not shy. I love a good shit. Sit me down with a magazine or my smart phone and leave me the fuck alone. Let me handle my shitting business. This is my time. Nothing irritates me more than someone who walks up to a locked bathroom door with the aroma of farts seeping from beneath and wonders aloud what you could possibly be doing in there. "Whatcha doin buddy?" "I'm fucking trading Poke'mon cards with the neighbor's kid...figure it out ya fuckin moron!" Anyway, even though it's going to ruin a Fun Bag(s) Friday question...I'm going to address the new direction of Michigan football today.

After having my heart set on Harbaugh for some time, it's really hard to get super jacked about anyone else. It's like when you've decided on something that looks fuckin tasty on a restaurant menu and when you order it the waitress chuckles as she says..."Oh. That's a menu typo. We don't actually have that. We've NEVER had that." Ah...well fuck me then. Don't I look like a huge cock face. Having said that, I'm actually kinda glad Michigan's new coach is Brady Hoke and not Les Miles. Listen, I know that Miles is a "Michigan guy" and I also realize that he's a hell of a recruiter. I'm also rather aware that Miles has had incredible success in the toughest football conference and is 5-1 in bowl games with a national title since being at LSU. These things...all aware of them. I just don't want the baggage that comes along with him.

I'm done with baggage. Michigan had to deal with the effects of "stealing" a high profile guy before, remember? Michigan hired a coach with questionable ethical practices before, remember? Not to mention the fact that Les Miles has left Michigan with their thumbs up their asses in the past. Miles may really want to be at Michigan, but he clearly wants to be at LSU also. I don't want that. I don't want the chick that says, "Well, I love you....but I love him too so if it's okay with you I'm just gonna fuck you both." No thanks whore. Michigan is not Miles' dream job...but it IS Brady Hoke's dream job. He's said it. And he was honest with San Diego State from the start. He basically said...if Michigan wants me, I'm taking it. No offense. Give me that guy. Give me the guy who CLEARLY wants to coach this team.

I'll admit it. Hoke isn't the sexy pick...and he looks like Mike Golic...or Jeff Garlin. Or a Golic/Garlin fat love child. But Bo Schembechler wasn't sexy either. No one knew who the fuck Bo was...and he is arguably the greatest coach in Michigan football history. Relax...I'm not saying Brady Hoke is Bo Schembechler. But the similarities are striking and everyone has to come from somewhere. Besides...look where the "sexy" pick got Michigan. It got them looking like a bunch of drunk hobos wandering around the field more confused than Andy Reid in the last 2 minutes of either half.

So far the reaction has been mixed. Most "experts" love it...a lot of fans hate it. It didn't help that Dave Brandon (village fucking idiot) went about this entire process the complete wrong way. He goes after Harbaugh. Denied. He goes after Miles. Fuck off. Then he hires Hoke and says that Hoke was his man from the start. Go fuck yourself Brandon. Don't nut in my face and tell me it's yogurt. If Hoke was really your guy, then why the fuck did you wait a week to hire his chubby ass? So basically what you're saying is that you have known for a whole week that you wanted to hire Hoke but, for God only knows what reason, deliberately held off on the offer so you can accomplish what? Make the recruiting process increasingly difficult for your new head coach? Encourage the existing players to transfer while the football team hangs in limbo? Secretly pray to your Hope Chest that Harbaugh or Miles would change their minds? Brilliant game plan there, jerk off. This Dave Brandon sounds like a real straight shooter.

We know that Hoke was your last choice, dipshit. Hoke knows it too. You're just lucky he doesn't give a rat's ass. Denying that you never offered the job to Harbaugh or Miles is like being one of two people in an elevator and denying the fart you just roasted.

"Did you just fart sir?"

"Nope. Wasn't me. You sure it wasn't you?"

"Uhhhh, yeah....positive. Plus you lifted you leg when you did it."

"Negative. You are definitely making that up." "Sir! You are waving your hand behind your butt crack while whispering "inhale that shit biscuit Mr. Stranger Guy". You can't possibly be serious in denying this."

"Sorry. Not buyin it. It was you. End of discussion."

I gotta say, I like the hire. Michigan could have done a lot worse. Hoke was the defensive line coach at Michigan back when defense was valued at Michigan. His defense at SDSU kept Navy's top 5 rushing attack in check in this year's Poinsettia Bowl and the D was in the top 40 all year. He has turned two programs around and made them respectable while being there. He's an Ohio guy who can possibly steal recruits from Ohio State and seems to have the charisma to take back Michigan recruits from Mike Dantonio. Plus winning with an Ohio guy will really chap the asses of Buckeye fans and give them more things to bitch about...as if they needed more. But most importantly...he understands the importance of beating Ohio State. Rodriguez never fully embraced the importance of that game in the same way John Cooper never embraced it when he took over for Earle Bruce in Columbus. And God Damnit...I'm fucking tired of losing to the Buckeyes. So while most fans are sounding like they don't think Hoke is the answer, I think he could be. And I'll give him a chance...but that leash is pretty short dude. So get crackin tubby.

Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 4

2011-01-05T22:49:00.000-05:00

"Why yes Iceman...every house DOES need a room that has a trampoline for a floor."

Another Friday greets us with sweet morning breath and with that brings us another edition of Fun Bag(s) Friday...a segment better than staring at yourself naked in a full body mirror. You know the drill. If you don't, then figure it out. It isn't that hard Corky. Onward!

Do you think that a special rule should be put into effect for Michigan's upcoming bowl game that enables the defense to have 15 players on the field? I mean, just to make it fair. Thoughts?

-Josh (OH)

Well Josh, this question would have had way more relevance if you wouldn't have been a lazy bitch and emailed me on time. I suppose I'll answer it anyway...sorta like a last homage to the most horrendous 3 year period in the history of Michigan football.

Even though it was clear the extra 3 defenders would have made a huge difference, the answer I would have given would have been no. If Michigan (with 3 additional defenders) would have been able to stop Mississippi State on defense, there would have been a chance to win the game...or at least keep it close. In the end the blowout was the best thing that could have happened to Michigan football because it sealed the fate of BitchRod and his fucking circus of retards. After the BitchRod firing was confirmed, I was so juiced I hopped around like a buck-toothed 9 year old who just crushed 40 pixie stix. Who loses by 40 to a 7-5 SEC school? Fuckin losers...that's who.

If you were the psycho dude from SAW and had Greg Robinson locked up in a well silence of the lambs style, what torture device would you choose and why?

-Brady (OH)

Great question Brady. GREAT question! First, let me say that there is no person or thing on this planet that I hate more than Greg Robinson. He is filth. He's the human form of morning breath. He sucks worse than getting pooped on. Whenever I saw him on the sidelines searching for answers I felt as though someone was shoving a nail into up my pee hole. The sight of that man literally gave me cock pains.

Second, I would use the most excruciating device I could think of. It has to be drawn out and morbidly painful...because that's what it was like watching Michigan defense for the past 2 years. I would have to go with the device used in Saw 3. The one that the black dude is attached to that slowly turns his arms, legs and head with every second that goes by. The arms and legs twist first and eventually the result is a compound fracture with bones sticking out of the skin. Then the head starts turning after the arms and legs are shattered. After enough time passes, the device eventually breaks the person's neck...but not after some agonizing pain. I'm pretty sure I would go with that one. It wouldn't be a quick hitter...I know that. Plus the whole time I would force him to watch a greatest hits DVD of all of my favorite defensive meltdowns from the last 2 years. Obviously he would be dead before I was able to cycle through the entire DVD.

On New Year's Day, while watching the Big Ten dominate, I put together a little end table from Ikea that I got for Christmas (I asked for it). I am no Al Borland or anything, but I find that I'm really good at putting together boxed, Sauders-esque furniture. Every time that I finish one of these things, for at least a minute I will think, "I should build a deck" or "I should really replace the roof". And then I move the furniture where I want it and it wobbles a bit. Then I remember that I have absolutely no carpentry skills whatsoever and I would surely fall through the roof if I even worked up the courage to go up there. Am I alone on this? Does Ikea furniture give you a false manliness?

-G$ (OH)

I've got good news. You aren't alone. I remember when I moved into the house I'm currently living in I did something as simple as putting a new lock on the bathroom door one day when I was bored. In essence it was probably the worst thing I could have done. After that successful installation I thought I was Bob Fuckin Vila. The next day I had blue prints etched out for a fire pole from my bedroom to the living room and a tube slide from the upstairs hallway window to the backyard driveway. Needless to say these plans were eventually scrapped when the owner of the house didn't agree with the direction I was trying to take his property in. Whatever John...your loss dude. Tell me you wouldn't want a fire pole in the living room...good thing I didn't tell him about how I plan on turning his old bedroom into a giant plastic ball pit.

Okay...I can live with that. Pretty good session there fuckers. But like a fatty craves McDonald's breakfast, I need more. I don't want to threaten anyone here, but I will..because it gets results. Send me your questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com or I will find you, shove a dirty sock in your mouth and tie you to a chair while I envision Greg Robinson being in front of me. Yeah...it's that serious. Have a great weekend everyone. Drink 20 for me. Damn...McDonald's does sound good............

The Nightmare is Over.

2011-01-05T16:18:00.000-05:00

"Like this guys! This is how you suck a cock!!"

It's done. It's finally done. After some premature reporting that left Michigan fans moist and confused, word surfaced today that Dave Brandon has finally shit canned DickRod for good. At first I had that Jason Voorhees "is he really dead or am I going to turn around to walk away and get a machete in my back" feeling when I read last night that Brandon had yet to decide anything. It was like...Nooooooo. No fucking way. He can't possibly keep......can he???? I thought, "How can this fucker still have a pulse? What could possibly be keeping Brandon from executing this guy RIGHT NOW?!". But cooler heads prevailed and I realized that if Brandon really intended on keeping DickRod he would have said so immediately following what I assume was supposed to be the Gator Bowl.

First thing I want done....HIRE A DEFENSIVE MINDED COACH! If Harbaugh is going to be fighting off gays in SanFran like most think, go after Brady Hoke or Gary Patterson. I would finger my own dick hole if Michigan landed Harbaugh, but much like fitting my finger into my dick hole...convincing Harbaugh to come to Michigan is looking like an impossible feat. Now, most people aren't real impressed with Hoke and think that hiring him would be a mistake. All I know is that he was an assistant under Lloyd Carr, was part of a national championship team at Michigan, understands how important it is to beat OSU and knows the importance of stopping people on defense. His defense (ranked 35th in points against) held one of the nation's best running teams under their average rush yards per game in the Poinsettia Bowl this year. I don't give a fuck if it was Navy. All Navy does is run! Top 5 in rushing yards is top 5 in rushing yards. Hoke isn't a sexy name by any stretch, but Michigan could definitely do worse. I would prefer Patterson from TCU but you would have better luck prying a King Size Snickers out of Charlie Weis sausage hands than getting Patterson to Ann Arbor. Welcome back to college football Fatty Weis!!! We missed you.

Second thing I want done...Greg Robinson dead by my bare hands. But seriously...I want to torture this guy in ways that would make the Hostel series come off as G rated. If anyone deserves to be maimed in the most painful way known to man it's this dickwad. What this degenerate put me through these past 2 years is unforgivable and surely unforgettable. If this guy gets another coaching job ANYWHERE after his inevitable firing in the next few weeks I would be stunned. I wouldn't want him teaching 12 year olds anything about what he calls "defense". Plus he would probably rape them all. No, but seriously...I bet Greg Robinson fucks underage boys. I would actually pay money to kick this guy as hard as a possibly could directly in his asshole. My goal is to tear the cavity. Let's see if we can make this dream of mine come true. Someone get Make-A-Wish on the phone.

By the time I post this, the story of DickRod's firing will be older than OSU Sugar Bowl MVP awards on Ebay jokes. But I don't fucking care. I'm a Michigan fan and I should be posting things about a rat bastard losing his job for being a horrible coach and an even worse human being. Why? Because I care...and because I fucking said so. Thanks for making me the butt of every fucking joke for the last 3 years AssRod. Go stick your dick in a C-clamp and turn the crank until you hear a crunch or until you pass out. The only person who's happy that you showed your toothless, inbred face in Ann Arbor is Josh Groban. Before you made a total fucking ass out of yourself in a useless plea for your job, no one knew who this douchebag was. Go back to West Virginia so they can rape your asshole, then kill you. Good riddance.

Fun Bag(s) Friday Vol. 3

2010-12-30T23:08:00.000-05:00

"Mr. VanAusdale, please put your clothes back on or this question/answer session is over"

I guess it's only fitting in lieu of none of my fantasy football teams showing up this past weekend that my reader's follow suit. Way to go assholes. Thanks for making me look like a dick. The only two people who aren't getting rat turds mailed to them are G$ and Brady...and only Brady because he sent me an email 2 weeks ago longer than the Insane Cock Brothas fake yogurt shooting shlongs. I had no choice but to break it up into 3 segments. So I'll just sprinkle some of my pubes on your couch the next time you leave town and have me watch your 47 pets that are nearly taking over your house, Brady. Let's get this over with...

If you can't have Jim Harbaugh as the next coach at Michigan, who is the second choice to end the *losing streak Michigan is currently on with the Fuck...oops, Buckeyes?

*Yes, I edited out what he really put in and replaced it with losing streak. It's my blog and I'll edit whatever the fuck I want. Deal with it.

-Brady (OH)

This is a tough one because I really want Harbaugh to make my wet dreams come true. It's like when you have your drunken heart set on scoring with the clearly uninterested bombshell at the bar and no matter how hard you try sobering up and looking presentable, you always come off looking like Nick Nolte after doing 30 body shots out of the saggy skin flaps that used to be Lindsay Lohan's tits. So after blowing the chance you never had with this chick, everyone else just looks like Tara Reid. So assuming Harbaugh is out (and most reports I have read are saying it's the NFL or he stays at Stanford) I wouldn't be horribly pissed if Michigan was able to land Brady Hoke from San Diego State. I'll be honest, I don't watch a lot of Aztec football, but when I heard rumors of Hoke being interested in the soon to be vacant job at Michigan...I made it a point to watch the Poinsettia bowl against Navy.

Now I'm not going to gush and channel blind Buckeye fandom just yet, but I really liked what I saw. The thing that stood out for me? DEFENSE. Hoke brings the pain on the side of the ball that Michigan fucking blows at. He demands results and holds guys accountable for their mistakes...something Michigan is clearly lacking right now. This is what I saw. I saw 6 to 8 guys gang tackling. I saw wrapping up. I saw getting stops on third and long AND third and short. I didn't see Freshman that shouldn't be on the field and getting burnt so badly that they make Eric Wright look like Deion Sanders. I didn't see Navy's offense racking up points like it was a fucking video game with create-a-players. I was overwhelmed. I cried. I cried because I thought that if Brady Hoke can create a defense like the one I was seeing with second tier recruits, imagine what he could do with the firepower of a major college football program. I've been saying this all along...keep the offense and get a better defense. I think Hoke can bring that to Michigan and actually make a smoother transition that most people think. Like I said, we get Harbaugh? I do things that are only legal in Germany. We get Hoke? Not a bad consolation prize.

Toughest movie character ever? For my money, no one and I mean NO ONE, is more badass than Rambo. He slaughtered the Vietnamese, the Russians AND Brian Dennehy. Did you see the 4th movie? Outstandingly awesome due to the insane gore. Nothing beats a good head explosion. Oh, and the character has to be of human nature. Assholes like The Predator and The Terminator don't count.

-G$ (OH)

G$...bringing the goods daily with great questions. The rest of you could learn something from him. At first thought I was tempted to go with John McClane, renegade cop. Don't get me wrong...the witty one liners, the one man wrecking crew who shreds through terrorists as well as their vengeful siblings all while getting just hurt enough to land ex-wife pussy but not hurt so much where his dick doesn't work or to the point where he gets horribly disfigured is completely badass. Far fetched...but badass. But Mr. "YippieKaiYay Motherfucker" came in at number two.

For my most badass movie character, I think I will have to go in a different Sly Stallone character direction...and that is Rocky Balboa. He had to beat Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, and the most gigantic Russian I have ever seen in my life...who was on roids...and had a FLAT TOP! I don't count Tommy Gunn because he has AIDS. I could beat up a guy with AIDS. I HAVE beat up a guy with AIDS. And...AND! Not only did Rocky have to battle these boxing greats in bouts he was clearly over matched in...he had to overcome his fight with illiteracy. A different kind of fight.

That's all you get for this volume, ya pricks. That's what happens when I only get two emails. Maybe next time you'll be more prepared. Happy fuckin New Year to everyone. I hope you all get so drunk you puke on the person you're trying to take home that night. For those of you whose phone number I have...expect to get a picture of someones hairy sack as the ball drops. Good fuckin riddance 2010. May 2011 only be half as shitty.

*Send all Fun Bag(s) Friday questions to jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com