PERFECTION!

                                                  Smells like Don Shula's asshole...




As I find myself getting older, I have noticed I'm becoming increasingly more crotchety.  The little things are really starting to fry my fucking nerves.  To be honest, I'm starting to feel like this guy.  But that's good, I guess.  It gives me more to rant about when I get pissed at things I have no control over...like the cat digging through the trash like a fucking hobo.  Or the dog rolling around in his own shit like a newborn.  Age also brings wisdom, I think.  Not wisdom about things that will keep me old, miserable and alive at 120.  But wisdom about shit few people care about...like why the Packers should try for a perfect season this year.  Why yes....yes I do have a list of reasons.  In no particular order.

-For the fame
Bitch, please.  Don't nut on my back and tell me it's microwaved yogurt.  These guys play just as much for a legacy as they do for the love.  Every last fucker out there has an ego the size of Uncle Sam's nipples and wants to be remembered for something great.  What better way to mushroom stamp the brain of football lovers than to be a member of an undefeated NFL team.  If nothing else it would give us a reason to stop talking about.....

-The '72 Dolphins
No one likes these smug assholes.  Not even their own families.  I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I've heard enough about Mercury Morris and Don Shula renting out Econolodge rooms to buttfuck each other with champagne bottles after the last undefeated goes down every year.  Not to mention these guys are old.  Their dicks don't work anymore, they all probably wear diapers because their prostates are shot...this is literally the only thing these fucking losers have left to look forward to every year.  Taking this away from them would probably kill at least half of them from the disappointment alone.  That, in its own, should be enough for McCarthy to pull the trigger on a perfect season.

-Fuck injuries
I can't stand it when shit for brains announcers like Merrrrrl Hoge talk about putting the players in an unnecessary risk with games that "don't matter".  Just because Hoge can't do math without concussing himself doesn't mean that anyone on the Packers has a body made out of spongy vaginal tissue like Merrrrrl does.  People get hurt every single day doing dumb shit.  Christ...a month ago I threw out my back getting off the fucking toilet.  Another guy I know tore his ACL playing Silver Strike Bowling.  It was awesome.  I know another guy who partially tore a neck muscle sneezing.  FUCKING SNEEZING!  Not to mention that football is a violent sport and people get hurt.  Would you sit your important guys in weeks 1-4 because you need them to be healthy at the end of the year?  Fuck no you wouldn't.  You fucking play them.  When you have a team that is crushing every week like Green Bay is, you ride that shit until the wheels come off.  You don't risk the dreaded playoff rust by sitting the best players.  If the team is good enough, they'll have the beef to plug in off the bench if a few key guys get dinged up along the way.

-Make a statement
This is your chance to show the rest of the league that you aren't a pussy.  You give zero fucks about anything and are looking to pulverize everyone no matter what week it is and no matter what you have "locked up".  As a team your goal should be to win every game.  So go fucking win every game.  It's kinda what New England does to people when they're up by 30 in the 4th and keep passing the ball with Tom Brady in the game.  People fucking HATE it when Belichick does that.  I'll be honest...I hate it too because I'm usually getting my privates mashed in by Tom Brady in fantasy football while this is going on.  But guess what.  If you think it's shit, or cheap, dirty or whatever...stop them.  It's not their fault your team is fucking terrible.

-I promise the players want it
This game is popular because of the players.  Period.  No one pays $50 a ticket to go watch Andy Reid fumble around in a two minute drill like a virgin touching a pussy for the first time.  A coach's decision whether or not to go for the perfect season should be easy...just ask the players.  They are, after all, the reason these guys have a job to begin with.

So the question was asked...will I be pissed if the Packers go undefeated?  Fuck no.  I'm actually pulling for it despite there being a few Packers fans out there that happen to be IMPOSSIBLE to rationalize with.  Even though an undefeated season I'm sure will prompt these individuals to make outrageous claims such as "Greatest team ever assembled regardless of any sport"...it would still be worth it to see the '72 Dolphins suck the hairy cock of modern day football.  It's about time some NFL team kindly shoved it up their arrogant asses.

Put Your Faith in God...Your Ass Belongs To Tebow.

                            "What do you mean I'm taking this "God" thing too seriously?"




Not many people will get that title I stole from a movie but I assure you it's tremendous.  Today, we're gonna make this a two parter.  Because I can do whatever the fuck I want.  First, I'll answer an emailer's question...kind of a mutated, crusted over version of Fun Bag(s) Friday.  You know...that thing we did here that failed miserably after about 2 months because only three people would email?  Remember how you all promised you would send in a question but never did leaving me jilted at the computer screen?  You all will make terrible husbands/wives.  I feel better.  Then...I tackle a subject that is sure to stiffen the weenus of my brother Colin Cowherd...I mean, Justin.  Onward.

The Detroit Lions are relevant and yet the world has not come to an end; please explain.

I've been saying this for awhile.  All the Lions needed to do was murder Matt Millen and they would begin their meteoric rise to the top.  They actually took the less criminalistic road and chose the "fire him" method but I will still argue today Millen needed to be put to death.  A violent death.  Millen was so thick on draft day, he single handily nuked that team back to the stone age.  I swear to fucking God one year he tried drafting He-Man.  With every nutty pick, I often found myself making the same face I would make if a complete stranger walked up to me in a restaurant and stuck his index finger through the middle of my sandwich.  Only one man was worse at drafting players and he "died" recently.  Let's not kid ourselves here...Al Davis died in '94 but no one had the balls to break it to the public.  Does this look alive to you?  That was taken this year.  Bull fuckin shit he died this year.

Anyway...now that Millen isn't around to infect everything with his dubious funk, the Lions are free to start building for the future with actual good players.  So what's happening now really doesn't surprise me.  Also, the law of averages states that eventually every pathetic franchise will at some point be relevant again...excluding Cleveland.  I don't know what that city did to piss off God but it must have been something catastrophic.  I don't know...did someone from Cleveland give Jesus a swirly at some point?  Maybe put a bag of hot dog shit on God's porch and bolted?  Whatever it was, right now and for the foreseeable future, Cleveland is getting fucked by the thick rod of the Lord.  Back to the Lions...If Jim Schwartz could win with curse words the Lions would be 400-0.  That, I completely buy.  As for the end result this year, I picked the Lions to go 8-8 and I'm sticking to that.  Don't be surprised if Detroit turns the corner next year and actually wins a playoff game.  So start preparing your soul now.

Part Two - Teboners

Speaking of God, I can't handle the Tim Tebow hate anymore.  Why do people want this guy to fail so much?  Hating Tebow is treading in dangerous, murky waters.  I mean, how sure are we that Tebow is not actually Jesus returning to earth like the Bible promised?  Think about it.  He has good looks that can make an 80 year old woman's sand paper silver business liquefy as if a reservoir caved in.  I'm certain he can crush walnuts with his biceps.  He has absolutely terrible mechanics on the football field but yet almost always finds a way to win.  It makes sense, right?  Why can't God be a football fan?

But seriously.  I don't know what the beef is with this guy.  He wins games, he's not arrogant, not an asshole, puts the team first, NEVER takes credit for the win, doesn't break the law (unless breaking hearts is a crime.  BOOM!), works his mother fucking ass off, says the right things, does the right things, etc.  He's fucking flawless.  He is literally the perfect human.  I wouldn't be shocked if his saliva cured blindness.  You know how we as people have that one thing that we've built/said/done that we are most proud of?  Whatever it is you just take a step back and think, "God Dammit, that is choice!"  Well, I have no doubt that for God, that thing is Tim Tebow.  But he didn't say God Dammit...maybe "Myself Dammit" instead.  I guess what I'm getting at is don't hate Tebow because the media can't remove their kung-fu grip from his holy grundle.  Don't even hate the media for it.  If ever a story deserved to be humped into submission, it's this one.  We need a feel good story to lift our spirits from time to time.  Is that so WWRROOOUUHNNGG??

Anyway...I'm convinced that anyone who wants Tebow to fail is just a straight miserable fuck who finds a way to hate everything in life no matter how awesome.  This type of person hates things like fake tits, batting cages, videos of dogs doing funny dog stuff, burritos, finding money, the feeling of warm underwear on your chilly nuts, candy, farting in the bathtub...you get the idea.  To hate Tebow is to hate America.  So stop being such a God damn terrorist and appreciate the Tebow while we still have him.  Would you rather have Favre and his scab covered hillbilly cock?  I'll take that adorable bastard Tebow over attention demanding gutter sluts like Chad OchoFuckFace any day.  Long live Tim Tebow.

An Evening With Jim Boeheim

                                         "I want you to rub your penis tip...right here."


Well, as my musical mastermind comrade Joel so kindly pointed out, it's been quite some time since I've posted anything to my own site.  Spose I'll turn off the Justin Bieber Christmas CD for the moment and do something about that.  Sometimes I just can't help it.  His voice is so magical it wraps around my body like a bear skin rug.  Moving on.  I have a real treat for you all today.  When the Jerry Sandusky story first broke at Penn State, I did everything I could to get an interview with Joe Paterno so I could find out exactly what happened.  You know...do some real solid journal work.  Well, I was successful but unfortunately virtually ALL of the interview was practically useless as Gargamel just kept gurgling in between saying "doodies" every 5 minutes.  So I pulled some strings and was able to attempt to get some answers from yet another college coach surrounded by a public pedophilia sex scandal.  Last night I sat down with Jim Boeheim and picked his brain.  Here's what happened.

Iceman:  Thanks for sitting down with me coach.  I know this can't be easy for you with all the negative press Syracuse has been getting lately.

Jim Boeheim:  Fuck!  Are you serious?  My agent said you wanted to discuss the most superior jelly bean flavor.  Well, on with it I guess.  I've already postponed my crotch shampoo appointment.

Ice:  Yeah...kinda lied on that one.  But you know all about lying don't you?  How long have you known Bernie Fine is a sexual predator?

JB:  You son of a bitch.

Ice:  Excuse me?

JB:  Do you have any idea how many God damn All-Americans have cycled through this place under my flawless regime?  Billions.  Billions I tells ya!

Ice:  How is that even relevant and are........you sure about that number?

JB:  You fuckin heard me.  BILLY OWENS LOVED IT HERE!!


Ice:  Sure he did.  Next question.  Do you support pedophilia?

JB:  Yes.  Um, I mean no..........repeat the question please.

Ice:  Okay...are you accepting of grown adults using underage boys as their sexual playground?

JB:  Listen here.  I have this watch.  It's a lot like my dick.  It tells the time, it's made of solid 24 karat gold and it can cut glass with ease and precision.  What happens under this watch is my business and my business alone.  Until the police come knocking...then I will sing like a prison yard bitch.  But until then you can fuck yourself.

Ice:  Why do you keep avoiding the question?

JB:  Listen.  This is all you need to know about me Snowman.

Ice:  Ummm, that's Iceman.

JB:  Like a give a giraffe's asshole.  This is all you need to know.  Do you know why I talk like this?  Why I give the cocky half smirk with every question you ask and speak to everyone like they're a Japanese alley whore?  It's because I'm better than everyone...especially you.  My butthole tapers poop off better than yours.  I shave a dog's balls better than you.  I smack my belly with my flaccid wiener better than you do.  Even menial tasks that most people don't care about I am better at than you.  For example, shucking corn and making tree forts.  Farting.  Sewing curtains.  Drinking piss.  All of it.  The fucking best.

Ice:  Noted.  So, do you think you'll be fired over this like Paterno was?

JB:  Bitch, please.  I AM SYRACUSE BASKETBALL MUTHAFUCKA!!  I TOWELED OFF DERRICK COLEMAN'S NAKED BUTTOCKS AND ATE PIEROGIES WITH RONY SEIKALY!!  I PAID SHERMAN DOUGLAS TO FUCK MY HUNCHBACK DAUGHTER AND LET GERRY MCNAMERA MASTURBATE IN THE FILM ROOM WHEN HE THOUGHT I WASN'T WATCHING!!!  SO DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT WHO IS LOSING WHAT JOB YOU FUCKING SOUR HAM WALLET!!!

Ice:  Okay, calm down...relax.  I'm obligated to ask one basketball related question so here it goes.  How do you like your squad this year and your chances in the Big East?

JB:  Pssssht.  Stupid question.  This team has 12 future NBA lottery picks on it because I recruit like a brilliant bastard.  We're not losing a game this year as long as we never start Big East play and keep ourselves out of the NCAA tournament.  Are we done here?  My shampoo appointment starts soon.

Ice:  Yeah...we're done here.  Best of luck with everything this year.  On and off the court.

JB:  Fuck you.

As you can see, Jim Boeheim is quite the son of a bitch.  Needless to say, I didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth.  Much like the Sandusky situation, I think James has some dirty laundry he's desperate to keep hidden.  To say that I've always thought Boeheim was a liver spotted infected dick scab is a gross understatement.  So whatever happens to this bag of shit, he most definitely deserves.  Let this be a lesson to all you coaches out there.  STOP FUCKING LITTLE BOYS!!!  Also, if you know something fucked up happened...FUCKING SAY SOMETHING.  That is all.

Fantasy Killers

                                 "One!  One whole game without getting hurt...alright!"




What a neglectful little asshole I am.  I get a new toy and all of a sudden I can't post on my own site anymore.  Whatever excuse I put down is just a complete lie to cover up my unconditional laziness.  Let me get that out of the way.  So go ahead and make up whatever excuse you would like for my broken promises if it makes you feel better.  You would probably come up with a better one anyway.

I can't stop thinking about fantasy football, so another fantasy football post is what you get.  So far this season has been a fucking nightmare for me.  Injuries have run through my teams like Black Death through Eastern Europe.  When one gets infected, they all get infected.  At least that's what it has felt like.  But no one wants to hear about the troubles times my fantasy football teams have fell on.  That's like boring the fuckin shorts off someone with a 30 minute conversation about a bad poker beat you took.  Instead I will construct a healthy list of players that will never see a spot on any of my rosters ever again.  You have fucked my tender butthole for the last time.

Chris Wells - God damn you.  Do you have a rare medical condition where your bone structure slowly erodes every single day?  Were you born premature and never fully recovered from the damage?  Are you secretly 80...like Benjamin Button?  What?!  What is it?  I have to know.  I have to know how a 23 year old running back with the body of a fucking linebacker cannot stay healthy.  I successfully talked myself into Wells this year because I thought he could do it.  Apparently the coaching staff thought he could too or else they wouldn't have shipped Hightower to running back hell in exchange for a stack of Waffle House coupons.  Lesson learned.

Felix Jones - Pussy.  There's really nothing more that can be said other than he's an out of this world, superhuman pussy.  Why do I have this feeling that Jones could be going 100 in a Fiero, flip in 40 times and walk away unharmed?  I fuckin bet that would happen...yet he can't make it a quarter of a season without separating something.  You know, other than his own pussy lips.  They should just start Demarco Murray until Felix can prove his body isn't made of cooked noodles.

Daniel Thomas - Jesus Christ.  What is the deal with young running backs and health issues?  I miss the good old days where running backs played through anything then had to re-learn how to spell their name in the locker room after every game.  Now guys like Thomas, "tweak" a hamstring and they're out 4 games.  Listen.  Phillip Rivers is the whitest, mushiest, most non athletic mutant in the world.  And he played an entire game with a partially torn ACL.  Am I supposed to believe that Phillip Fucking Marmalard Rivers is tougher than all 3 guys I just mentioned?  You know I'm talking about this guy, right?  I just don't know what to believe in anymore.

Cam Newton - Nope.  Not buyin it.  Not even a little bit.  He's gonna get drafted sooooo high next year it's impossible to even think about.  It makes my head throb.  I'm talking second round, third round MAX.  It's gonna be so dumb.  This is the flukiest fuckin bullshit I have ever witnessed in all of fantasy football.  ESPECIALLY by a rookie quarterback on a horrific team from top to bottom.  Whoever takes Newton is just wasting a pick and throwing money away.  Unless you think that Cam Newton is the second coming of Peyton Manning, then yeah.  Go ahead and take a stab at him next year and try not to punch through your laptop screen when you're forced to drop him by week 6.  Don't worry, by that time you should be 0-6 and first on the waiver wire.

Desean Jackson - I didn't draft Jackson this year since I completely swore him off last year.  So I guess we'll just treat this as a little reminder to stay true to myself and my beliefs.  Last time I checked, you don't get fantasy points for being a retarded jackass.  And you certainly don't get fantasy points for thinking you're the greatest WR every birthed.  Raise your hand if you like 35 fantasy points one week then no more than 6 fantasy points for the next five weeks.  Yeah...me either.  On an unrelated note, if I were Philly brass I would let this guy spit into the back of my throat before giving Jackson the money he wants.  Maclin, Avant and Steve Smith are more than enough juice at the receiver position.

Learn from my mistakes, people.  I'm here to educate you.

I always Knew You Would Puss Out.

        "See...this is what happens in Cincinnati when you ask to be traded.  DO I STUTTER?!"




It's about fucking time.  It looks like big bad ass Mike Brown finally caved to the demands of his disgruntled QB.  By now I'm sure all of you have heard about the Carson Palmer trade to Oakland unless you don't own a television or radio and live in a cabin made from boar shit and wood chips in the deep woods of Wyoming.  Let me say this...I love this move.  Not because it helps Oakland who all of a sudden on Sunday glanced at the field and said, "Fuckin seriously?  This is our starting QB for the rest of the year?!".  Not because it will immensely help out SEVERAL of my fantasy football pawns (well, kinda).  Not even because I love listening to Bengals fans complain about anything they can get their greasy, white trash hands on.  I love this move because Mike Brown lost.

I've had a growing hatred for Mike Brown ever since this whole Palmer debacle started raping our ear drums in the preseason.  This is my problem with Brown.  His direct quote was as follows.  Just so I don't screw anything up.

“I’m not expecting [Carson Palmer] to be back. Carson signed a contract, he made a commitment. He gave us his word. We relied on his word and his commitment. We expected him to perform here. If he is going to walk away from his commitment we aren’t going to reward him for doing it.”

Brown handled this entire situation the wrong way and ended up looking like a fucking child in the process.  How many commitments has he made to current/former players that he's walked away from?  It goes both ways, asshole.  You can't piss and moan about broken promises when you don't hesitate to break the ones you've made.  The fact is that Mike Brown is cheap, a hypocrite and his grundle probably smells like a musty basement.  That last part has nothing to do with his ability to run a football team, it just speaks to how gross and difficult to be around he is.  If you don't believe me, just get on the Internet.  I dare you to find an article talking about how awesome Mike Brown is.  At anything.  You might find one from the late 80's about his killer Pinewood Derby car making talents if you're lucky.

No matter what Oakland gave up to get Palmer (I'm pretty sure it was 2 first round picks with the pick in 2013 being conditional on some level.  I'm really too lazy to go look since I have my heart set on watching Bad Teacher tonight and this blog is really getting in the way of that.) they win in this deal.  Not only does Kyle Boller's diabolical plan of quarterbacking the Raiders to a 4-12 finish get foiled, but it's an absolute certainty that Brown is going to completely tank the picks he got from Oakland and fuck them up in the most hilarious way possible.  So it's not like Oakland really loses anything here since they were going to blow those picks on terrible players anyway.  Yeah, yeah...Al Davis is dead so they probably won't try and draft guys like Duke Nukem or John Rambo anymore.  But his spirit remains alive and that's all you really need to totally botch an NFL draft.

That's right.  You get my half-assed attempt at a blog tonight.  This movie I'm about to watch is way more important than quality work.  I'm also gonna eat so many cookies I'll have to lift up my tits to tie my shoes.  It'll be worth it.  I feel like the Jets.  Just chuck your shit out there and talent will take care of the rest.  Right?  I said, RIGHT?!  Agree with me.

Game Night!!!

"You have a problem with Battleship?  You tell me right fuckin now what's wrong with Battleship."


Before I start, once again...my college football wisdom at the Money Shot.  Now that we have that out of the way, I feel like doing a little something away from the sports grid.  This idea literally just came to me five minutes ago so bear with me.  It could be great, or it could be mushy poop.  Here we go.  I'm not afraid to admit I love board games.  Because board games are fuckin sweet.  Unless you're the guy that hates on everything.  Then board games are for boring losers because that guy thinks that everything fun is for boring losers.  While that guy sits in his living room listening to his latest underground indy-rock record, I give to you faithful readers my top 5 best board games of all time.

5.  Battleship

I'll let you in on a little secret.  I was a fucking legend in this game.  How, you may ask?  Well, it's simple really.  I cheated my God damn balls off.  Once it was determined that either A) I was the worst ship positioner in the history of board gaming or B) I was playing against a fucking mind reader every single time, I knew drastic measures were in order.  Seriously.  It was like a US Navy Fleet Admiral was barking orders from the other side of the game board.

"B-10."
"Fuck.  Hit."
"C-9."
"Fuck!  Hit."
"A-4."
"FUCKIN MOTHER FUCKER GOD DAMN FUCK FACE!  CAN YOU SEE MY SHIPS IN THE REFLECTION OF MY GLASSES??  HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?!  FUCKING ANSWER ME!!!  I quit."

That's how things usually went until I sharpened up and started moving my ships around the board randomly during the game.  It's almost impossible to hit a moving target.  And my opponent was none the wiser.  Strategy, bitches.

4.  Operation

This game was great!  Any time you have the chance to give children under 10 the anxiety of a 'Nam vet you HAVE to capitalize.  You know the concept...remove stuff from a naked white guy whose gut safely protects perverts from sneaking a peak at his cartoon junk.  Shit was real easy until you got to the dreaded wishbone.  Fuck that wishbone.  I always remember violently shaking like I was going through heroin withdrawal when it was time for surgery.  That's when I knew I would never be a doctor.  That notion was later confirmed when I barely passed Anatomy my Senior year of college.

3.  The Game of Life

Ahhhh, the game that teaches you about all the stuff that is going to suck massive taint when you get older.

Surprise!  Twins!!

Huh?  What do you mean kids cost money?!  This is bull shit.  Can I get rid of them?  NO?!?!  Why the fuck not?  Now I have to get a job and buy a house??  What kind of fucking game is this?

It's the game your parents bought you when you were old enough to understand how much of a pain in the ass you've been so far.  This was their way of really hammering it home so you knew that even though they loved you, they didn't always like you.  It was also the game they bought you when you couldn't understand why the hell you didn't get the newest video game system for Christmas like your best friend with the rich parents got. 

"You see, son.  Your future is pretty much pure chance and luck.  Some people have awesome jobs that pay a shitload of money and others have jobs that pay next to nothing.  It's pretty much a spin of the wheel that determines whether your life is awesome or terrible.  So spin smart or hate yourself forever.  OK!  Have fun!  I'll be in the den crushing a fifth of Maker's Mark thinking of ways to kill myself."

Whatever.  I still liked it.  Probably because of the noise that spinner thingy made.

2.  Monopoly

Yes!  The game of absolute greed!  This game taught me how to be a cold hearted asshole.  You think you can just land on my property with zero consequences?  I don't know who you have been speaking to but I think you have the wrong idea about my establishment here at Marvin Gardens.  Regardless of what you may have heard, the simple fact remains that nothing is free.  That will be $22, bitch.  Now fork it over or I'll cast you down with the sodomites in the Monopoly prison!  You should just feel lucky I haven't juiced up the estate with luxury hotels yet.  I'll bankrupt your ass, mother fucker!!  I'll fuckin do it!!!  I've always wanted to play this game as an adult with someone who has actually filed for real life bankruptcy and break their spirit a second time by taking all their fake board game cash.  Then I could follow it up with, "Damn.  Bankrupt again.  Looks like you suck with real money AND fake money."  I bet that would go over well...but it would be worth it, I think.

1.  Scene It

I know this is a newer game but son of a bitch is it fun.  This game was made for nerds like me and I'm currently ranked #1 in the world.  I am a mother fucking wizard at Scene It.  Many have attempted taking on the crown, and many have fallen.  I accept any and all challengers but must throw out the warning that I play with vigor and fury.  Do not expect me to let up because my competitive spirit will not allow it.  I'm here to mentally and physically crush you...and I promise you that's exactly what will happen.  The gauntlet has been thrown.  Who will accept the challenge?

I guess that went okay.  A lot better than i expected, that's for sure.  Now if you'll excuse me I have to go eat some peanut butter pie and fart on the couch while I watch some TV.

I Am the Smartest Man Alive: Revisited

     "I'm gonna throw this flag through your God damn body you fuck faced shit sniffer!"




Question.  Have all of you been reading my college football posts at the Money Shot?  Fuckin Liars...you have not.  You would be wise to change your idiotic ways because as predicted, I'm killing it over there.  Moving on.  Here we are one quarter of the way through the NFL season.  Back in late August I made some mind blowing predictions that impressed all of you.  Let's see how I'm doing so far.

AFC North:
Pittsburgh (2-2)
Baltimore (3-1)
Cleveland (2-2)
Cincinnati (2-2)

Thoughts:  According to ESPN.com, Pittsburgh is listed as last in the division.  I'm not counting the Steelers out just yet, but let's just say I have the lube out, the towel's on the floor and the candles are lit.  Raperberger is hurt, so is BinLadendenhall and the offensive line looks like the cast of that fat people show where they get paid to lose weight while we all make fat people jokes at them.

Modification:  Baltimore takes the division and is the only playoff team.

AFC South:
Indianapolis (0-4)
Houston (3-1)
Tennessee (3-1)
Jacksonville (1-3)

Thoughts:  If Manning didn't have 70 unannounced neck surgeries in the off season and played like we were led to believe he would, this would be spot on.  The Colts have had a chance to win every game (except for Houston) with Panhandler Collins and Sunshine Painter doing their best impersonations of professional QBs.  There's no doubt this team is at least 3-1 with Manning under center and Collins begging for change on the streets so he can get his next Olde English fix.

Modification:  Houston takes their spot as top dog while Chris Johnson continues to raise the blood pressure of fantasy football owners world wide.  I'm also getting ballsy and saying Titans get the wild card.

AFC East:
New England (3-1)
NY Jets (2-2)
Buffalo (3-1)
Miami (0-4)

Thoughts:  Buffalo just lost to the Bengals.  Don't be fooled by the 3-1 record and the win against the Patriots.  New England is usually good for one bad loss every year (see Browns, Cleveland 2011).  The Bills are moving in the right direction but clearly are not there yet.  Miami may not win a game this season and will still be firing the coach they wanted to fire before a single game was played this year.

Modification:  New England still wins this division and I continue to hate Bill Belichick and his fucked up goal line 5 wide sets.  Wes Welker continues to spread STDs throughout multiple New England high schools.  Mainly with the male population.  Rex Ryan stops fucking toes long enough to get the wild card.  Again.

AFC West:
Oakland (2-2)
San Diego (3-1)
Kansas City (1-3)
Denver (1-3)

Thoughts:  My hatred for Todd Haley continues to blossom like a new teenage summer romance.  This guy is a fucking shit salad.  As much as I hated seeing Jamaal Chuck carted off the field like a cripple, a small part of me laughed like a bastard.  Haley doesn't deserve a weapon like Charles.  Just like a naked woman, Haley has no idea what to do with a great player.  I guess you'll have that when you're used to dealing with Larry Johnson cold cocking women for denying his request for a public dick sucking.  And Denver still finishes last.

Modification:  I'm sticking with Oakland on this one.  McFadden may be the best running back in football and Norv Turner's face still looks like the surface of the moon.


NFC North:
Green Bay (4-0)
Detroit (4-0)
Chicago (2-2)
Minnesota (0-4)

Thoughts:  NAILED IT!  Green Bay looks fucking unstoppable and I want to party with Jim Schwartz.  He has to tell the best inappropriate jokes of all time.  Get some booze in him and I promise he gropes waitresses at sports bars.  He probably does shit like smack their ass while calling them "sugar".  Minnesota is the best 0-4 team of all time and Leslie Frazier should get fined every game AP doesn't touch the ball 30 times.

Modification:  Hold onto your nutsacks...Detroit makes the playoffs as a wild card this year and Jim Schwartz punches out a horse while celebrating.

NFC South:

Tampa Bay (3-1)
Atlanta (2-2)
New Orleans (3-1)
Carolina (1-3)

Thoughts:  So yeah.  I was wrong about New Orleans.  They're going to win this division.  But eat my shit because Tampa is getting the wild card.  They just find a way to win games the same way Cam Newton finds a way to drive people to suicide when playing against him in fantasy football.  Deangelo Williams and Jon Stewart are officially the worst back field in the history of the NFL.  There isn't a close second.

Modification:  New Orleans takes the division, Tampa Bay wins the wild card and Tiki Barber pays Russian nationalists to kidnap Ronde in a pathetic attempt to get back on the football field.  He thinks people won't notice The Tiki...but they will.  Delusion is a funny thing.

NFC East:
NY Giants (3-1)
Philadelphia (1-3)
Dallas (2-2)
Washington (3-1)

Thoughts:  What is happening in Philadelphia is beyond words hilarious.  Never market yourself as a "Dream Team".  It never works out.  More like the fuckin "Cream Team".  As in getting ass cream pied by every team they play.  Colon Cowturd STILL after a 1-3 starts says the Iggles are the 9th best team in the NFL.  Do you see why I hate this fucking parasite so much?

Modification:  None.  Giants still win this division and Coughlin still looks like a Gringott's Bank Goblin.  That's one nerdy ass Tom Coughlin joke.

NFC West:
St. Louis (0-4)
Arizona (1-3)
San Francisco (3-1)
Seattle (1-3)

Thoughts:  This division continues to play the worst football, be the most boring, and have the least amount of fans.  I've said more about the NFC West than it deserves.

Modifications:  Fuck...I don't know.  I guess San Francisco?? Because they have a 2 game lead and are almost halfway to the 8 wins it'll take to win this division.  I would rather pipe clean my dickhole than think any more about the NFC West.

Not too shabby if I do say so myself.  There's a few blemishes on there but I've been pretty close for the most part.  You know, if I can convince you to forget about that whole New Orleans thing.  Stay tuned for the midseason update to see my predictions become even more awesomer.